Ok, so I live with a buddy of mine and his girlfriend. (Yes, it’s a bit weird, but I’m doing it to save on rent money so I can make a house downpayment in 6 months or so). Over Christmas, he finally popped the big question, which came as a suprise to none. Great, lovely, more power to 'em and all that.
Unfortunately, ever since they’ve been officially been engaged, they’ve done nothing but yell at each other (and me) over what amounts to completely mundate, trivial bullshit. For example, they’re in the midst of a 3-hour fight right now because she wanted to use his cell phone and he didn’t want to get off the couch to find it (he hurt his back snowboarding yesterday). Last night I got yelled at because I apparently didn’t clean the bathroom well enough, never mind that neither of them had lifted a finger to clean the bathroom in the last 3 months. Two days ago it was something about at what theatre they should see a movie.
Ok, obvioulsy getting engaged is a step up in the relationship and all that, although I honestly can’t see what the huge deal is since they’ve been living together for over a year and I’ve lived with them for half of that. But seriously, What-The-Everliving-Fuck is wrong with the two of them?
Thank God the lease is up at the end of June. Only 180ish days to go before I can get the fuck out of here. tick… tick… tick…
No, this is definitely not what being engaged is like. They sound like they deserve each other, and you just happened to be in convenient proximity to dump on. Remember: rational, sane people do not behave that way. People who shout at each other over inane, trivial stuff are just children, even though they may inhabit fully-grown bodies. Sorry you have to wait until June to get away from them, but this is their bed they are making, and they are going to lie in it. You won’t have to be concerned by their actions anymore. You’re the lucky one!
fishbicycle is right. These people sound pretty immature. Not only is this not what being engaged should be like, this isn’t what a relationship should be like. I think their chances of actually making it down the aisle are pretty slim, and I’d bet money that this couple will never celebrate a tenth wedding anniversary together. I suppose it’s always possible that they will enjoy making each other miserable until the end of their lives, but that seems a remote chance to me.
I will never understand why people get engaged to people who they can’t get along with.
Of course rational, sane, grown ups DO yell at each other, and even at people they love, over trivial things. That doesn’t mean that all grown ups yell, just that some do, sometimes. While I wouldn’t recommend doing it on a daily basis, part of a long term relationship is muddling through bad periods like this one and sticking with it. The couple you live with will either do so, and be better for it, or break it off, and be better for it.
Been engaged since September 2004, marrying September 2005.
Irishfella and I manage to keep sensible, by and large, but the stress does go up by several notches, and we have had one or two more arguments than usual.
Nothing serious, but more than normal for us, and sometimes about really stupid things. It’s never actually about the stupid thing, it’s just that the stupid thing is an excuse to get out all the pent-up emotions.
If they’re planning to get married (as opposed to staying engaged for a long time), there can be SERIOUS STRESS involved. There is so much pressure to have the PERFECT WEDDING and THE HAPPIEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE, that people can go temporarily nuts. If they have any problems with their families, this is going to make things worse, and dealing with relatives is stressful at the best of times.
This is no longer simply saying “I’ll love you forever” this is now about entering into a legally binding contract of lifelong fidelity and partnership…sometimes commitments only become real when you’ve already commited to them. At that point, people might wonder if it’s time to start backing out.
Yes, they’re being unreasonable, and treating you really badly, but at the moment they are in a little bubble where their relationship and THE WEDDING are the only things that matter.
Have words, explain you know that their priorities have changed, but you still have to live there and yours haven’t. They’ll probably be horrified that they’ve upset you so much.
irishgirl, they’ve been engaged for approx. 12 days. Isn’t it a little soon for the pressures of the wedding to be getting to them? A three hour fight over him not getting off the couch to give her his cell phone seems to be a bit extreme. If they’re fighting this much now, what are they going to be like the week before the wedding?
Duration of time doesn’t determine how much stress is placed on the couple after engagement. Yes, this is what being engaged is all about.
When my wife and I became engaged, we were under mass amounts of stress as it was. When we became officially engaged, it became worse-we had a wedding to plan and pay for! Very trying times, but surviving some of that shit is a testament to our strength as a couple and not indicative-as some here have commented-of the involved parties’ maturity, or sanity.
They will probably be awful the week before their wedding-we were a terrible bunch that week-but if they make it through the catfighting and the anger and the stress and drama of the next year(or however long), they’ll be better people for it.
Great jumpin’ Jeebus, cant she go get his freaking cell herself?
mrAru goes into my purse all the time foraging for whatever he needs, my cell [he tends to leave his in the car], breath mints, loose change, or to get me something out of it. I also rummage at will in his pockets, coat, backpack…sheesh.
And I also don’t understand the pressure of the wedding, just freaking elope if it is going to be the source of such agira. The only stress from my first wedding was dealing with my mother trying to force her idea of the perfect wedding on me…and we didnt bother telling my parents the second time around until after the fact…I just do not understand the attraction of spending thousands upon thousands of dollars for crap that is going to be used once, or a party for people you dont even know [OooOo you HAVE to invite <insert name of total lameass stranger that might be related to some obscure relative on your mothers sisters aunts husbands cousins side>]
Skip the crap, rent an amusement park for a saturday morning and invite everybody you both know and have fun, and sometime in the day see a justice of the peace, or a chaplain and do the deed.
Can you tell I have been forced to go to lots of weddings of relatives I barely knew by name, business or social friends of my parents…and been hijacked to stand wearing a dress I wouldnt be caught dead in normally, for 3 times as much as it should have cost through a boring ceremony that ended in divorce more times than not? Hell, my brother spent 30K$US on a wedding that lasted less than 9 months…
Jeff and Cheryl and Chip lived together. Jeff and Cheryl got married, and Chip was still their roommate. After a while, he moved out, no doubt because of the constant bickering. Then there was a nasty breakup, and Cheryl moved out, and found a place to stay at the home of the only nearby friend she had – Chip. Their “roommate” situation soon turned to one of fluid exchange. One divorce, one wedding, and two children later, Chip and Cheryl are very happy.
If this is an abrupt change from how they normally are, I’d put it down to stress. And yes, twelve days is plenty for the stress to build up a lot. Making a life change of that kind of magnitude is very big, and it can be kind of scary. No matter how seriously and maturely you’ve discussed it all ahead of time, no matter how happy and excited you are, no matter how certain you are that this is what you want, it can still be scary as hell. At some point, the enormity of it all hits you like a tidal wave, and you think “Holy shit, what have I gotten myself into?”
I was lucky; my mother had already told me about feeling this way both times she found out she was pregnant, so I knew I wasn’t some horrible freak for feeling that way. So when it hit I sat in the kitchen floor and hyperventilated for a while, and afterward I felt much better. I already knew that feeling nervous and frightened of this huge commitment and a little sad at ending that chapter of my life didn’t mean I didn’t love Dr.J, or that I didn’t want to get married, or that we weren’t right for each other. It just meant that I was human and had normal human reactions to major life changes. No big deal, so I could just roll with it and then move on.
Other people are not so fortunate. They don’t realize that it’s fairly normal to feel that way, at least for a little while (of course if you feel that way for a really long time, it might be something more). All they know is that they don’t feel the way society tells them they’re supposed to feel. There’s so much pressure on brides to be not just happy but HAPPY all the time, so many implications that if you don’t feel that way every moment of every day there must be a huge problem…if you buy into that shit, normal feelings of fear and nervousness and sadness can make you feel like a horrible, horrible person. It’s like the suicide rate going up around the holidays–people are unhappy and they feel guilty about being unhappy when they think they’re supposed to be happy, so they’re more unhappy, so they feel guiltier, so…you get the picture. The guilt over feeling things that are perfectly normal and the fear that maybe those feelings mean they’re making a mistake get all wadded up with the original feelings and cause stress of truly amazing proportions. Then you add in people commenting on how happy and excited you must be, and it just feeds the guilt/stress beast. So you wind up in screaming matches over incredibly stupid shit. And that just feeds the beast.
My theory is that their fights are not related to the stress of the wedding, but rather the stress of the lifelong committment they’ve just agreed to. No matter how much someone might look forward to getting engaged/married when you’re single, it’s very abstract. All many people think about it is how romantic pledging your lives to each other is.
And then it hits you. That annoying tone to his voice when he asks to borrow your car? The fact that she never rinses her milk glass? You’re going to be dealing with that for decades. Unless you take a stand now.
Mrs. Giraffe and I found ourselves having a few really stupid arguments right after we got married. My older and wiser sister helped me identify why we suddenly started bickering about stupid stuff, and assured me it would pass. It did. For some couples, it might not. It sounds like your roommate and his girlfriend are having some serious doubts about each other, which may or may not pass. No matter what, you’re stuck in a shitty situation until they either get over it or break up. Sorry.
A lot of immature females see getting engaged as a step in changing their boyfriends behavior. “Now that were engaged maybe he will start acting like I want him to.”
She may feel that since he has made a commitment to her he now has the obligation to start behaving accordingly.
While boyfriend is suddenly blindsided by this “Hey, your not my boyfriend any more, your my fiance’, start acting like it” the fighting comes into play.
And the guy’s have just as many expectations as the girls upon formal commitment.
It can be a really rocky time. They both sound scared shitless–which is a good thing, in my mind. It’s stressful to live with, but it should calm down–if it doesn’t–get outta there! Noone should have to listen to constant bickering like that.
The cell phone is over the top, but the jockeying for position and the role expectations are not.
Actually things calmed down quite a bit about 15 minutes after I wrote the OP. I’m not quite sure what happened, but I know they were both still here. Maybe they were just fighting so they could have make-up sex, I don’t know. I’ve known couples that have done that in the past.
But then again, I saw the two of them for a total of 3 minutes or so since last night. I think the chocolate chip cookies I made tonight helped; although most of those are going in my lunches for the rest of the week.
I’m not sure if it’s wedding stress, leftover holiday stress, or what. I have heard very little from them concerning wedding plans; aside from guy-roommate mentioning possibly getting married in the Carribean. And why not? After all, I’ve only got seven (!!!) other weddings to attend in the next year.
I will definitely NOT be living with them after they get married. I’ve found my cousin’s maxim to be quite true: “Often, your friends and your roommates are not the same people.”
As for the cell phone, she needed it, she didn’t know where it was, and he wasn’t sure where it was either. Of course, I’m not quite sure why she just didn’t call his cell phone and find it when it started ringing… but that would have been the logical solution, which is not these kids strong suit.
And no, I will never go furniture shopping with these two. In fact, I make it a general rule not to go furniture shopping at all unless absolutely necessary. Hell, I gave my parents ‘furniture money’ for Christmas specifically to avoid furniture shopping.
Take the Case Sensitive route: get engaged, and stay engaged - Missus Case and I have been engaged for seven years and one son now, and enjoy blissfully living in sin. We WILL get married, I swear, it’s just that stuff keeps getting in the way - her getting residence and emigrating to NZ, me moving back to NZ, Little Case getting born in the interim - things that required money kept cropping up, and we kept putting it off until things were “more settled”, and now things are more settled we find we’re still happy {this may have more to do with her powers of tolerance than my virtues as a husband} with the status quo, as compared with the stress and expense of arranging a wedding across three countries. If you prevaricate long enough, everyone learns to live with delayed gratification, and meanwhile you can spend the money you’ve saved on things like furniture and X-Boxes.
