I wouldn’t do this today and looking back, shouldn’t have done it back then, but I once worked with a guy for a few days who keep talking about how he really wanted to go out with a co-worker (we were out in the field and she was in the main office). The day after our last day working together, I had to go to main office and and saw her. She was known to be an ice queen, but for some reason she was always nice to me from day one (I had zero interest in her). So I straight asked her if she would consider going out with him. She thought about it for awhile and said she and some of her co-workers would go out as a group and we’re both invited.
We all met as a group and my co-worker friend danced with her despite having a broken leg! They ended up getting married and have four kids now… :rolleyes: Nah, J/K. AFAIK, they ever went out as a group or singles again and he quit shortly after.
Yeah, I’ll agree with most other posters here, I think. It can be fine, it needs to be done tactfully and respectfully, and you need to make sure you do it in a way where she doesn’t feel cornered, pressured, or otherwise uncomfortable.
I will also suggest that you don’t spend TOO much time being “friendly” before asking for a date if you DO want to ask for a date. Not because of a risk of being “friend zoned” which is mostly just something people complain about when they don’t get what they want, but because if she ISN’T interested, it’s likely going to be less awkward for you both if she turns you down as an acquaintance than if she turns you down as a friend.
Sure, it can be done but I’m not sure I’d recommend it for you, BPC. Just thinking of your “work trip from hell” thread from a short while ago. You didn’t seem super savvy about coworker relations and you said that whole incident put you on some thin ice at work.
I suppose it might depend on how you define “hit on”. The way I’d define it the answer would be “No, never.” In my mind “hitting on” implies a persistent unwanted advance.
To answer the question in the thread title and OP, I would say no. There is no appropriate way to hit on a coworker. I am interpreting “hit on” as making obvious sexual advances (verbally), such as one might encounter in a bar. To me, “hit on” does not mean asking someone out. But maybe other people use this term differently? I don’t mean to split hairs, but this term has a precise meaning for me, so I’m interested in how others might use it.
As for asking a colleague out for lunch or dinner, why not? That seems perfectly fine to me, though of course I agree that it’s crucial to be able to take no for an answer. And the potential for awkwardness in future working relationships should she say no (or should things not work out if the dating does occur) is something to bear in mind.
This is a very common gotcha, attention does not always mean attraction. Some people are just very friendly and welcoming. I once avoided embarrassing myself by following Velocity’s advice above. I watched her laugh and smile and repeatedly touch the arm of another co-worker during conversation and quietly realized she was just a warm outgoing person who did not have any particular interest in me.
If I could give my younger self a spot of advice: Never dip your pen in the company ink. Can it be done? Sure. But the downsides seem to outweigh the upsides. And if you do start a relationship, one of youse might want to look for another job. Working with an SO isn’t much better than working with an ex-SO, imo.
“What kind of movies do you like?” “What kind of restaurants do you like?” is the intermediate, but not immediate sort of thing to bring up.
So dial it down a little. “I saw *** the other day. Have you seen it?” “I went to **** for dinner the other night, have you been there?” If they display interest, esp. start asking questions back, then moving on to the intermediate questions could be in order.
Also, this ***is ***the #MeToo era. Do consider every word you say in light of “what’s the worst possible interpretation that this could mean/say/appear as?” Not that you would ever harass someone (you strike me as being the furthest type of person from doing that thing,) but if you are anywhere on the autistic/Asperger’s spectrum, it is walking in a minefield in an environment (office dating) where misunderstandings can be disastrous.
Yes to this, a million times. Right now you’re mostly basing it on “she’s cute”. When you’re cute, that’s really annoying, because it begins to feel like that’s all anyone cares about. (That feeling is validated as you age and suddenly become way less interesting, even though your personality hasn’t changed, but that’s a whole ‘nother story.)
Try spending time with her and getting to know her as a human, not a romantic interest. Then it can progress from coworkers grabbing coffee to friends to romance, if it’s right.
This seems to get asked a lot. Are there a lot of real world examples of people getting in trouble with sexual harassment who weren’t acting like jerks?
Okay, I had my answer all ready to, “Is it ever appropriate to HIT a coworker,” not “hit ON.” (I have an appt with the eye doc on Jan 3.)
My answer was, yes, if s/he’s about to take a drink or a bite from something you know is lethal poison. Then you may slap the thing out of his/her hand and if you accidentally miss, that’s okay.
My wife of 14 years and I met while we worked at the same company. She was 1,200 miles away in another office across the country. I relationship began as a professional one, the turned into a friendship, and ultimately a romance. We did not work in the same group, nor did we have influence on either’s compensation or bonuses. What we did have was an understanding of the demands of working for our employer and the expectations, etc.
When we got married, she moved to my city, left the company and did her own thing.
In many cases, as mentioned above, the workplace is where many of us meet our ultimate mates.
This bears repeating. In the #MeToo era there’s guys who AREN’T predators thinking it applies to things like “Hey, your hair looks cute today.” Or “Nice sweater, looks good on you.” Which frankly is a huge overreaction. It’s really hard for normal people to understand the mindset of a predator, so when they hear “Was harassed at work” they think of the kind of things that they’d do and get freaked out. The guys who are being brought down by #MeToo are the ones who did things like install remotely controlled locks on their offices to keep women from leaving while they hit on them. Or told them they’d never work again, or they’d get them more work, etc.
DON’T DO THAT.
But otherwise, faint heart never won fair maiden. Ask her to lunch, see how it goes.
