You’ve spent so much time abroad, you’re very nearly a foreigner at this point, even sven. Board consensus is wavering on whether we should take away your right to vote and be done with it, or should we let the terrorists win.
It sounds like you’re understandably frustrated with the situation. FWIW, I’ll throw my .02 into the mix.
Before you “burn bridges” or say something too snarky, take a deep breath and think about handling it in a way that won’t create any bad blood or gossip at the office, especially if you’re both planning to be employed there for a while.
Keep *your *commitments but scale back on the expense and effort. Your friend changed the dynamics of the evening, but that doesn’t obligate you to double up on everything.
First, board games can be fun for four players, but eight is really pushing it. The hostess, who doesn’t even own any board games herself, may not realize that. Leave your games home and suggest a non-board game like charades. (Text her and let her know there’s a change.)
Second, a good bottle of wine is usually a standard fallback hostess offering when you’re going to someone’s home for dinner. I’m sure you were planning to bring something nice from your personal collection but, with the guest list expansion, I think you should leave your better wines at home and pick up something drinkable but modest. Bogle Merlot or Chardonnay is pretty good and only around $7 a bottle. (Don’t embarrass yourself by bringing Two Buck Chuck to a party. That stuff is goat’s piss.) It would be strange if the other couples show up empty handed, so there will probably be plenty to drink.
Finally, unless your hubby gets a tremendous amount of personal satisfaction from baking and is dying to show off his skills, skip the fancy dessert. If the hostess feels a Costco entree is good enough, then so is a Costco dessert. Pick up one of their $5 pies and you’ll have enough dessert for a platoon.
I hope it turns out to be a fun evening. Who knows? The other couples may turn out to be wonderful!
What kills me is the bit about how if you want soda, you’ll have to bring it yourself.
I mean, if you invite several people at your house, surely you can be bothered to pick up a couple of bottles of soda, we’re not talking buying lots of pricey alcoholic stuff there.
This makes me think about one time we were invited to a birthday party. At first we were like “ok it’s far, but we can sleep there and it’ll be nice to see again that guy!”. Then we received the invitation email containing all the details, and what each guest should bring:
two entrées, one main course, a dessert, several bottles (with alcohol, and without)
No, just no.
I would have brought something to eat anyway, because I like to cook, and I know that inviting lots of people can get pricey, probably a dessert and/or one or two salty cakes, but don’t expect me to cook up a full course AND bring drinks!
I think you should work out what you’re happy to bring (probably games and desert) and tell her straighforwardly without any snark. Something like “I can bring desert and games, but if I’m bringing desert I don’t think I can manage any wine. Can you get someone else to do it?” And maybe “eight is too many for most of our games, do want to stick to board games or would you rather it was just a general party?”
And if she says “nonononono! I’m ENTITLED” you’ll know it’s not worth the hassle, and if she says “of course” you’ll know it’s probably just her being woefully clueless about the current social expectations.
I’m guessing she’s quite an extroverted person whereas you’re more introverted.
Don’t go.
Be honest, and say that whilst you liked the original idea of it being just the four of you, you’re really not comfortable with larger groups of people. You could also add that you didn’t realise you’d be responsible for providing so much of the catering for the group and that’s not a cost you can incur at the moment.
I’m with Sven–and I’ve had my share of on-line run-ins with her (and she is a “her”, Melon). You’re perfectly right to take offense, and get in a huff, and denounce the bitch-hostess to the world–she’s totally rude and not someone you need to socialize with–but for this one evening, it’s probably best for you to take maximum responsibility for the misunderstandings and make your goal having the best possible time you can, even though you’re putting in much more effort and expense than you originally thought. When the evenng’s over, and you’ve gone your limit in trying to be generous and friendly, see if you get any appreciation and thanks. See if you have a good time with these couples. If so, the expense and trouble was worth it, and if not, you never have to see any of them again.
And if we’re Pitting **Sven **any time soon, LMK–I may have a contribution or two.
I completely disagree with those that are saying cancel your plans, what ninnies, crybabies I might even add, thinking up excuses to avoid an evening of bored games and social chit chat because of some perceived social slight.
Bring what you said you’d bring, and go with the ex[pectation that you will enjoy yourself and you will! But now you know what your hostess is like for future reference, file it away until next time.
I think the bringing the games thing isn’t so much a matter that it’s any extra effort or expense for the OP so much as that it’s just sort of…well, generally lame to invite people over specifically for a game night and then say, “Oh, we don’t have any games, can you bring some?” It’s like inviting people over for a cookout and then asking them to bring to bring a grill because you don’t have one. If you want to invite people to your home to engage in a particular activity, it’s your responsibility to provide the basic stuff needed to engage in that activity. If providing that basic stuff is a problem, then plan a different sort of gathering.
Yeah, it’s not a lot of time or money to stop and pick up a game or two–which is why the instigator of this gathering, if she was so dead-set on having a game night, should have shut up about it and done exactly that. I mean, if she’s wanting to do this on a regular basis, she can’t count on everyone else providing the games all the time.
In my opinion:
- How big a deal is it to bring boardgames?
- You volunteered the dessert.
Both of these should really be out of your annoyance queue.
However…
- Wine for eight? Fuck off. “Hey coworker, providing wine for eight people is too much for me> I’ll bring two bottles but you’ll need to provide the rest.” Not that hard, surely.
This person is screwing you over. Bring food for 4 people like you intended and bring a bottle of cheap Boones farm wine. When all these people are there and hungry, ask why they didn’t bring food if they didn’t.
This sounds like the last Easter dinner I went to. I won’t even start in on the ways they supplied everything for that day. Guest should not have to make two trips to bring stuff.
Boardgames- you already agreed to provide.
Get 2 tubs of ice-cream and a pie.
Bring the 2 bottles of wine you’ve already agreed to bring.
Graciously bow out of the whole “games night” thing after this.
The alternative is to cancel on her “as we had agreed a monthly party with just you and Herbert, and this isn’t really what I expected”, but with enough notice that she is able to get games, wine and dessert herself.
Yes, it is infra dig to expect your guests to cater for themselves and bring their own entertainment, and also to increase the size of the gathering if this is to be a regular date with a foursome. Obviously gusts often bring a dish or wine out of politeness, but they shouldn’t have too.
Just decide whether you can deal with someone with this lack of social nous or not. You are work colleagues, you don’t have to be friends unless you want to be.
It sounds like a) your work friend is clueless and b) has never really hosted anything. Just because she’s a lawyer (well, I assume she is, 'cus you are, right?) doesn’t mean that her social skills have graduated past high school.
Personally, I think I would become ‘busy’ a few days before the party; however, I would bring in a bag of games to lend her for her evening and let everything else be on her. That saves her the trouble of having to buy a bunch of games which is nice, and saves you from going to a function that you’re going to be pissed off at for the duration.
I think actually being a ‘host’ is a skill that many people have never been taught - I have a very good friend who will cook food and thinks that’s enough hosting. She doesn’t offer a drink to anyone, won’t show them where to put their coat, doesn’t serve cake or other items that a host typically serves, etc. However, she does make sure that whatever drink her friends like she has in good supply, and doesn’t ask people to supply all the party favours. Point is - she makes an effort.
I think your work friend just really, really has no idea what she’s doing.
I think the OP is overreacting. I would just bring what you originally committed: the games, the dessert and a few bottles of wine. If there’s not enough dessert or wine for everybody that shows up, then it will reflect upon your friend: she is the host, not you.
If your going to to have a little hissy fit over a couple of bottles of wine and brownies, they must not really be good friends, so what the hell are doing hanging out with them in the first place.
A couple bottles of wine for eight people, when the (apparently) only other provided beverage is water? Your friends don’t drink much. For a night of a meal and games I’d expect at a minimum a bottle per two people, and I’m not even sure that’s nearly enough. I’d be thinking more like 6 bottles minimum.
On the other hand, the OP has to learn to speak up, and quickly. “That won’t be possible” or variants thereof will be useful. Or “I’d really been thinking of just dinner for the four of us, though I’d love to attend a big party another time.”
I would have been taken aback when a games night turned into a dinner party, but since you weren’t I guess that’s not an issue.
The inviting other guests is tacky. True, it’s her house, but the understanding from the beginning was a foursome.
I do not advise not showing up. At this point commitments have been made, if grudgingly, and it could be seen as a vindictive act.
There are a number of games that work well with larger groups (Outburst, Pictionary, and Catchphrase come to mind). If possible, bring some of that type. Also bring some that work for four or less – it’s possible that not everyone will show up, or that the group will divide into foursomes playing two different games. I would bring cards as well.
You have an agreement to bring one or two bottles of wine. Do what’s comfortable here. I wouldn’t be averse to grabbing a couple of $5 bottles of white Zin myself.
If your desert agreement specified baked by your boyfriend, I’d say let him choose what to make. If that was not specified, that gives you the option of buying something instead. Do what’s comfortable.
Hope that Ms. Hostess of the Year surprises you by having something else you’d enjoy – booze*, coffee/tea, table snacks, etc., and that the other couples will also be bringing something. If it really is just the lasagna and what you bring, remember that the worst experiences make the best stories later. 
One thought on trying to improve the situation. You could ask her today if there really won’t be anything to drink besides what you bring and water, in a perplexed and incredulous tone of voice. Depending on her reaction, you may have to/get the opportunity to explain that in your experience, hosts usually had things like coffee, tea, and soda available. Perhaps she’ll get the hint (but don’t make bets on that).
Don’t make a final judgment until afterwards. It may be as yucky as you fear, but maybe – we hope – it will turn out to be enjoyable after all.
*In my experience, bringing wine is considered bringing a portion of the meal (akin to bringing bread), and is not the same as bringing booze for the whole evening.
Seriously. I’ve been WTFing throughout this thread at the sudden pile on of sven. Of course she “breezes” into threads and posts her opinion. Everyone does! It’s the entire point of a messageboard.
We have a lot of games nights at our house, and you asked for opinions, so here’s mine:
- You did agree to bring the dessert. Bring as much as you previously planned to make. If you were planning to make a cake, it would be enough for eight anyway.
- Ask the hostess “What are the other people bringing?” If she says “Nothing,” give her a long, measured look. Then ask her again.
- I agree with needscoffee that you shouldn’t volunteer to have it at your house, no matter how much you supply to the party. You don’t know these people, and they could turn out to be boring, vulgar, hostile, whatever; then you can leave! Of course, at your house, you could tell them to leave, but it’s more complicated and stressful than simply saying “Gotta go! Thxbye!” If they turn out be fab, you can stay and make plans to see them again.
- At our games nights, we provide the standard array of soft drinks (diet and regular Coke, 7UP, Dr Pepper, one or two fruit flavors) and beer. It is generally understood that guests who want an exotic soft drink will bring it themselves. We also provide chips, dip, and usually homemade cookies or cheesecake.
- The only way in hell we would ever ask any of our guests to bring anything specific is if someone offered something specific: “Hey, I’d love to come! Want me to bring my famous cheese ball?” or if someone called for directions and asked if he could pick up something on the way and we needed ice or something, and then we would accept if we needed ice.
- I think alice_in_wonderland may be onto something in that your friend has no idea how to host a party, and may not realize that many board games don’t work with eight people. We have a huge number of games, so when we have a dozen people, we may have six people playing one game, four playing another, and two playing a strategy game in a corner. But with eight, you might have to split four and four. You may or may not have appropriate games.
Your friend may have mentioned that she was having this event to a couple of people and they invited themselves, and she might not have had the stones to say no, or just have thought “the more the merrier” without realizing that there was more work involved. And then she knew she was in over her head and decided to pass it all off on you.
I’d go, bring the dessert and a couple of bottles of wine, and be prepared for anything. Make your decision on whether to continue the games nights after what you see.
Whew! Went to bed last night and woke up to a two page thread!
Alice, she’s actually a court reporter, so technically, I only see her maybe twice a month. We got to know each other because I cover a calendar that involves a lot of waiting around before anything actually happens in court so we ended up spending a good deal of time shooting the shit. Hence, the party invite. I also think she’s being clueless. I never called her a bitch, she certainly isn’t one, I think people are reading a bit into that.
Wilbo: I’ve never hung out with her in this capacity. We’ve had dinner once and lunch a couple times, that’s it.
To everyone talking about the games: refer to what crazycatlady said. I don’t mind bringing games, it’s just one more thing that one individual participant, amongst 8, is being expected to provide.
To the sven posse: I am a bit biased against her. I don’t mind hearing people’s opinions, that is why I post in IMHO. I realize I asked for said opinions. However, sven has a habit of rolling into IMHO threads and disagreeing with the OP in practically every thread she posts to. I believe she tends to be contrary for the sake of being contrary in an attempt to show how much more enlightened she is than everyone else. It might not be intentional, it might just be her persona which would certainly explain why she doesn’t get along with most people she encounters, by her own admission. It’s definitely getting old, though.
For everyone who sees absolutely no problem with the hostess’ actions: clearly you were raised with different rules of ettiquite (i’m sorry, I can’t seem to spell that word for the life of me this morning) than I was. It would just never occur to me to invite someone into my home, expect them to bring the majority of the supplies for the evening (yes, I acknowledge I offered the dessert and games, then she doubled the amount of people and asked for me to bring the wine too, remember?) and then refuse to even provide a soda for said guest. If you think that’s perfectly acceptable behavior, that’s great. Be aware though, that your behavior might be considered pretty damn rude by most of society.
As it stands, we’ll still go, because I think it would be ruder not to at this point. We’ll bring one or two games (instead of the stack we were planning) one bottle of wine and some pre-made cookies from Costco or something. Then we’ll never go again.
Thanks everyone.
I think your response depends largely on the type of relationship you have/desire with this workplace “friend”, and your desire to make this game night a continuing social engagement.
If she is just an acquaintance, you don’t fear workplace gossip, and you could take or leave this game night with these people recurring, then I’d beg off sooner rather than later. Probably wouldn’t even give a reason, just say sorry we can’t make it. If pressed, I’d probably come up with some excuse involving my spouse - either a comminicable illness, unexpected out-of-town visit by family, etc. And if you wanted to get in a jab you could say, “I’m glad 2 other couples are coming so you’ll still have a good time.”
If you like this “friend”, you probably go along with what you allowed yourself to get roped into this one occasion, and remind yourself not to let others take advantage of you in the future. This is especially true if you think it likely your absence or honesty would provide future fodder for workplace gossip.
If you like this person, you might want to try to help her figure out why she was so clueless. But I generally try to avoid such “assistance.”
Also, if you wanted to help this person learn, and wanted the game nights to continue, you suck it up and attend this one as planned, and then offer to host the next one, and either provide everything if you think the future hosts should, or discuss everyone bringing something.
If you can’t be honest with her about the parts of this that bother you, and it seems you cannot, (unless you count sarcastic texting), then either suck it up, as in - get right with it, go and have a nice time and don’t make plans for/attend any more such events with this friend.
Were it me, I’d be backing out a day before. That gives her a full day to buy her own wine, soda, desert and scare up some board games. It just seems to me that the simplest way for her to understand the disproportional amount of provisioning she has placed on you, is for you to back out. It will instantly become crystal clear to her that you were providing more than any guest should be required to, for a party she is supposed to be hosting.
Hell, give her two days notice, just call and say, “I’m so sorry, but something’s come up, I’m going to have to cancel. But I hope you have a wonderful time!”
I can’t see how she can get angry about it. I mean who’s going to listen to her whine without saying, “Gee, maybe they canceled because you were making them provide so much for a party you were hosting.”
I’m a very honest and up front person, so along the way, I’d have said, “Well, since it will be 8 instead of four, I’ll have to change my plan, so I’ll bring the games and desert and leave the rest to you or the others.” I understand that everyone isn’t wired this way.
(And why slag Even Sven? You asked for opinions and she offered one. If she’s in college or Cameroon I can’t see how that matters. I very much enjoy her contribution to these boards and feel that you have slagged her without cause. Which makes you look bad, not her.)