Having finished that stage of my life only a few few years ago, I will add–hell yeah it gets better. I mean, high school is like beating your head into a brick wall, even without other problems. You get thrown into a school, often with little control over what you do and where you go. Once you’re done with it, you get a lot more control and things generally get better. You’d be amazed at how many of my friends barely made it through high school (both literally and figuratively).
As for getting help–my father once arranged for me to see a therapist. I resisted, and it didn’t work out. Stupidest thing I’ve ever done–it’s definitely worthwhile…
Cestlavie–
Yes, there is such a thing as the will to live, and I believe you still possess that will. You’ve been through some extremely tough things in life, but suicide is most definitely not the answer. I spent the last two years of my high school career contemplating suicide; since that time, I have gained a greater understanding of just how much there is to live for. Things will get better–you just have to find the will to make it happen!
First, you probably shouldn’t talk to that guy anymore. If he doesn’t have enough compassion to understand the position you’re in right now, then he isn’t worth hanging on to. He needs to understand that he doesn’t have to ‘deal’ with your problems–he just needs to be there for you, to love, support, and listen to you.
Second, life will improve a great deal once you’re out of high school. I personally understand what you’re feeling because of your school friends abandoning you. Don’t dwell on this though–if those people were only willing to hang around for the ‘good times,’ then they weren’t true friends at all.
(I hope you don’t feel like you’ve lost all of your friends–we’ll always be here for you on the message board! {hug})
Third, it is important to find someone to talk to. It doesn’t have to be a counselor; it can be anyone who is just willing to listen and offer support and advice.
Just hang in there, and remember that we’re here to support you!
–Altair
Don’t you EVER feel that you shouldn’t post here.
Most of the people here on the board are loving, caring human beings, and we are in your corner. You are not alone.
There are, unfortunately, jerks everywhere in life. And we appear to have one or two as well.
Please let me know how you are doing, I am concerned.
Scotti
sigh. I knew that came off too harsh. I wasn’t advocating suicide, especially with no information on which to base that.
But I do believe it’s a valid choice for anyone. The wrong one most of the time, but a valid choice.
And I was answering the OP as written. When I’ve been there, what kept me from it was the a) the fact that there was still stuff I wanted to do before dying, and b) that suicide was just too much work.
The fact that Cestlavie asked, rather than just doing it means that she doesn’t really truly want to. So she should just follow some advice from the other posters.
Hi, Cestlavie. I’ve never been in your situation before. I’ve never been pregnant, my parents didn’t get divorced. But I have been suicidal. I was 13 the first time I realized it. I didn’t talk to anybody. I shut myself off from the rest of the world. Occasionally, I’d go to school only to come home and lock myself in my room. It’s a tough spot to be in. I began to write. Whatever came to my mind while I was alone in my room, I wrote down. It helped. Eventually they turned into poetry and song.
When I was 14, I volunteered at the dining room of the town nursing home. My job was to visit people while they ate. Some people, those on level 3, needed help so I helped them. I learned so much in the few months that I was there. I heard so many fascinating stories. These people were OLD. People who remembered things I was learning in history class at the time. They made me smile, they made me cry, they made me laugh, they made me think. But, most of all, they made me feel as though I was needed. And that helped a lot. I think about them now and I’m crying. Those people saved my life. And I’m thankful for them. I seriously suggest that, not only you, but everyone do this. It’s one of the very best experiences of my life.
Today, I’m still clinically depressed, paranoid, and I suffer from anxiety disorder. But I don’t want to die. Not now. I have too much to live for. And I think you do too. Best of luck to you, Cestlavie. I hope for your happiness.
Well yes. Faith.
Except it’s not blind faith, 'cause you have a lot of people here telling you it does change. Based on experience.
But it does take faith. Believe it when it doesn’t look like it.
And if it gets really bad, and you don’t have enough faith to last the next couple of monthes just have enough for tommorrow.After all,you can alway kill yourself tommorrow. If life is truely intolarable you always have that option, and if you always have that option you can always put it off till tommorrow. And if you put it off till tommorrow, you might as well put if off just one more day. And then maybe you have enough faith for just the one more…
If “the future” is too overwhelming just hang in there till tommorrow.
And keep talking to people.
Hello, Cestlavie. I’m around your age (well, about 18 but that’s close, isn’t it?) and though I could never completely understand what you’ve gone through, I do know what it’s like to want to die. Like Scotti, I’ve had to deal with cancer in the family with my father. His cancer is kidney, though for a long time we thought it was pancreatic. He hasn’t died yet, but a few times he’s been close to it. It’s put a lot of stress on the whole family. I started engaging in self-mutilation (DO NOT resort to that!) and a couple months ago tried to kill myself (another really stupid idea). But I somehow pulled through.
I don’t know what religion you follow, if any, but as a Christian I think that praying helps a lot. That’s what keeps me alive. My theory is that Satan, seeing my seemingly perfect life (good grades, friends, a boyfriend, talents, etc), decided to throw in some problems to see how I’d handle it. At first I just sunk deeper and deeper into my depression, but that day I held that butcher knife against my wrists I decided that I didn’t want to give in to the pressures of the world. I wanted to live.
We’re still young, Cestlavie, and you’re still younger yet. Things can get better. When you’re at the bottom of a pool of sludge, the only way you can go is up, because, well, once you hit your nose on the bottom you can’t get any lower.
There’s a quote; I can’t remember it exactly but I think Mark Twain said it. Something along the lines of “The best way to help yourself is to help other people.” A few other posters have already mentioned this, I see, which is good. Helping others can help with the development of compassion and empathy, things necessary to this world.
If you’re 16 and already graduating you must be quite intelligent. Don’t let anyone let you believe that you’re stupid because you aren’t. Use those brains to your advantage. We on this board will encourage you if no one else does, because we care for you.
I’m going to keep you in my thoughts. If you want to ramble, feel free to use this board. I’ve heard many people call the boards “a sympathetic diary” and I agree with it totally. I hope that you return again and again.
You haven’t posted in a few days. I hope you’re okay, and I’m starting to worry about you. I hope you post back soon.
Your parents didn’t get a divorce because of you. They had a fight over you. They care about what happens to you. They see you making the same kind of mistakes they did, and they want something better for you.
Suicide is for the weak and cowardly. Since you’re posting for help, I don’t see you as a weakling or a coward.
Your screen name translates to what?..That’s life?
Take it in stride and remember there are better times ahead.
Yours Truly, Graeme
I am ok everyone. =) I am feeling better. Still a little down but I am working on it.
I am going to call one of my old friends today I thought that it might help. She pretty much dumped me after the whole abortion thing but I think she was as scared as I was. I thought Iw ould talk to her and see if we can talk and maybe fix our friendship.
I still find no reason to be here but I know I don’t want to die so I thought that was a start right?
Thanks for being here…all of you. =)
If you were to read all the “Welcome this newbie” threads, a lot of them gush how caring and understanding the people here are. That gushing is not an exaggeration. Glad to hear you’re feeling better. 
Stay in touch. I have IM services of all (well, four) kinds. And my email is listed in my profile. Again, best of luck and I hope for your happiness.
Great to hear you’re still with us. Besides, we need all the people with french usernames, we can get. Don’t ask me why–they won’t tell me yet 
If you are interested in volunteering, here’s how to get started… you can:
look up a hotline (in the phone book) that strikes your interest, call them, and ask how to get trained to volunteer. They’ll give you a number/name, and they ALWAYS need help.
Stop in to your guidance counselor’s office, and ask about what volunteer programs are available. The school system should have information on things generally appropriate (in both subject and time comittment) to high school students.
Stop in at your church office or the office of ANY church and ask what volunteer programs they have, and how to get involved.
Look up homeless shelters, soup kitchens, and nursing homes (or even hospitals), call the general number, and tell them you’d like to volunteer. If you have an area you’d like to volunteer in (like gardening, helping at meal times, entertaining, or just sitting with people and talking), tell them.
Any one of those should get you at least a few ideas. Pick one that will feed your soul, something that resonates, makes your energy pick up, gets you enthusiastic (even if it feels a little scary getting started). If you have a skill, like playing chess, singing, playing piano, and so forth, nursing homes are a wonderful place to practice your skill and help people immensely at the same time. And without ANY skills, you can still sit with people, ask them about their lives, where they grew up, what they did when they were your age, how the world was different or the same that long ago. My mom’s 15-year old neighbor started volunteering at a nursing home, and soon developed a relationship with a man whose children and grandchildren not only didn’t visit, they didn’t call or send cards, either. He has minor dementia, but hasn’t lost his identity, so who knows why his family don’t visit. This boy drew out story after story, got the man talking about his life, his family, his work, and his experiences. The nursing home staff found him easier to manage, and his health has stabilized. He still gets confused, repeats stories, and forgets things, but he also lights up when this young man walks through the door. Just being visited every-other week by one teenager made a vast difference. It is worth the effort. And it will indeed keep your mind from sliding back into the muck, provide you with a sense of how valuable YOUR time and YOUR effort are. When you are wasting so much of your time and effort on what often appears to be useless work in school, it is good to get a counter-balance to make your life feel valuable. With what you learn, you will help yourself and others, too.
I am very sorry about your experiences. Hopefully it helps to know that ANYONE, at ANY age going through what you have been through would have a major struggle keeping an even keel. Plenty of adults end up feeling suicidal, and need an assist. You can often get counseling through county/state programs without having to pay a lot for it, school counselors actually can help, too, and your parent’s insurance would probably cover a large part of a private practice counselor until you are 18. If you don’t like one counselor, move on to another. But try it. I was terrified to try it when I was your age, and came up with excuse after excuse why I couldn’t - no money, no time, it ‘wouldn’t help’, I wasn’t in THAT bad shape, etc. I wasted a lot of time as a result. And had a fair bit more misery than I COULD have had, if I’d taken that one step.
Increment your life whenever you feel you can’t make it - one more day, or one more week, one more hour, whatever. There have been times where I brought the count down to one more breath, then another breath, through a whole night, until the sun came up. You’re on the up-swing now, but until you really get your feet under you, it is possible for you to slide back down (and even if you feel stable and solid, life can have some devestating moments). If you do find yourself in despair again, remember that it has gotten better before, and you can make your way through it.
Also, one last bit of advice, from someone who has been there with relationships. The REAL measure of a love relationship is wht it does to your OTHER relationships. If you find yourself (after getting involved with someone) losing friends, isolated from family, not managing professional relationships well, and not communicating with the other people in your life, this is a DESTRUCTIVE relationship. If you find that your other relationships improve, and you are more able to avoid or handle people who cause you pain, you communicate better, and you are more at ease with old (and good) friends, chances are that this relationship is a good one. When I started applying that rule as a measure of my love relationships, WOW, what a difference. (It works for friendships, too - if your friends make you into a less friendly/kind/loving/capable/happy person, why would you stay friends?)
Good luck, and may your heart heal well.
I just read your post and I could relate. When I was your age, my life was a mess! Completely and totally. But you hang in there–. Suicide is a permant solution to a temporary problem. Your life will get better. You have your whole life ahead of you and you will find a guy who has time for you and really loves you. I hope you will follow the other poster’s advice and do try to get some counseling. You sound really depressed and usually it takes more than will power, etc. to overcome it. Trying to reconnect with your friends is a good step forward, but if things aren’t the same, don’t lose heart. At your age, friends change anyway, even long-time friends-- and there are many, many people in the world that you have the opportunity to meet! I am speaking from experience.
Hang in there.
I am really suprised at all the good advice I have gotten from this thread. Since this is my first one it makes it not as scary to post here.
Hedra:
I think I am going to try the hotline thing and maybe a nursing home or something. You are right I need something to counterbalance the totally useless reasons for me to be in school right now. =)
I will keep you all updated. =)