In order for any relationship to last for any length of time, you both have to learn to let the little shit slide! JMHO.
They’ve been married for long enough that they each have contributed to how the other acts and if she wants him to be different, she has to be different.
There’s a really good book called Divorce Busting that can be used by one person, if the other isn’t interested. It shows a lot of ways that one person can act differently to change the other’s behavior.
They’re probably both unhappy. Neither of them sound like awful people, just unsuited to one another at this point in time. I think it is best if they split up.
I think if they are going to stay together then they at least owe it to their kids to go to a counselor and try to get to a place where she has some respect for him. If you, her brother, are hearing details of what’s going on then I’m sure it’s no big secret to the kids who have to live with them. Consider the money spent on counseling bills an investment in their kids happiness.
And I agree, I find it hard to believe that she had no role in the making of the ‘parent-child’ relationship. If it were my sister I would even encourage her to talk to someone by herself if the husband isn’t agreeable, since she can benefit more from an impartial and trained 3rd party than from me, who still has to see the guy around.
This is amateur armchair psychologist wankery, but: the wife has an aggressive dad, yes? Wanted to get away from that, married a guy who’s the total opposite of Daddy? Became aggressive herself; over time, timid husband – who is the same guy he’s always been – becomes disgusting and pathetic in her eyes? Yeah.
Oh, and bonus points for getting married only because she got pregnant! Whoo-hoo!
I’m getting emotionally involved here and I don’t even know these people! Jeez.
No, my dad is not “aggressive”. He’s assertive. Meaning, he gets stuff done with little prodding or oversight. For instance, if the dishes need to be done, he recognizes this and does them with little to-do. He doesn’t have to be asked to do them. My BIL is not like this. He will pass by an overflowing garbage can 20 times without it occuring to him to empty it. If you ask him to do, he’ll do it. But you have to ask him.
If the kids need to be picked up from an event and he can’t/doesn’t want to do it and my sister can’t/doesn’t want to do it, he won’t try to come up with an alternate solution that works well for everybody. He will sit back and say “that doesn’t work for me” and then leave it to my sister figure all out. My dad, on the other hand, is the type would be more engaged in this kind of problem-solving.
My sister, if anything, idolizes my dad which is why she is constantly drawing comparisons between her husband and him. I think this is a flaw of hers since daddy is far from perfect and BIL probably has some pluses over him in many respects.
I have to agree with that.
This sounds pretty accurate. She thinks she wants a more assertive guy, but you have to work with what you’ve got - if she has to be the one to make the alternative plans, then make the alternative plans. If she has to tell him to go to the ATM on his way to the bar, then tell him. I think her decision has to be to get in or get out of this marriage. Get in means she finds a way to be a good wife to this guy.
While I personally don’t like the idea of anybody being compared and/or judged by the standards of another and is expected to live up to them, it seems that your sister has no problem in doing so which does lead to disappointment/anger by her and resentment by him.
Just curious…has your sister told you of any pluses her husband has, or have you discovered some yourself, and if so, have you told your sister what those pluses are? What was her reaction when you told her of those pluses? (if any)
She has told me his pluses and I know him well enough to see some too. One thing that she appreciates is that “he lets her be her”. He doesn’t try to control her and she values that. He also told her that there is absolutely nothing that she could do that would make him leave her. She has him unconditionally, so he never makes her feel insecure. But truth be told, I think the unconditional love thing bothers her because of the lack of self-respect that it signals.
The assertiveness of our dad comes with some annoying Type A tendencies. BIL doesn’t have these tendencies, which is good. I pointed this out. But this isn’t something that is unknown to her. I think she’d rather have an annoying Type A in her life than an annoying Type Z (or whatever the opposite of a Type A is).
She’s not under the impression that BIL is a bad person. When she’s venting, I doubt the last thing she wants to hear someone is invalidating her feelings or telling her that she’s to blame. So that is not what I really want to do.
It sounds like that if this marriage is going to last it’s completely up to your sister. Your BIL doesn’t sound like a horrible person. It doesn’t even sound like he’s that unhappy in the marriage. Is there anything he’s unhappy about (other than her nagging him)?
You sister will likely never change him into the man she wants. Can she learn to love him for who he is? This marriage is totally saveable. Your sister simply has to stop lamenting that he’s not someone else.
Whenever everything is awful, there are three very important things to consider first.
1: If things were not awful, what would it be like?
2: What specific concrete steps could be accomplished to make things less awful?
3: Who should take those steps, and when should they do it?
By the way, the answer to the last question is always, you, and now.
Tris