Having been married twice…and divorced twice…how can you tell if you have met Mr. Right or Ms. Right? Is there a guideline you use or do you just stick with the elimination process?
I don’t know if one can actually tell if one has met the perfect mate. I’m on my second marriage, and we just celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary. Didn’t even make it to anniversary one with the first guy.
My husband and I get along well most of the time. It’s a pretty average marriage, to be honest. It has it’s ups and it’s downs, but most of the time, it just stays level. It’s working. I know that even though there’s not a lot of excitement, he’s a good man, and he loves me. That’s all I really need.
Since there are nearly 6 billion humans sharing the planet with us, I presume there is a perfect match for everybody. Of course, if you spent one minute each to screen them for suitability, it would take you 11 thousand years. This, more than anything else suggests to me that the best approach is to try to pick Ms. or Mr. “Nearly-Right”. Apart from the time savings alone (if one intends to breed, one had best start during one’s lifetime), there is the additional glamour of a hyphenated last name [insert silly smiley here].
Many people spend a great deal of time looking for that “one perfect match”. Forget about it. You’re unlikely to find that person, and there is a distinct possibility they do not exist, at least the way you envision them. Let’s face it. Most of our fantasies (romantic and sexual) are selfish ones, if examined closely. They also contain hidden flaws, such as the possibility that the perfect match for Mr. X may not look like his fantasy woman. Men, particularly seem prone to pick women who either look so good (to them) they ignore subtle and obvious warning signs that this person will either drive them crazy or who they will drive crazy over time. Another fantasy men sometimes have is that they will “rescue” a dysfunctional woman from her wretched life, and she will be eternally grateful and cease being dysfunctional. Nope! Never happens!
Women are harder to make blanket statements for, but I will try, anyhow. All of my sisters knew better than to pick the guys they wound up with, but they had the hope that they could somehow be such a good partner to these slugs that they would change their evil ways, and be eternally grateful that they found these wonderful women they didn’t deserve. This seems to be one of the most common female fantasies, but I fell for a similar delusion when I fell for my first and second wife (the same woman – see? I told you I’m not an authority on the subject! [insert another silly smiley here]}.
[Stay with me folks, I’m certain I’m driving towards a conclusion here, but I refuse to stop and ask for directions.]
My current theory is that you will attract a person who’s personality is complementary to yours. If you are a doormat, you will attract (and be attracted to) someone who needs to wipe their feet. A lot. If you are a punching bag, you will tend to attract a boxer. The key is to examine the sort of people you have been attracted to and then examine yourself.
I imagined myself as a knight in shining armor, but I turned out to be a doormat. I’m attempting to change my ways (and working hard at it), because, to tell the truth, people who walk all over you are not very pleasant to be with. I never let my male friends walk all over me, and I must examine my concept of gentlemanly behavior to determine why I could not confront my (ex-)mate when she wanted me to give her everything (and more) and give nothing but distain in return. To tell the truth, if I had been less ready to defer to her every whim we would never have gotten together. This would have actually been a good thing.
In a relationship, the only thing you have control over is your own behavior. If you haven’t got at least a little control over that, you don’t need to be in a relationship anyway. It’s better to attract (and choose to be attracted to) someone who not only respects you, but respects themself enough to stand up to you before they have grown so angry they must leave or so fearful they must flee.
A “perfect” relationship is not one without friction. It’s a relationship within which the friction between partners polishes both to a shine, not one where the friction ignites a flame that destroys them. It takes committment from both partners. If only one is determined to preserve the relationship, the other will either flee immediately, or exploit the committed partner until they see a better opportunity on the horizon.
Is there a Ms. right or Mr. Right? Maybe, but they may not be the right one for you, nor you them. Work on yourself. Watch out for exploiters. Don’t be one yourself (you’ll be happier if you aren’t). Choose a partner who can live with your faults, and whose faults you can live with. Be careful to ensure your choice is not based on what they’ll be once you’ve had a chance to “mold” them, rather on what they are right now.
–Baloo
P.S.: If you strongly disagree, read the disclaimer.
I once lost my corkscrew and had to live on food and water for several days
-W.C. Fields
http://members.tripod.com/~Bob_Baloo/index.htm
Nice insight Baloo. As someone leaving a second marriage, I can strongly second that. Another point is not to be afraid to test the waters often. You don’t have to get all the way in, but don’t be afraid to give it a try.
“Teaching without words and work without doing are understood by very few.”
-Tao Te Ching
Hear, hear, Baloo! A-bloody-men!
I think the key word is respect. Learn to respect yourself (easier said than done); then you can respect other people, and recognize when theyre treating you (and themselves) with respect. If the relationship is built on respect, even if you dont have everything in common, you can give each other the space to be different. And if the relationship fizzles out, you can leave with a minimum of bitterness and maybe even stay friends afterwards.
When I was younger, I thought that “The Right One” would be my perfect match in every way, share all my interests and opinions, etc., we’d be each other’s ultimate sexual fantasies, all that. Then I saw a quote - forgotten who said it and the exact wording - “If two people agree on everything, one of them is unnecessary.”
And forget all that about your partner making you happy - your happiness is your own responsibility. Yes, you should enjoy your partner’s company, but you shouldnt depend on another person for your happiness - theyre an individual, and an imperfect human at that - youll only be disappointed. Not because of their failure, but because of your unreasonable expectations.
MTC.
Where are we going and what am I doing in this handbasket?
There is no “Mr. Right.”
If you’re real lucky, you can find “Mr. Partially Correct for Half-Credit.”
–Eve (still lookin’)
Well, suppose there is a “Mr. Right,” and he lives in Saskatchewan. Now what?
I can’t believe that there is any perfect match for me; hell, I don’t get along with my own self 100% of the time.
Well, at least he’s still on the same continent. Could be worse… what if he’s in Australia or New Zealand? 
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge…others just gargle.
“Mr. Right” is a myth propagated by parents who fear their daughters will end up with “Mr. Definitely-Wrong-No-Two-Ways-About-It.” It’s a good intention badly executed, since it simply amounts to a shopping list of what a man should be able to offer. It’s too easy to indoctrinate a pre-teen into the “Marry a Professional Man” cult (Doctors and Lawyers being the professions of choice). Mr. (or Ms.) Right ought to be selected for several characteristics other than just earning ability (or beauty – trophy wives are a tribute to male fixation on superficial qualities). If a Real Bastard can afford to support you like a princess, that doesn’t make him a good prospect for a life partner.
It’s a mistake to expect perfection in other people. You won’t find it in the mirror, and it’s unfair to hold anyone else to that standard. Just try to avoid being a no-prize yourself, and learn to recognize when your interest in another person is not based on mutual respect, but your own need for the drug of “Love”. Too often this “need” is satisfied (temporarily) by a counterfeit of the real thing. It’s exciting, but destructive.
–Baloo
–Baloo
I once lost my corkscrew and had to live on food and water for several days
-W.C. Fields
http://members.tripod.com/~Bob_Baloo/index.htm
What’s wrong with Saskatchewan? At least you wouldn’t have to worry about getting up hills in the ice storms… 
As to the OP:
In a word, no.
(Also see sig )
Coldfire
“You know how complex women are”
- Neil Peart, Rush (1993)
The Saskatchewan comment was supposed to mean that if there is a Mr. Right, statistically, I’ll never meet him, so why bother?
To paraphrase Wesley, Life is compromise. Anyone who says differently is selling something.
Having spent a great deal of time single, I’ve put a lot of thought to this. I think Baloo is essentially correct (though I would argue there can be no perfect mate – for someone to be a perfect match they would have to be human, and humans may be many things, but perfect isn’t one of them).
My philosophy boils down to “know yourself.” Think what’s really important to you – mentally, physically, spiritually. (Relationship gurus refer to these as your “non-negotiables.”) You should have no more than a half-dozen of these; otherwise, you are being too picky.
Then compare potential mates to these standards. (The “standards,” by the way, aren’t simple yes/no issues. They fall along a spectrum, and you have to decide “how much” of a given – and usually immeasurable quality – is not enough.) This leads us to two corallaries:
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Unless someone meets every requirement, they are not relationship material. I don’t care how beautiful she is; if she doesn’t take her mind seriously, I can’t be with her.
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Anyone who does meet all the requirements should be pursued. Now, there’s a real good chance that you won’t be right for them. And there’s enough gray (or is it “grey”?) area in human nature that you still won’t click. But these people are rare, and you owe it to yourself to focus on them.
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Once you find someone who’s good for you, and who thinks you’re good for them, seal the deal and don’t look back. Sure, with 6 billion people on the planet (including Saskatchewan), there will be others who fit the bill. There are at least a dozen women in my phone book right now who meet my “requirements,” but only one of them loves me. And that’s worth keeping.
=================================
If it all sounds too complex (which I admit it is), then just remember what a Human Resources person once told me about interviewing job candidates:
“Lots of people can do this job. The question is, who can you stand to sit with in the same room for eight hours every day?”
Having also been married and divorced twice, I have to say this… If you have to ask that question you haven’t met him/her yet.
Twice I made the mistake of settling because I thought there was no perfect man out there for me. I was wrong. I won’t make that mistake again.
I really try to be good but it just isn’t in my nature!
I dont think anyone is totally perfect, what a boring world that would be. So, nope there is no such thing as mr or ms right.
We are, each of us angels with only one wing,and we can only fly by embracing one another
well, ya know, the problem here is that none of us has a personality carved in stone. mr. right @ 25 might no longer be mr. right @ 35 or 40. you change; he changes. the first two might actually have been pretty good choices at the time, so don’t be too all-fired hard on yourself.
otoh, what were the obvious similarities in the men/circumstances/relationships? can you spot a pattern? that could be a starting point on what to look out for next time, the places you’re particularly vulnerable.
the advice above about finding someone whose faults you can live w/ & one who can live w/ yours is really good. (jeez, the guys here are an especially sensitive, insightful bunch. i’m impressed.) the further advice that your happiness is your own responsibility is also primo. &, altho humans are social creatures & it’s a lot more fun to be w/ someone than to be lonely, it’s even more true that alone & lonely aren’t the same thing; & it’s way better to be alone than miserable w/ someone. iow, don’t settle.
Hear, hear!
I was legally married once, common law once, so i consider myself twice married, (twice divorced.)
I dont think there is only one Mr right, (because there are so many people out there ) but there is a mr. right out there for me.
I just have to find him.
I dont know what he looks like, or where he lives, but I will know him when I meet him.
He loves to read, and he watches alot of movies (not just action either!), he has a wicked sense of humor, and he is calm, and patient.
When I get on a bitch-rant he will look me in the eyes and tell me to settle down, go take a bath/walk/drive/whatever.
When I go on and on about something thats on my mind, he wont accuse me of nagging, but will listen and tell me that i have already mentioned it, relax already.
He kisses. Long warm, not to wet kisses.
I will find him someday. Soon I hope.
but I wont ‘settle’ for anymore losers because I know there is a Mr.Right out there.
Meanwhile, all the Mr. and Ms. Lefts in the world file a class action suit declaring that excessive bias in favor of the Rights has left them emotionally scarred. Attorneys please form a line to the right, movie deals to the left.
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I once lost my corkscrew and had to live on food and water for several days
-W.C. Fields
http://members.tripod.com/~Bob_Baloo/index.htm
If my wife isn’t Ms. Right, she’s plenty good enough for Ms. Right Now! 8)
John
(yeesh - I can’t believe anyone didn’t say something like this sooner!)