My older sister has been married for 15 years. Although I’ve been aware of some pains and upheavals in their marriage in the past, I thought that they’d successfully worked through these issues (with the aid of counseling) and were now at a happy, contented place in their relationship.
But yesterday, my sis told me that things were not as good as I thought. Just about in ever facet, their relationship seems to be off the rails. Sex has been suffering for years now (it sounds like a combination of impotence and mismatched libidos…she wants it more than him) and communication is dismal (when she confides to him that she’s unhappy about something, she literally gets nothing but silence in return).
But the thing that alarms me the most is the amount of contempt she has towards him. She doesn’t seem to like or respect his personality much, and from her description of things (and I understand there are two sides to every story), it sounds like he exhibits juvenile passiveness that frankly would irk the fuck out of me too. Take this for instance. Although he has the higher paying job, she manages the finances, which are pretty tight at the moment. One night he wanted money to go beer-drinking with his friends, so he asked her for some cash. She said okay, they could dip into the funds for his nightout, but a trip to the ATM was needed. He said okay, and then looked at her expectedly, assuming that she would then get up and go to the ATM, alone at 10pm, to get him his money. She’s says his attitude is not of a self-entitled domineering type, but rather a weak, whiny child who sits back and lets himself be served.
I don’t see how it is possible to carry out a relationship when one or both parties has such strong contempt for the other person. In any marriages/LTRs that you know or have experienced, have they survived this level of emotion? They have two kids (a 9 and a 15 year old).
People may claim otherwise but no, a marriage can’t be saved once that level of contempt is reached at least in terms of long-term happiness. What’s the point other than as an endurance stunt? The best that they could hope for is to make the divorce is amicable as possible and it is better just to get that out of the way before a total meltdown happens.
I think I read somewhere recently that studies had been done looking at couples’ interactions. Apparently one of the major indicators for divorce was contempt. Here’s an article from today’s Times which touches on this.
I’m pretty optimistic about romantic relationships, but while I wouldn’t say that outright contempt is impossible to recover from, it seems like it would be pretty darned difficult. AND, in order to recover from it (if that’s got any hope at all), both parties would have to be fully on board and committed to making things work.
Otherwise, they’d better either both commit themselves to living with the contempt/unhappiness, or separate and divorce.
Did he SAY that he was expecting her to go get the cash? Did he do so based on previous experiences? Because he may well have been expecting her to tell him how much he was allowed to take out (without getting yelled at) or he may have been expecting her to do it because she got explosive in the past when he did such things on his own initiative. There are always two sides to this, and if she has been treating him with contempt and refusing to allow him to do certain things without paying a price, then inaction becomes the Order of the Day.
This thread should be probably moved to IMHO, but I don’t know how to make that happen. A little help, mods?
I guess I should modify my question, since I know married couples who hate each other can stay together until forever. Is it possible for a relationship to survive and be healthy once one or both partners decides that they just don’t like their mate’s personality? It doesn’t seem possible to me, but I’d like to be convinced otherwise. Not just because I don’t want my sister to be stuck in a crappy marriage or go through a messy divorce, but also to give me hope if I should ever find myself in her shoes.
My brother and ex-SIL had a similar relationship for 20 years or so. The level of contempt for each other that they reached at the end made it toxic to be around them. It was a relief when they finally split up. On the whole, it’s been much better for the kids, I think, although their very different views on discipline and money and a number of other items makes it a constant negotiation.
So, yeah, I think you hit a point where it’s very difficult, if not impossible, to save a marriage.
I don’t get the sense that this was going on from her telling of things, but of course, there’s no way for me to know for sure.
My sis is not the nagging type. I can imagine she wasn’t exactly thrilled when my BIL asked her for money and she may have said something like “okay, but you know we’re pretty much broke, right?”. But bitching at how dare he come asking for money is not her style. The issue, according to her, wasn’t that he wanted to spend money that needed to be saved. It was the fact that he saw nothing off about having his wife take on the risk of being mugged late at night just to get 20 bucks for him to spend on beer, when he was perfectly capable of getting off his ass and getting it himself. She doesn’t understand why this doesn’t seem to occur naturally in his mind. And yeah, I’m assuming she knows what he was expecting based on 15 years of experience.
It doesn’t help that she constantly compares his passivity to our dad’s assertiveness, and finds him lacking because “daddy would never do something like that!”
Whether this justifies her contempt is kind of besides the point, though. Her feelings are what her feelings are.
Is the dude really contemptable or is it just her turning into a bitchy nag?
If he is “really” contemptable then any reasonable person would not be able to be convinced that he does not deserve contempt and its probably over.
If he ISNT contemptable, then it is POSSIBLE (probably through therapy) for the bitchy nag switch to be turned off. Maybe her’s cant be turned off though. But, in that case, any future relationship will be doomed as well because she will very likely find something contempable about a new partner too.
It’s hard to say, of course, but it doesn’t sound like she’s very happy. Husbands and wives should be loving partners, not barely tolerating each other or one looking after the other like a child.
Actually, the OP sort of reminds me of my own parents (he made more, she controlled the finances and raised the children and took care of the house and somehow, while not working an office job, ‘wasn’t working’). She may just be telling her brother the worst bits. If there’s anything to salvage, they definitely need a break to realize it. Simmering contempt doesn’t disappear.
But would she expect HIM to go out with a chainsaw and risk HIS life and limb cutting up a newly fallen tree in the yard after a storm? She could get off her ass and use a chainsaw just like a man could.
Sounds to me a little like the old sexism is bad till it isnt BS some women like to embrace.
If SHE is the one that has taken control of the money and money distribution, IMO she shouldnt get that bent that he wants some money and expects her to go get it.