I have this friend (more-then-friends), I feel very comfortable with her and I love spending time with her. A couple days ago I brought up her ex boyfriend. (why? cause I’m dumb). Her last boyfriend cheated on her a couple times and she doesn’t like talking about him, that right there should’ve stopped me from bringing it up. But it didn’t so I asked anyway. Apperently, she gave him a couple hand-jobs and his juice touched her hand on one occasion. I have no idea why this bothers me as much as it does. I was cool with the hand-jobs but when she mentioned the splooge, my heart like sank.
Anyway, on to the other thing. After the first time he cheated on her, she took him back. They went together for another 3 months before she found out that he was still cheating. Anyway, in those three months, they had sex. Now, me being worked up over that is just stupid. I didn’t even know her when all this was going on. She was dumb and in love so of course she had sex with him even after he cheated. But when I think about it, I kinda think twice about doing anything with her. Like, I don’t want to have sex with her. It’s just me being dumb.
So Dopers, I need help. Someone smack some sense into me. I like talking to her, I like listening to her, I like just being around her. She’s like no one I’ve ever met. I don’t want silly things like the splooge and the sex ruining our friendship. I need some sense smacked into me.
I don’t know how old you are or anything, but it sounds like you are not very comfortable talking/thinking about sex yet.
If it makes you uncomfortable to think about this young lady having sex or giving handjobs with/to some other guy then don’t talk about it.
I don’t really like to think of my girlfriend being intimate with other guys, but I know she has. It is a fact of life. If you are in a relationship you can pretty much assume that your partner has also been a couple of other relationships and that there has been some intimacy involved.
I actually don’t care that she had sex before. Its only the splooge and the sex-after-he-cheated-on-her thing that make me uncomfortable. Very very dumb things that really wouldn’t bother other people.
TeemingONE, dear, you are going to have to get over it. You are dwelling on the details, and I think you’d be best served by not asking for any details about her past boyfriends. Did she volunteer this information because she needed to talk, or did you press her for details?
I don’t know how old you are, but probably you need to get a grip on this because most people are going to have lovers in their past. Focus on you and her – not on her as part of another couple!
smacksmack Be a good boy and don’t dwell! Good luck.
Well, ‘splooge’ is kind of a part of sex more often than not, so I’m not 100% sure why that in particular is an issue. Let me smack some sense into you!
<i><b>thwack thwack thwack</b></i>
Seriously though, you’re right. It’s irrational, and it’s good that you see that. Basically, as others have said, you’ve just got to get over the fact that other people will probably have had ‘relations’ with people before you. It’s never a good thought to think of someone you like/love gettin’ it on with someone else, but you’ve just got to live with those thoughts; it’s not like your current girlfriend is out of the ordinary. You’ll run into this issue with many people, and it’s more likely to be the case the older you get.
Also, the fact that her previous boyfriend cheated on her is <i>not</i> her problem, or one that should concern you. The fact that she was cheated on was out of her control, and hopefully you can get over that particular hang-up.
<i><b>thwack thwack thwack</b></i>
teemingONE, you’ve learned a valuable lesson: don’t ask for details about a girlfriend’s past sexual experiences. Even though you don’t really know any more than you did before about her overall level of experience, knowing the details of specific events makes it easy to visualize her with other people and trigger irrational jealousy.
So don’t do it again. And as for the splooge and the post-cheating sex, give it time and you’ll get over it. No matter what she did before you, she’s with you now. If you break up over this, odds are the next person you’re with will have similar splooge and bad-idea-sex stories. (Although if you learned anything from this, you won’t know about them.)
I’m gonna take a stab in the dark here and say TeemingOne may possibly be a virgin. Only reason i’m saying this is I remember back when I was still a virgin and started a relation with a girl who had already done it. Before we got to the point where we did it I was always insanely jealous/mad/angry if she ever mentioned sex with another guy.
After we had done it, it pretty much passed but I still had this hang up about how she was the only one i’d ever been with while she had been with someone else.
Not until I moved onto a relation with someone else could I accept a girl having been with someone else.
Well, obviously Eonwe is worked up about this if he’s going to make eight coding mistakes in one post…
Not to get all cynical or nothing, but unless this girl ends up being the one you grow old with (huh–Freudian slip–the first thing I typed was "the one you grow up with… go figure…), you’re going to have another girlfriend some day. Chances are she, too, will have come into contact with spooge, as you call it.
Get over it. All part of the miracle of life, as they say on the Disney channel. Who knows. Maybe she even swallows.
Okay, so what is it that bothers you about the, er, splooge? (And really, if we can’t use the technical terms, couldn’t we at least find a less icky-sounding euphemism?) And what is it that bothers you about the sex-after-cheating that doesn’t bother you about the sex-before-cheating? You’re not going to have much luck getting past this if you don’t even know what it is you’re trying to get past.
I sat here, trying to think of good reasons to be bothered by these things, and I got nothing. I guess it could be the whole thinking about her doing stuff with other guys thing, but even that doesn’t completely fit. I was fine with the hand-jobs till she mentioned the splooge, and I was fine with the sex till she told me that she did it after he cheated on her.
I don’t want these things to bother me. I don’t wanna be holding her hand or something and then think about the splooge and let it go. I’m gonna look childish and just plain stupid.
And I guess the sex-after-cheating thing bothers me because I don’t like to think that she got used like that. I guess I’m not [emotion here] at her, but more like mad and angry at the guy that did that to her. Think it’ll help if I hit the guy?
I think I just need a real life smack. Or I just have to watch Chasing Amy.
You obviously like the girl a lot and my guess is that you have a romantic ideal of sweet moviestar love and lovemaking. It ain’t like that - splooge happens!
It could be that you think getting ‘splooge’ on her was somehow demeaning? Likewise sleeping with him after he’d cheated on her. You’d probably be right about the latter, but I’m telling you know that hitting the guy won’t make you feel any better (or her, probably).
It sounds like you’re starting out in the rollercoaster world of sex and love (speaks the wise old 31 yr old) and you’ll have to come to terms with these kinds of issues. I second **Hampshire ** here when he says that over time, as you get more and varied experiences, some things just cease to be so relevant.
), and I think it’s best that you learn to as well.