I wasn’t sure whether to put this in GQ or elsewhere, but I figure there’s a factual answer out there somewhere, so …
I feel a little bit embarrassed to be asking this question at my age. Seems I ought to know this, but I realized today that I have only a vague idea.
What I’m looking for are the specific lines that demarcate whether a young gentleman has reached “first base”, “second base” or “third base” whilst entertaining a young lady. I need no enlightenment as to the meaning of “home run”, as I have circled the bases many times (though not in a very long time, alas – it seems my playing days are behind me). But all those times when I was left on base at the end of the inning … the official scorekeeper neglected to mark his scoresheet and I’m not sure how far I got.
My understanding is that different people use different scoring systems. However, the system I remember from High School was…
1b = French Kissing.
2b = Feeling her up while making out.
3b = Getting her shirt off or at getting digit access to her bush.
YMMV
A good primer is listening to Phil Rizzuto doing the play-by-play in Meatloaf’s song “Paradise by the Dashboard Light”.
Radio Broadcast:
Ok, here we go, we got a real pressure cooker
going here, two down, nobody on, no score,
bottom of the ninth, there’s the wind-up and
there it is, a line shot up the middle, look
at him go. This boy can really fly!
He’s rounding first and really turning it on
now, he’s not letting up at all, he’s gonna
try for second; the ball is bobbled out in center,
and here comes the throw, and what a throw!
He’s gonna slide in head first, here he comes, he’s out!
No, wait, safe–safe at second base, this kid really
makes things happen out there.
…
Jim
Back in high school, I was still a Mormon, so we didn’t do the bases! Still, our Mormon seminar classes on sex never talked about oral sex, so I would have assumed home was vaginal intercourse at the time.
On Deck - Having plans for a date
Strike-Out - Duh!!
Walk - Kissing
Bunt - Masturbation
Single - Tongue kissing
Double - Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and
feels
Triple - Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation
Inside the park home run - Oral Sex
Home Run - SEX!
Ground Rule Double - would have sex, but no condom
Error - Condom breaks during sex
Banned for life for gambling - sex without condom
Hall of Fame - Marriage
Balk - Premature ejaculation
Pine Tar - KY jelly
Relief pitcher - Vibrator
Rain Delay - parents/roommate return home unexpectedly
Box Seats - Waterbed
Seventh Inning Stretch - Unusual positions
Rookie - Virgin
Switch Hitter - Sex with her one night, and her brother the next.
Minor Leagues - Under 18
Loaded Bases - manage a trois
Grand Slam - Sex three times in twelve hours
Foul tip - VD
Three up and three down - impotency
Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old
confusion with current clarity:
OLD WAY - We, um got to third base, I guess and then we, um got like
past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her…
NEW WAY - First, there was a triple, then we got and inside the park
home run, and started thinking, it’s Hall of Fame time!
NEW WAY - So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I
balked during the seventh inning stretch and i had to call in a relief
pitcher.
At my high school (Class of '04), it seems it was commonly understood that first base was a sensual kiss and third base was as follows: fingers/mouth are in direct contact with genitalia with the intent to get the other person off, not just a light rub to let them know you’re interested. Second base had a pretty, um, fuzzy meaning. But I think it was universally understood to mean at least an erotic case of Roman Hands, ie, you touch nipples etc. Where the exact line between first and second base lay, I’ve never been entirely sure. My “first base” kisses were pretty passionate then; I’m a little more cautious now.
If it’s lack of opportunity, get on it.
If it’s just harder to stand up and pay attention, make sure you don’t just have an easily correctible chemical deficiency.
You are a dadburn spring chicken…class of '84?!!
Now fetus might be old enough to start talking about retiring…oh; wait a minute. That’s probably 2004…
Totally lack of opportunity. How’s the saying go (gotta keep up the baseball metaphors, ya’know)?
<Richie Sexson>
"I’m hitting the ball hard, but always right at somebody.
</Richie Sexson>
In other words, I’m at that unfortunate place where, when I meet a woman anywhere near my age who I find the least bit attractive, she’s married. I actually met an older (47) woman the other night who I thought was smoking hot, so I ventured an “Are you married?” and got the reply, “My husband just died …” :smack: (“It’s a high foul popup to the third baseman”) And I’m just old enough that I’m discovering when talking to women in their early 20s that I’m older than a lot of their dads (“And there’s a foul tip into the catcher’s glove for strike three”), so even if they don’t think I’m a perv for trying, they still don’t want to go there. The same night I met the 47-year-old, I met a cute 26-year-old who was friendly (and who said she thought I looked about 34), but she was accompanied by her brother and his girlfriend, and I find it awkward to actually hit on a woman with her brother sitting right there glaring at me from across the table (not to mention she was their designated driver, so she wouldn’t be going home with me anyway). I also had enough scotch in me by that point that I figured I was just going to make a complete fool of myself if I pushed too hard, so I left it at “friendly conversation”. (Don’t worry, I wasn’t driving - I was on foot, and drinking at a bar only three blocks from my house.)
sigh Maybe I’ll get laid again some time before I’m 50 …
