To introduce the question: NinjaChick’s latest befuddlement as to social norms.
I (as of a few days ago when a mutual crush was finally brought to light) am kind of with a guy who I know from TKD. He’s almost brotherly, kind of overprotective. Sweetest guy in the world. Very, VERY good looking.
But - I’m sixteen, he’s twenty. I’m white, he’s black. I’m athiest, he’s Christian (don’t know what demonination).
I was updating a friend on my social life yesterday. They were amazed that I’d date a guy who was not only four years older than I, but of a different race. Religion, according to my friend, is a line you can (usually) cross comfortably in dating, but not race, at least not in our white-bread suburb. This was a total shock to me - I’m a die-hard liberal, many of my friends are different race/religion than I am, and it’s really never made a difference. I’ve never really thought of my guy (who I’ve known for…four years or so), as black, just as…him. It had no effect on my affection for him, at all.
But am I just weird? What traits would cause you to maybe be attracted to someone, but not willing to date them?
I’m by no means trying to label anyone as racist. I just very recently realized that race might be a major obstacle to a relationship for some.
I’m speaking as though I were still dating and not married
-race wouldn’t keep me from dating someone but if his family objected to me because of my race, that might (my family would’ve been delighted for me to date someone of a different race).
Other things that would deter me from an otherwise attractive guy
-not being interested in a “marriage track” relationship
-not being interested in having children even if interested in marriage
My own parents would be happier if I dated inside my race. Actually, I suspect they’d be happiest if I could find a nice Englishman, but there aren’t all that many of them running around Pennsylvania.
I wouldn’t date Mr. Right if he were married, had a girlfriend, or any state in between. In fact, when I met the fellow I eventually nearly married, he did have a girlfriend, which was one reason he was strictly in the “just friends” category. It wasn’t until a few years later, after his relationship with his girlfriend ended, that our relationship changed to more than just good friends.
I’d guess that anything else that would keep me from dating Mr. Right would also probably keep him from being Mr. Right.
Sixteen sounds awfully young to this oldster, but you seem sensible. Also, remember, if you both agree on the ground rules, discussing religion with someone whose beliefs are different from yours can be a lot of fun.
That’s exactly the point I was going to make. I think the OP is ultimately a loaded question.
If there are major religious differences, then I daresay that this person is NOT “Mister Right.” (Mind you, if two people don’t put much stock in their own spiritual “beliefs,” then I don’t think we can consider their religious differences to be major.) Similarly, if one partner considers the racial barrier to be too serious, then that person isn’t the right one anyway.
Why I wouldn’t date Ms Right? Meeting her a month or two before one of us is due to leave the country forever. Story of my life. (well, that, and women revealing their crushes to me when completely plastered and then avoiding me afterwards because my polite chatting wasn’t brushing them off, just refusal to take advantage of the drunk)
She’s only sixteen. Does “Mr. Right” imply marriage or can it mean something a little less permanent.
In my opinion any problems with race and religion can be overcome, but the matter of “kind-of-overprotective” I’m not sure about. Does this translate into “possessive”, which is bad, or what? Also, I thought girls her age avoided “nice guys” like the plague.
‘nice guys’ usually is a synonym for being boring, over-interested & predictable. I don’t think it refers to actual acts of kindness (unless they are too kind, then that comes across as showing too much interest).
Glee, I was first, therefore I’ve got dibs on you. Besides, eventually I’ll have money enough to go back and visit the relatives in England again, and I’m sure I can arrange for you to have a look at me there.
gypsygirl, if I see any heading your direction, I’ll send them there.
cjhoworth (may I call you CJ?), although highly flattered by your interest, I feel I should point out a few of my pros and cons before you allocate your dibs.
I am English (and speak it fluently )
I am a Doper (and will get to a Dopefest eventually )
I am single (and unattached )
I like chess, computer games and roleplaying (yes, there is a tiny hint of nerdness about me :eek: )
Major religious differences can create problems. My ex had to break off a past relationship because the girlfriend in question, out of nowhere, became a fundamentalist Christian. He’s Jewish. It just wasn’t going to work out. We didn’t have that problem, at least.
Hmmm. Obviously, not someone who was married or otherwise attached. I also wouldn’t date a minister or someone who was in the military. (Life is hard for preacher’s wives and military spouses!) But I doubt I would be seriously interested in a solider or a minister to begin with.
I’d consider religion a bigger barrier than race. Race is just skin color, religion involves fundamental beliefs and core values.
I also wouldn’t do the 16 dating an older man thing again. I ended up getting all attached, and when I went off to college, I was miserable. Between him and school, school lost. So it sucked when he turned out to be a jerk. It isn’t even that age difference is so much of a problem (my husband is 9 years older than I am), but I’d rather date someone who is at the same point in life as I am. Makes things easier.
And, of course, I wouldn’t date someone who is involved with someone else. If he cheated on her with me, who is he cheating on me with?
Girl, you are jailbate in most places. That would be the only thing that would keep me from dating in your situation. The color thing wouldn’t be a problem, the religion thing might be a problem, and the age thing wouldn’t be a problem in a few years.
I’m throwing in with crowd that says if there’s a reason not to date someone, then that person is not Person Right.
Given that, there is a huge gulf between people I would date and people I think of as Ms. Right. So, the dealbreakers on dating for somebody who’s otherwise reasonably Right would be:
Huge age difference. I’m 42. I wouldn’t feel comfortable dating somebody in her 60’s, nor someone under, say, 21.
Huge geographical distance. I wouldn’t want to date somebody who lived more than a 2-hour drive away, pretty much no matter how perfect she was.
Being a freaking lunatic.
And no, race wouldn’t be an issue; the best man at my wedding was a black ex-girlfriend…
Race for me isn’t an issue, either, but dating someone within my martial arts school is.
Every time that seems to happen, both parties have an odd romance and then both leave the school. Even when I was single, I did my best to look the other way when attractive, eligible women trained with me.
[flirting hijack continued] Glee, you may certainly call me CJ, or even “Seige” if you like. In return, I offer you a list of my pros and cons:
I was born in Sussex, live in America (and speak English and American fluently )
I am a Doper (and will get to a Dopefest eventually )
I am single (and unattached )
I consider Mensa Regional Gatherings a good place to meet men, in addition to playing backgammon, computer games, and role playing games. I can also arrange an introduction to a friend who has published role playing games. “A hint of nerdiness”? I’m afraid sometimes I reek of it, but I’ve come to enjoy it. In fact, someone who didn’t have at least a hint of nerdiness probably wouldn’t be Mr. Right.
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