Sorry for the strong language but I’ve had a rough summer. In June a cyst in my groin went insane very quickly and I was hospitalized for a week to treat the flesh eating bacteria that developed. All the doctors asked “Where did you pick that up?!” and I was like, “I don’t know. Western Beef? Dollar Tree?” I’m an old suburban housewife who hasn’t even taken a vacation in 3 years, who the fuck knows were I got it from?
Learned quite a few things about myself during this time. Firstly, it would be a lot easier for me to be a porn star than I thought. I got very used to dropping my pants and drawers, laying down, slightly spreading, and letting perfect strangers take pictures with their cellphones. Some times they’d take a pen and magic marker and draw all over my lower lady parts. I let them. You know, for better highlighted pictures. For a good three weeks after surgery, many strange people upon first seeing me laid out spread-eagle would express amazement on how big my hole was. I wish I was kidding.
Other things I learned ‘incidentally’ because of this hospital stay: My veins are good for 20 hours at most before they blow out. Not good when the whole point of my week long hospital stay was to pour antibiotics into me non-stop. Related, I learned that they will stick an IV drip ANY FUCKING WHERE!!! I have one tiny, little kidney-- apparently it’s genetic. I’m slowly killing myself by cheaping out and buying masks and not a respirator for my workshop toodlings. As a matter of fact, everything casually glanced at in my body while taking really hardcore shots of the insides of my crotch was just not. . . right. I was not right in my insides at all. I wish I was kidding.
Because of all these ‘incidentals’ I have spent a very, very, (veryveryvery, VERY) large part of this summer going to many different doctor’s offices and having many different tests done.
The score so far:
Uterus-- pre-cancerous. Gotta go.
Left breast-- One pre-cancerous spot. Gotta go. Perhaps I get to keep the other titanium chip (they put two in a biopsy procedure that they assured me was painless. What a bunch of fucking liars.) I would like that. The one good thing that has come out of this summer would be if I could keep one titanium tit.
Bones-- Don’t I wish I knew! 4 months of testing and so far I’ve got “probably not cancerous”. I wish I was kidding. This means more panic attacks at the MRI place and a visit to the hematologist.
Lumbar-- Scoliosis, one ruptured disc, one bulging disc, arthritis.
Thoracic-- I don’t know! I cried like a pussy ass bitch inside the MRI machine today because I was GOING TO DIE LOCKED INTO THAT MOTHERFUCKER EXACTLY AS IF I WAS IN A LOUDLY DRUMMING COFFIN!!
It was the MRI panic attack today that prompted this thread. I felt so dumb and stupid for freaking out but I knew I couldn’t go back in there. And here I am. Angry and afraid. And seriously, what the fuck is up with all this pre-cancer shit? Will Tom Cruise show up at my house to preemptively kill me? I do not want to go back to the MRI place. I kinda feel like maybe the pre-cancer would be better. I wish I was kidding.
1st–get Valium for the MRI and cat scans. They will prescribe it. They’ll say take one. No, girl take 2. If they wanna look at my hangnail I ask for Valium.
2. Don’t feel like a wimpy butt for having a panic attack. I had one last Thursday cause my PICC line had to be re-upped. In the middle of the attack I fell, cracked my noggin on a counter. 2 stitches. Hey, shit happens.
3. Titanium Tit!! Cool!! I want one.
Good luck, Biggirl. Fight the good fight!!
Any music would work if I could hear it. I pleaded for louder music again and again. I was told when I was finally fished out that the music was as loud as it would go.
I’m not a sedative taker usually but was given one a long time ago when I was having surgery with a local. Doc did this routinely. I remember how every thing was. . . just. . . fine. Really. . . groovy. Will that be strong enough to overcome the shoulders-caught-in-a-deathtrap-coffin feeling? I guess I’ll have to find out.
Also— But is your kidney really tiny? (Look, don’t take this one thing away from me!).
I’m sure you got me beat:). Doc said my left kidney curled funny and was a ‘bit’ smaller. The Valium works. I promise, you won’t give a crap what’s happening.
Well, that’s pretty fucked up Biggirl. I’m sorry you have to put up with all of this. I’m claustrophobic myself so I completely sympathize with the MRI freakout. My understanding is that it is very common, so definitely nothing for you to get mad at yourself for. But mad at the universe for making your life more complicated works fine IMO :). Try some sedatives and give it another go, but only after you’ve had a chance to take metaphorical breath of fresh air if that is at all possible. Like maybe not tomorrow if you can.
Girl…you’ve had a rough summer. That MRI was the straw that broke the camel’s back. You get a mulligan for having been such a goddamn fucking ROCKSTAR through all the other stuff.
Lots of people get freaked at MRIs. Lots of people get freaked after aaaaalll that stuff you went through. Maybe if it wasn’t the MRI it would have been like, the grocery store being out of your regular type of peanut butter, yaknow?
Keep us updated on all of this mess. I’m rooting for you!
Anybody who’s been through an MRI can understand why you freaked out. The last one I had, I honestly thought I might go insane. Damned near started screaming, and I’d had MRI’s before. I asked the tech for some kind of sedative before the procedure because I was already on edge from the cancer diagnosis. He said I should’ve asked my doc when they scheduled the MRI. Next time for sure.
You got a shitload of bad and unsettling news this summer on top of unpleasant tests and gawking medical personnel, not to mention the whole cyst nightmare. You get a medal for putting one foot in front of the other.
My DH is a big brave man who is pretty much afraid of nothing, but he will not do MRIs. Not. Doing. That. So don’t feel “dumb and stupid”. Like someone else said, it was bad stuff ON TOP of bad stuff. And if you do decide to do valium for an MRI make sure to see how you react to valium in general. DH said the valium was not good for him and I have heard that from other people. So try it out first.
And as already noted, you write great rants. Please keep us up to date on the progress of your no good very bad time because we like hearing what you have to say and how you say it.
11/10 on the rant, and a dozen cookies as a prize. Hugs as well.
If you are going to be getting a ton of bloodwork and IV work, ask them if they would put in a port? I have one and it is amazing - my veins would have been trashed by all the IVs I would have otherwise had for the past 18 months! A dab of Emla cream [lidocaine/prilocaine goo for numbing stuff] and they can jam a needle right into the port and I don’t feel a damn thing except the pressure of something pressing on my chest. Especially if there is a chance of cancer and chemo …
I don’t have anxiety issues other than for dentistry, but go for the valium, it works!
[I got used as a training aid for independent duty corpsmen back in 95 when I had surgery, and have been used as a pelvic exam training aid as well … I have absolutely no modesty left at all by this point in time =) ]
Biggirl, I have a PICC line installed for infusions and antibiotics. Don’t get me wrong, I hate the damn thing. But it has saved me many pokes. I can see where it could help you out. Once it’s in place it’s just a matter of keeping it dry and flushed.
Reschedule the MRI with some type of anxiety medication and follow through on what you need to do to make sure you stay healthy. It sounds like all the emotions you had been feeling kind of hit you at once, it’s understandable.
Ouch! I’d say you have tits of titanium just for enduring all that bullshit with your sanity intact! I had one of those hell cysts luckily (?) it was in my armpit so it was a loooooooooot less embarrassing!
Is there any way you could go to a place that has “open MRI” next time you need one?
Anyway it’s good that you can laugh about everything.
So does “pre-cancerous” in the breast mean DCIS or something else? Am I reading correctly that the area is large enough or the position is such that a mastectomy is being recommended?
Next time for sure.