So I was at the Staten Island Yankees (minor league) ball game last night, and I was haranguing my brother (as usual). As it turns out, he went on a date recently. Or, I should say, several dates with the same female human. I asked him “did ya smooch 'er?” and he turned bright red. So I asked “did ya score?” and he turned purple. So I started cheering and hooting and doing the wave, and being the honest guy he is, he 'fessed up and told me that he had not, in fact, had sexual intercourse with this particular woman.
Naturally, being a bit of a bully, I pressed for more details. “Did ya make it to first base? Second base? Third base?” Of course, I thought that this was really funny because we were at a ball game and everything. Anyway, my brother was forced to admit that he hadn’t the foggiest notion of what each of the “bases” represented. And that I realized that I didn’t know either! Oops.
In the baseball/sex analogy, what do each of the bases represent?
First Base: Frenchin’
Second Base: Breasteses (clothed or unclothed)
Third Base: Digital manipulation of genitalia
Home Run: Rubbing the Bacon (side note - where the hell did this euphemism come from?)
Perhaps it’s a product of my Catholic school background, but this version of the base system makes no provision for oral sex- which is why my friends and I invented another system, but that’s neither here nor now.
Some more teenage baseball/sex analogies that I just pulled out of my ass.
Thrown out at home - parents come home at an inopportune moment.
Caught stealing second - you get kneed in the groin.
Inside the park homer - you score…but only because she was drunk.
Hit by pitch - you get kissed out of pity.
Ejected from the game - fatal heart attack during sex.
Double play - she tells you that she doesn’t want to see you anymore AND that she was faking it.
Reached on an error - you convince her the scratch marks are from a cat.
Reached on fielder’s choice - you get her on the rebound from another guy.
Stranded at third - “No sex until marriage”
From a lesbian standpoint, since things often start much more slowly…
First Base - Holding hands.
Second Base - Kissing.
Third Base - Breast play, and manual manipulation by one partner.
Inside the Park Home Run - Both partners manually manipulate.
Home Run - Oral, 69, whatever.
Grand Slam Home Run - Both partners express and mean “I Love You”. This is the best thing that can happen.
Also,
Game Called on Account of Rain - “Hmm…let’s wait a few days until it stops…”
Walk - A peck on the cheeck.
Steals Second - He claims making it to second, she thinks he’s full of sh!t.
And the following note to the OP…
I will never forget the fact the Staten Island Yankees were the Oneonta Yankees for decades before youse guys from down state swiped them from us. Hmmph.
Sacrifice bunt: She acts interested, but she’s just passing the time until her LARGE boyfriend shows up to beat the crap out of you.
Goes down swinging: Ask her out three times, she ignores you completely.
Caught looking: Caught looking.
And the classic Merkle Boner:
After making out, your girl goes and makes out with someone else. You leave, frustrated. Afterward, she tells you she really wanted you, but figured since you left, you weren’t interested. They’ll be married in two weeks.
Obviously you people don’t know the technical system
First Base: Kissing
Second: Shirts off touching with hands
Now here is where it gets interesting
Slopy Second: Shirts off with licking
Shortstop: Both pants off with hands
Third: Her pants off your tounge down there
Slopy Third: Blowjob
Home Base: Well you know
Of course you can just avoid all the confusion and just ask the damn guy what he did, but that would be too easy wouldn’ it, and then we wouldn’t be able to use this cool baseball metaphor. I mean what could be better than baseball and sex?
