Seconded, thirded, whatever. I was all like “WTF?!” 
There seems to be a disproportionately high number of childish, bitchy adults out there in SDMBland.
For what it’s worth, a friend of mine and I used to co-host a big dinner every year: It was at his place, and I did all of the food. It can work out well, but it should be emphasized that it didn’t start as him hosting the party, and asking me to provide a bunch of stuff. Originally, it was all my party, and at some point he offered to have it at his place, since it would mean that he he didn’t have to round up his kids to take them out, and his place is bigger, anyway. Plus, all of the guests were mutual friends, anyway, so it wasn’t like either of us were imposing a bunch of random strangers on each other.
I always tell guests that they don’t have to bring anything but an appetite. There are a few who will always insist on bringing something, and I don’t stop them, but I wouldn’t ask them to.
I would still go to the party. I mean, you have to deal with this woman at work. Just don’t get bitten twice.
And yes, what she is doing is rude and obnoxious. When I host a party, I expect to cover all necessities. If someone offers, OK, but if not, it’s all on me.
elbows, that’s why I was originally thinking of backing out. I try to avoid being passive aggressive though, since it can backfire and make me look like the ass. Otherwise, I totally agree with your post.
As for the sven comments, let’s just drop it, okay? I don’t like her and I let another preachy, condescending post of hers get under my skin. In the future, I’ll just ignore her because it’s really not worth it to me.
Yes, the hostess is being extremely inconsiderate and has made it especially difficult for you to back out by “stepping up” what is expected. Bringing enough wine/cake/whatever for four people is not the same level of imposition as doing it for eight, and by going from four to six to eight guests it makes it much more awkward for you to draw the line and say no.
Also - seriously: who invites people over for a games night and provides absolutely nothing for the guests - no games, no snacks, no drinks? That’s not “hosting”, that’s “letting people use your living room for a few hours”. I’m surprised she isn’t charging you all to use the bathroom.
I’d say go and bring desserts, wine and games as promised, but scale down the fanciness - ice cream and storebought pie should be fine. If your hostess expresses surprise that you didn’t bring homemade baked goods, shrug it off by saying that there wouldn’t have been enough to go around for eight and this was easier.
I also second the suggestion to ask what other guests are bringing, under the pretext of “making sure that you don’t bring the same thing”. If she says “nothing”, a pointed silence should follow.
And another WTF at the whole evensven thing.
Personally, I think that kind of passive aggressive stuff is a lot ruder than just canceling. If you don’t want to go, don’t go. Don’t punish the other basically blameless guests by sulking during the whole party. Seriously, I can understand not bringing lots of expensive wines and desserts, but deciding to only bring one or two games (perhaps you should make sure to bring the most boring games possible, just to punish her properly?) makes you seem just a tad bit petty.
And upon thinking about it, I don’t like the games bit, either. Sure, I’ll bring my games…but it’s a game night! The evening was not set up as an evening together, and hey, we’ll play some games. It was set up specifically as a game night. That was the point where the coworker should have said, “But I don’t have any games…”
Clueless and silly from the beginning.
I agree that going is the better choice. I will suggest that one or two games sounds marginal – three or four gives a wider selection and perhaps a better chance of everyone having fun, and if you’re going you may as well maximize the chance of actually enjoying it. I will also suggest waiting until after the event to make proclamations about the future.
Yes, I was planning on going and then pouting in the corner all night. :rolleyes: Give me a little credit, I’m not a child. This whole thread has been about manners, I would never go to someone’s house and act like that. I’d cancel before I’d be so obnoxious.
I think i’ll suggest to her that she pick up some more crowd appropriate games like pictionary, ect. We have stuff like monopoly and yatzee, not really games suited for large parties. That would also put some of the responsibility of providing some of the entertainment for her party on her.
I’m going to amend my answer;
I’d still go, the first time at least. Who knows? Maybe you’ll get along famously with those other couples and become even better friends with them than the original couple. Hell, I’ve seen that happen many times when people introduce friends to other friends.
I’d probably drop a couple of “Well, this was originally supposed to be a game night” comments during the night (once only per person) and gauge reactions. Find out whether or not these other couples were even told this was the plan, or whether they’re interested in such things.
You’re the one who just said she’d go but be passive aggressive and bring store bought cookies and 1-2 games.
I like this suggestion … very workable.
I have never asked people to bring anything unless it is prearranged as a pot luck. If people want to bring something, it is entirely up to them.When I throw an evening of entertainment, I expect to provide the entertainment and the munchies, and we normally have a couple of boxes of decent drinkable plonk, and assorted booze and mixers [in generaly, a rum, a vodka, a brandy, a gin, a blended scotch and a few cordials like creme de cassis, creme de menthe, creme de cacao and kalhua for people who like sipping cordials] though right now we have ponche kuba and ponche caribe, and a blackstrap rum that is very interesting =)
Well, but what’s wrong with bringing 1 or 2 games and store-bought cookies to a party where the hostess is serving a store-bought lasagna and water? It’s not like her contribution is going to stick out as being shittier than what the hostess is providing. If people want more games or fancier desserts than that, someone else can go pick something up.
She is supplying water, store lasagna, and her house. I think if that is all of the involvement she is going to provide, I wouldn’t do much more.
She doesn’t deserve my yummy baked cookies!
If we’re all talking about being mature adults in this thread, we could do without the mud slinging. Everyone is entitled to their opinion.
As for the OP, my advice would have been to say something to her. You already agreed to bring the games, dessert, and wine. If you weren’t comfortable with that, at any point in time, you could have said so. Is your friend being rude, yes, but how is she supposed to know she is out of line when you keep telling her yes? When she said “Oh, it’s going to be eight people now, is that ok?” you should have said “Sure, that’s fine on the desserts, but I really don’t think we can swing bringing wine for that many as well.”
Your friend may be rude and taking advantage of you, but you’re the one letting her. We are each responsible for our own feelings. At this point, I would just bring what you said you’re comfortable bringing and try to have a good time. When you host next month, ask her if she could bring the wine this time. In the future, when she asks you to bring something, if it becomes an issue, just say you can’t swing it and don’t feel guilty. It’s not your responsibility to entertain and feed her guests.
I’m torn on this only because of how I throw my own parties. First, I do think it is weird that you seem to be the only guest that is going to be bringing anything, However, you may also have been the only one to ever offer. Which may lead the hostess to think that you are willing to be more “involved,” for lack of a better word, in the hosting duties. I think you are completely within reason to both say no to bringing extra wine or even attending.
The only reason I am hesitant to completely say this woman is in the wrong is how I throw parties. When I throw a party I usually have Taco Night (which is exactly how it sounds). I provide the Tacos with all the fixin’s, I provide a drink of the evening either Margaritas or Mojitos and a full liquor bar. (Mostly because I happen to have quite an extensive bar). I don’t provide desserts, because I don’t particularly care for them, I don’t bake and I don’t know what desserts go well with Tacos. I don’t provide beer because, again, I don’t particularly care for it and I feel I’ve done my part by having the alcohol available. I provide enough food /beverage for at least 20 people, although I’ve had Taco night with as few as 5.
There are people who will come to Taco Night and bring Wine/Beer, Desserts, and whatever else they fancy. Some people bring salads, or more Veggie friendly items. I never ask them to bring them, but anyone of my friends knows that they will need them if they want them. I’m wondering if this woman throws parties the same way. I know it is somewhat selfish, My party My choice definitely is how I run it.
I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, that she doesn’t realize that she is asking so much of you. Because of that, I would honestly talk to her. Tell her that because she has doubled the number of people at the party, you are not as comfortable with providing. Maybe she doesn’t realize that it makes a difference? Hopefully it is all just a misunderstanding and you can attend without feeling overwhelmed and have a great time. That, I think, should be the main focus of the evening.
Sigh. As I’ve said multiple times already, I was pretty much okay, albiet a little put out, until the soda thing. That is what put me over the edge. The fact that we’re bringing 80% of the party, then she has the nerve to tell us to bring our own soda if we want it, was uncalled for. Also, a good host doesn’t put their guests in the position of having to say no to too many requests. It shouldn’t be on me to have to “draw the line” on what I’m in charge of bringing as a guest to someone else’s party.
I texted her and asked if one of the guests could bring the soda, and told her it was “a little weak” to ask us to do that when we’re already providing the dessert, entertainment and wine. She responded that it was fine and “they just don’t drink soda, that’s all she meant.” Based on that, methinks she just doens’t host much.
She offered to pick up some games. I think I’ll take her up on that.
The one thing about bringing games is that if you happen to bring a shitty game, you could ruin the whole night. And you have to make sure your game accommodates 8, so that actually rules out a lot of games. That’s a lot of pressure!
A lot of people bring games to my game night and we can’t play them because they’re for 6 or fewer. One time someone brought a game that they had gotten for Christmas, and we all started playing it and realized how much it sucked. Luckilly, we had a lot of other games and often play 2-3 a night anyway.
Hopefully the OP has something like Scattergories or Outburst. I hope if you end up going, people don’t get pissed at your choice of games…it’s not your fault!
Yah - I’m now firmly in the 'She doesn’t know how to be a hostess." camp. If you do like her and do enjoy her company then I guess you should go and try to have a good time.
It seems like it’s not even inconsiderate so much as totally clueless - is she a younger woman? I know when I started dating my husband the dates he proposed involved hanging out at my place. I told him if he actually wanted to out with me there would be dinner and a movie involved at the very least which he was happy to provide - honestly it had never occurred to him 'cus I guess folks in his age group don’t tend to ‘date’ the way us old fogies do. Perhaps it’s the same with your friend? Her other friends ‘host’ similarly lame evenings?
Anyhoo, I agree with you completely that she’s stunned as far as hosting goes, but as it seems more like she really is stunned, and not actually trying to take advantage of you, I guess you should go and try to have fun.
I suppose if you were feeling really generous you could host the next one at your place and show her how it’s done. 
I think we’ve established she’s not a good host. While she shouldn’t ask, it’s still *your *responsibility for what *you *bring. Yes, she shouldn’t put you in that position in the first place, but she did, and saying yes only encourages the behavior.
It could be that she’s just totally clueless on hosting etiquette. If this is the case, she will learn. So take her up on picking up a few games, and ask her to bring something to your next game night, assuming it repeats.