It happened to me again...(relationship related, advice needed)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So at about 2:30 AM tonight, my girlfriend of about 4 months told me that she cheated on me a couple weeks ago with her most recent ex-boyfriend, whom she broke up with back in May. I appreciate the fact that she told me now, as oppossed to later, or maybe never, as was the case with my last GF, who cheated on me more times than I ever knew (I broke up with her after I learned about 1, there were several before then.)

Now, unlike before, I managed to get a reason or why she did it. It required some background info, so here goes:
About two years ago she was raped. I know very few details, as naturally she doesn’t like talking about it. All I know is that she was dating the guy she cheated on me with at the time, it happened in Spain, and wasn’t the boyfriend.

Now, she told me that since that happened, every time she has had sex was meaningless. Not intentionally, of course, she tried to make it mean something, but according to her, everytime she would look back on it it seemed like nothing more than sex. No emotion for her, she didn’t feel any closer to the guy at the time, or even after.

I was gone home for winter break. She was feeling depressed about some other things, and got into a conversation with her ex. Somehow, the rape came up, and the issues she’s had with sex since then, and I guess he said all the right things at the right time because she felt that since he was the last person who sex with had any meaning to, maybe it still could. So she had sex with him.

Now, this, to me, seems more like an excuse, not an explaination. She had almost two years to have sex with him after the incident to try and find meaning to it, and then, suddenly, eight months after she breaks up with him, and while dating someone else, she decides there might be meaning to it? I’m not buying it. I know that I can never understand what happened to her, it was a horrible thing, but this doesn’t sound right to me.

But the thing is, I do beleive that she loves me, or at the very least, cares a Hell of a lot more for me than my last GF. If she is telling the truth about this being the only time (which I beleive she is,) then many many times before she did it I truly felt like she cared for me and loved me. The way she said it, and physical signs, and the fact that although she told me several times she loved me and being with me, I never once said it back to her. I told her that I got attached to quickly in past relationships, and wasn’t going to let that happen with this one. She said she understood, and it seemed like she did.

So to me it almost seems like she did it because I don’t love her. She said it herself that the ex was the last person to love her like that. What makes me the most angry, is that she knew that just because I didn’t say I loved her, or felt a great deal of love for her, didn’t mean I didn’t care deeply about her, and didn’t want to be with her. Because I did care about her and did want to be with her, and in time I could have loved her. But now, she has ruined almost any chance of that. It was the stupiest thing she could have done. If she claims to lvoe me as much as she does, why would she wreck my chances of loving her back?
So I need to know what I should do. I know it’s my choice, and not knowing all the details it’s hard to give advice to a stranger about their love life, but I want to know if it’s worth salvaging? Have any other dopers gotten a good relationship after something like this happened? I’m just worried that if I do end it because of this, it could be the only reason to have ended it. I realize that’s confusing, but what I mean is, I don’t want to ruin the chance that we could be together for a long time, and not have any other reason in the future to end the relationship.

2

Lots of luck.

You are in the middle of an extremely complex situation. You can only guess what is going on. Anyone on the boards (including me) can only guess as well, and our guess will be worse than yours.

In general, one of the effects of being raped is that the relationship between sex and love gets screwed up, badly. What was connected, and a part of each other, can assume completely different relationships. Is she in therapy? Has she been in therapy? Has she worked through this effectively?

Something else that often happens is that the victim will test, without realizing why, future intimate relationships. The ultimate intimacy has been brutally violated. How can she trust any man? How can sex mean anything other than degradation?

Just how much is this worth to you, in terms of emotional commitment? From what you say, I can guarantee it will be an emotional roller coaster. Are you willing to stick to it, through an incredible series of ups and downs? To be hurt, hurt, and hurt again, as she works through what was done to her? If so, suggest that she go to therapy, and be willing to work through the therapy with her. Support her. Make no demands whatever, but be willing to be there for her. You will literally be her experimental platform for sex. You will have to let her use you to find out how sex and love are connected again. You will have to watch her come to you, thrust you away, go to others, betray you, come back again, all with the risk of watching her walk away when the process is done. Are you willing to risk that?

If you are not, then still suggest therapy, and walk away. Wish her well, pray for her, and walk away. Now. Right now. That kind of emotional malestorm can draw you in and hurt you. A lot. That kind of need is compelling.

All, of course, IMHO (that is the name of the board, after all). But if you go into it, go into it with the realization that you will be investing a lot, with little expectation of return. That is what love is. That is what giving is; not a deal, but a gift. Are you up to that? That is the question you need to ask yourself.

3

What keeps coming back to me about your story is that you’ve been dating for about 4 months. In my mind, that’s long enough to have gotten serious, and be at a reasonably strong level of trust and commitment. If she’s cheating on you at this point, then I think that says that she doesn’t feel that level of commitment.

My immediate opinion would be that if she’s cheating on you now with questionable excuses, she’ll continue to do so in the future and you should break it off completely.

If you do think there’s a future with this girl, my recommendation would be to scale back the relationship; restart it, essentially. She does get points for being honest about what she did, but it was an act of betrayal that requires some sort of drastic action if the two of you are to move beyond it. So you start over - not seeing each other every day, just going on dates, and NOT sleeping together (or, need it be said, with anyone else) for a while. This provides a clean break between the “relationship with bouv that she screwed up by cheating” and the “relationship with bouv that worked out.”

4

bouv - I tend to agree with the other posters. You have a complex situation on your hands, and you need to decide what you are prepared to invest and what you hope to get out of it.

My coaching is: When something is super complex, keep it simple. I like JerH’s advice - go back to square one, simple dating, and take it slow. Communicate. Talk about what you want and when you think you will be ready for it. If, after a while, you want to take it to the next level - more physical, more exclusive, using words like I love you, etc. - talk about it explicitly. It will be the only way you two can be clear about where you are at, and is the only way you can lay a foundation of honesty - so that if something happens, you can more easily tell if trust has been betrayed.

What she has gone through in her life may make it harder for her to communicate this clearly, but it up to you to decide if you will stick with it…

Good luck.

5
  1. What does SHE want to do?
  2. Do you love her?

If she wants to be with you, and you love her, then do it. Otherwise, don’t do it.

6

Sounds fishy to me. Did you know about the rape before she told you she cheated on you or at the same time? Sounds like she was depressed being alone during the holidays and wanted a booty call. Who initiated the conversation with her ex that lead to the cheating?

Best of luck. Trust your instincts.

7

You’re equating love and sex and she’s seeing them as two seperate issues. The difference between these two viewpoints is going to hurt this relationship.

As outsiders hearing only one side of this situation, none of us can tell you what to do. My best advice is to work on the communications between the two of you.

8

No, I knew pretty much as soon as I got into the relationship that she was raped, she did not invent that, and I don’t think it was a simple booty call. A booty call I would actually be less concerned about, because now she has basically told me there are still strong feelings for her ex. OK, that’s not too bad, I have feelings for my ex’s too, but in her scenario, she acted on these in the worst way possible short of flat out breaking up with me.

I don’t know who started talking with who, but I think she started it, but again, she says it was just about things in general, and somehow it led to the rape, and from there her issues with sex, I don’t know who brought those up or how it came up.

As to whether or not she loves me? I think she does. I’m still confused on this, because I can’t see how 99% of the time I do feel that she loves me, and then she goes and does something that, in my opinion, shows a clear lack of love and respect for me. I was on my way to loving her, I would say. I did care for her, and had strong feelings. Note I am am using the past tense here. It’s hard to get those feelings back after something like this happens. I want to try and work it out, but I pretty much have to start over, as JerH suggested.

Well, I let you know how it turns out.