This is a brief quote from Bill Bryson’s book “Neither Here Nor There: Travels in Europe”. This is a very funny book, and I would be interested in hearing any quotes funnier than the one below.
“The sex shops [in Hamburg], too, were nothing compared to those in Amsterdam, though they did a nice line in inflatable dolls which I studied closely, never having seen one outside a Benny Hill sketch. I was particularly taken with an inflatible companion called the Aphrodite which sold for 129 marks. The photograph on the front was of a delectably attractive brunette in a transparent negligee. Either this was cruelly misleading or they have made more progress with vinyl in recent years than I had realized.”
"In large, lurid letters the box listed Aphrodite’s many features. LIFE-SIZED!, SOFT FLESH-LIKE SKIN!, INVITING ANUS! (Beg pardon?), MOVABLE EYES! (Ugh) and LUSCIOUS VAGINA THAT VIBRATES AT YOUR EVERY COMMAND!
“There was another one called Chinese Love Doll 980 ‘for a long-lasting relationship’, it promised sincerely, and then in bolder letters added: EXTRA THICK VINYL RUBBER. Kind of takes the romance out of it, don’t you think? This was clearly a model for the more practical types. On the other hand it also had a VIBRATING VAGINA AND ANUS and TITS THAT GET HOT!! Below this it promised: SMELL LIKE A REAL WOMAN”
“All these claims were in a variety of languages. It was interesting to see that the German versions all sounded coarse and bestial: LEBENGROSSE, VOLLE JUNGE BRUSTE, LIEBENDER MUND. The same words in Spanish sounded delicate and romantic: ANO TENTADOR, DELICIOSA VAGINA QUE VIBRA A TU ORDEN, LABIOS AMOROSOS. YOu could almost imagine ordering these in a restaurant ('I’ll have the Ano Tentador lightly grilled and a bottle of Labios Amorosos ‘88’). The same things in German sounded like a wake-up call at a prison camp.”
“I was fascinated. WHo buys these things? Presumably the manufacturers wouldn’t include a vibrating anus or tits that get hot if the demand wasn’t there.”
"Imagine having friends drop in unexpectedly when you were just about to pop the champagne cork and settle down for a romantic evening with your vinyl companion and having to shove her up the chimney and then worry for the rest of the evening that you’ve left the box on the bed or some other give-away lying around. (‘By the way, who’s the other place setting for, Bill?’)
"Perhaps it’s just me. Perhaps these people aren’t the least embarassed about their abnormal infatuations. Perhaps they talk about it with their friends, sit around bars saying ‘Did I tell you I just switched up to an Arabian Nights Model 280? The eyes don’t move, but the anus gives good action.’ Maybe they even bring them along. ‘Helmut, I’d like you to meet my new 440. Mind her tits. They get hot.’
So. Can you do better?
(All of Bill Bryson’s books are well worth reading)