One of the things I like best about this place is the high level of wit. Another is the occasional low level of wit. In other words, I like that you guys make me laugh my ass off. So what are the funniest remarks or bon mots you’ve read? Three of my favorites, and apologies if I screw them up in the paraphrasing:
“Can I get sour cream and guacamole on my Jesus?” – PLDENNISON, puzzling over a “Yo Quiero Jesus” bumpersticker
“Girl, you don’t need somebody who gets drunk and says things like ‘I am the ass master’, unless he’s currently running the tourist Donkey Ride franchise at the Giza pyramids.” – DUCKDUCKGOOSE, responding to the revelation by a younger Doper that her boyfriend referred to himself as The Assmaster.
“I’m on the Scarsdale Diet. If I open the refrigerator, Jean Harris shoots me.” – EVE
One interesting thread involved abusrd, Grampa Simpson-style long stories that tended to go nowhere. Mine involved me being frozen in a cryogenic chamber for most of the 1970s that had a Pac-Man machine built over it, and then my successful career in show business. I claimed that, like Jay Ward and Bill Scott (Bullwinkle, et al.) did, I did not use my real name and went by “Ponsonby Britt.” This let someone to comment:
Now the way that is phrased, it just made me laugh out loud.
Then there are the times I misread something in my mind, and it makes me laugh unintentionally. Someone said that they had an argument with a friend about the implied race of Mrs. Butterworth- I confused “race” with “sex,” and water all over the desk.
On a discussion about C++ and other programming languages, friedo says about java being too large. He punctated his point by saying, “Want to write a simulation of duck sex? Use the animals.duck.procreation class.” To me that was one of the funniest things I read on the net.
‘Do you think there could be a niche market for this? “Ore-Ida Shredded Ass?”’ – CalMeacham, pondering the expression “tastes like ass”
‘Upon reflection, perhaps it means “No, it’s extra if I masterbate into your mocha-latte.”’ – Fenris attempting to decipher the lyrics of “Lady Marmalade”
Ths story in the thread about stupid arguments that
almost led to divorce. A guy posted that there was
screaming, hurling, breaking of a lamp, over the
correct vowel pronunciation of the Raffi kids song
“I like to eat apples and bananas.” Since I am familiar
with the song I found it hysterical. COuldnt get the song
out of my head for days, though.
One great quote is from the production Hair. “Fighting for peace is like f**king for chastity.”
From The Simpsons, I like Homer’s response when he sees that the mad scientist, John Finkle, is selling a matter transporter:
Posted by **Miller[\b] a couple of months ago
“And as far as raping the enviroment goes, that bitch was asking for it, going around with all those hot natural resources. You know she wanted it. The slut.”
I started a thread something like this a while back. Here’s my favorite favorite. It’s Ukelele Ike on learning UncleBeer paid for something:
He picked up the TAB?!?
Hmph. I guess he had a better time with YOU fuckers than he did with us up in Chicago last November. He took a nickel out of his pocket, I swear Jefferson blinked at the bright light.
Bill’s corpse: “Gotcha ya!”
Bill’s widow: “WHAT did he say?”
Friend of Bill: “I think he said ‘Gotcha ya!’”
Other FOB: “Why the hell would he say that? You think he meant ‘Gotcha?’”
Bill’s widow: “Hmm. I will have to talk to the funeral home about this. I think I want my money back.”
Bill’s corpse: “Gotcha ya!”
So what are the funniest remarks or bon mots you’ve read? Three of my favorites, and apologies if I screw them up in the paraphrasing: