Back when I was internet dating, I preferred to meet sooner rather than later, because the in-person physical IRL reaction is KEY. I messaged back and forth with a few guys early on and then met them and found that they were nothing like their email or even their phone voice.
One, I remember, was rude to the waiter where we met for lunch. Deal-breaker for me, and that’s not something you will find out until you meet.
If you meet for coffee or lunch in a public place and don’t give out your address, or even your last name, you’re plenty protected IMHO.
My policy was to meet in person (usually low key coffee or lunch) as soon as we found mutual interest. I want to know if there is chemistry before I start handing out my phone number.
OKC seems to attract a different crowd in Australia compared to RSVP, eHarmony etc. Seems to get a lot of counter culture and arty people. I have had a great time with OKC and of the sites it is my fave!.
I don’t think this counts as picky at all. Really it’s just two things: don’t be an idiot and don’t be ugly. That’s pretty much what everyone uses to narrow down responses.
As to how to get a lot of messages: be a reasonably attractive woman. A friend of mine signed up on New Years eve at like 10 pm and had 15 messages at 6 am. That’s more than I’ll get in a year. It’s just the nature of the game.
Don’t play; just be yourself, inconsistency is easily spotted. For me I suggest exchanging numbers after about a few messages if there is interest and then on to a meeting fairly quickly.
Look it seems to work for me but then again I do know guys who play the hard to get long play but meh for me I can’t be bothered with this and it shows.
But hey keep us informed, the more information we share the better!
There’s also a totally opposite reason to meet sooner rather then later. It’s too easy to build someone up in your mind to something they can’t possible live up to and then when you meet them and they’re perfectly average, it’s a let down.
Or, someone that you talk to for weeks and seems perfect for you, and on paper, is, but when you meet them there’s something about them that you never would have found out just by talking. A few examples. A real one for me to start. I talked to a girl for weeks, I like her profile, we got along great in the emails, the pictures were good. We met for dinner and it went well. There wasn’t a spark or anything, but the problem was she had sooo much makeup on. Not like clown makeup, just a lot of makeup in general. It was done well, couldn’t tell from the pictures, but I remember that it was enough that I could smell it when she gave me a hug. A few months later I stumbled onto her profile again and thought about asking her out again (even just as friends) and for a minute I wondered why I didn’t ask her out right away after our first date, then I noticed the makeup in the pictures.
Or, have you ever met someone IRL and said “Wow, she’s really pretty/hot/cute, but I could never live with that voice.” You’d never know it from the emails.
You might find out that after a few weeks of everything going very well online, he/she is an absolute asshole IRL, or lied about their age or height or weight or had deceiving/old pictures or said they didn’t smoke but do or said they didn’t have kids but do or you found out during the date they have a psycho ex you really don’t want in your life.
IOW, it’s fun to chat online and and keep up the illusion/fantasy of this perfect person for a while, but the sooner you can move it to meatspace the sooner you’ll ultimately be done with online dating forever.
Speak for yourself. I’d say I reject a good 85% of the people I see on OKC simply on their profile picture and of the remaining 15% 14% have something in the first 5 sentences of their bio that makes me wish they were dead. Nothing makes me more misanthropic than going on OKCupid.
We didn’t have OKCupid in Japan, but there was a local online classified which was the closest thing. You would but in an ad and then get responses back. The paid ads came first and thus got a higher return, and then they had free ads later.
My marketing friend would do multiple ads focusing no different things to see what kind of different replies. Some would stress his career, others would be more family oriented. Others would be more “hey, I’m an American man here” sort of thing to see what kinds of people were just interested in meeting a white guy. He didn’t have any cats or he would have tried that.
His report is that it surprised him how many replies where just “send pics” with barely any or no punctuation or capitalization, let alone a thoughtful reply. It just sounds like fatigue, there’s just so people on the net, trying to sort though is tough.
It’s not just internet dating though. I used to meet women in bars and if we hit it off, set up a followup date. Funny how you can have had a good time and then the second time it just dies. This is where I started to set up meetings for coffee to make it easier to cut it short if things didn’t work out.
I’ve heard enough horror stories from both sexes. It’s not a male or female thing.
For me it’s mostly what they say. Pictures can be a little tricky and I certainly don’t reject that many on looks, but a huge percentage of profiles (this applies to all dating sites) offer absolutely no insight into the nature of the person. Their profiles read like Forer Effect tricks:
“I’m a caring woman who loves to live life to the fullest. My passions are travel, family, and enjoying a glass of wine while I snuggle on the couch. I like my job but I can find time to relax, and I’m just as comfortable in jeans as I am in heels! I’m not into drama or mind games.”
It’s hard to write a message when there’s nothing in the profile to hang anything on.
Recently newly “single” I’ve been checking out the dating websites. Almost all the ads read like that.
That, and every fucking woman around here loves “camping”. Now I know why I could never find the nice single women all these years. They were all hiding in the woods apparently.
That is why you should propose your first date as multi-day backpacking and hunting trip. Almost none of them will take you up on it, but if you find one that does and you still like her at the end, ask her to marry you as soon as you get back.
No B&W - You’re not Ansel Adams and I’m not spending the rest of my life with feet on piano keys on my walls.
No Myspace angles - Just stop.
Absolutely no B&W Myspace angles - It’s like you want me to punch you in the neck.
No bathroom shots - First, clean your goddamn mirror. Spunk spots are not attractive (Sure, they’re toothpaste spatters. Also that’s still gross.) How horrifying are you that no living person will take a photo for you? And it doubles as an IQ test because you’re too dumb to use a timer.
No half grin/half moues - None of us think we look great in every photo. Just smile, asshole.
So, all totally logical and nothing that indicates I’m a judgmental dick, right?
(As for profiles, well! One guy said he was a mixture of Oscar Wilde, August Derleth and someone else, maybe Thoreau. Pass. Pass x infinity. Another guy said, message him if you want to evolve. I was too scared. What if I evolved into something that couldn’t eat pizza?)
I feel like we’re starting the Dating Advice thread over again, which is fine, it was starting to get a bit long. WRT to picture, when I’m out with friends or family, we don’t tend to take pictures of each other, plus I’ve never been terribly photogenic. On top of that, when I think someone got a good picture of me, I don’t want to say “Hey, make sure you put that online so I can post it to my dating profile”. Kinda awkward. Right now, about half my pictures are taken by others, but I as they became outdated (and I grew a beard) I needed some updated ones so there’s a few selfies in there. They’re mostly normal (one, not so much).
The thing that bugs me is when all your pictures are with groups of friends and I can’t tell you apart. Or you only have one picture and it’s of two people that are similar looking.
Also, if there’s a guy in the picture, for the love of god, tell me who it is “My BFF Jason” or “My brother Frank” or “My college roomate Sam”. I hate seeing those pictures and thinking “Oh, if that’s your ex, then I have no chance”. Besides, I really don’t have any interest in meeting your ex to begin with so why do you think I want to see pictures of him now. Thing is, YOU know it’s your bff/roomie/brother, but I don’t. I just see a guy with his arm around you and assume it’s your old boyfriend.
Also, another (usually) automatic no for me is the sexual poses, even if they’re not intentional. A finger in your mouth. Laying in your bed with ‘that look’ in your eye. You’re not fully clothed (ie in your underwear). But, more often then not, the people doing that tend to be pretty trashy looking to begin with and it probably would have been a ‘no from me’ anyways.
And if I may add a story to those presented. Tonight, I got the following message on OKC, “Hey, are you real? Is this profile fake? You seem too hot to be single, plus there’s a lot of fake profiles on here now.” First of all, I laughed for a solid 2 minutes upon reading that. My profile talks about my love of BBC news, the time I broke my back dancing to Mambo #5, and how- among other things- I coach a high school debate team. I’m not an ugly person by any stretch, but I’m certainly not going to pass for a model any day of the week what with my tubby lumpkins body shape (and I have several full body shots on my profile, all recent because I don’t ever want to be that horribly deceptive person).
I replied back: “LOL “too hot.” Ok. Thank you. Though, I had no idea there was an epidemic of spammers pretending to be fat, brunette debate coaches on OKCupid. Must be a new tactic.”
