It really can happen to anyone - unexpected infidelity.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Wow.

We have two friends, let’s call them Ted and Alice. They are two of our best friends. We never knew either of them when they were single; they’ve always been Ted and Alice to us. Not only that, but everyone we know agrees that they are one of the most perfect-for-each-other couples they’ve ever seen. They are always happy, both of them are extremely easygoing, and they just seem, in general, more together and compatible than just about anyone you’re likely to meet.

Alice is from Australia, Ted is an American. They met when Alice was in the US at grad school, and when she finished she got a good job in Australia and they both moved there. Not long after, Ted also got a great job in a related field, working for the same organization as Alice. This was in a field of employment where there were very few jobs, and where a couple getting to work in the same city, let alone the same organization, can be really difficult. Everything was going swimmingly, and last year they finally saved up enough to by a house in Sydney.

For the last five weeks, Alice has been on a work-related trip to the United States. The last leg of her journey is a week here in San Diego to visit with us, and with another set of mutual friends. She was due to fly in today from the east coast, and we were looking forward to seeing her tomorrow at the mutual friends’ house.

Then today i get an email from her. Turns out that she flew in on Wednesday, two days early.

The reason she came early is that Ted called her on Tuesday to tell her that he’s met another woman, has been having an affair with her while Alice has been in the US, and has decided to leave Alice for the new woman. Alice has been at our mutual friends’ place since Wednesday, just recovering from the shock.

Holy shit!

I realize that this sort of thing happens all the time. I even realize that it sometimes happens to couples that seem happy. But this was not just a couple that seemed happy; this was the one couple in the whole world who, if i had to stake my life on it, i would never have predicted something like this would happen. My wife and i were absolutely stunned and in denial when we first read the email; we even thought it might be a hoax or something. We called her at our mutual friends’ house, and she confirmed that it was no belated April Fools joke.

We don’t have the whole story yet. Understandably, she’s not especially keen to rehash every detail right now. We’ll see her over the weekend and next week, and if she wants to talk about it, she will.

My wife and i have been saying to each other all evening, “I still can’t believe what Ted did.” “Me neither.”

Anyway, possibly not very interesting stuff. It just amazed me so much because of how unexpected it was. If Alice’s reaction is any indication, she never saw this coming at all, and it was as much of a lightning bolt for her as for us. Jesus. It really can happen to anyone.

2

In the real world
As in dreams
Nothing is ever
Quite what it seems.
From the Book of Counted Sorrows

3

Maybe Ted had one of those existential mid-life crisis thingies. “And you may tell yourself, This is not my beautiful house! And you may tell yourself, this is not my beautiful wife!”

You can never really know another person, I’m guesing, because half the time that other person doesn’t know himself either.

4

This happened to a couple we know too, and we were similarly gobsmacked.

5

I remember Edna Mode from The Incredibles* saying “Men at Robert’s age are often unstable… prone to weakness.” You think that’s true?

*A movie all about mid-life crisis. And Randism, but that’s neither here nor there.

6

I adore that movie! A family friend of ours went a bit mad around 45. Left his wife and four school-age kids to play house with a twenty-something girl he’d met at work. It lasted about 6 months before he came crawling home. His wife took him back and they’ve been together since, and that was at least 10 years ago. You can really never know what’s going on in someone’s head, or their relationships.

7

Ellen Glasgow (Plulitzer Prize-winning author) seemed to think so. The men in her stories are often portrayed almost as lesser beings, weak and unknowing. Some of those stories might be a comfort to mhendo’s friend (but probably not right now).

One of my best friends shocked me when she told me she was leaving her husband, that he’d had affairs for years and she’d finally had enough. She’s very happily (I think!) remarried now.

8

My very dependable, button down b-i-l turned 45 and got a huge (12" high) tattooo of the Virgin of Guadalupe on his calf. My sister has always said that as midlife crises go she feels as if she won the lottery. It was expensive, but far less expensive than a car or a facelift, and didn’t really impact her in any way except that she thinks his leg looks like a giant grocery store prayer candle.

Through a trade organization I’m acquainted with a couple who’ve been married for a number of years. I’ve gleaned from conversations through the years that she had been married before, but divorced the philandering bastard when their babies were tiny and 2nd husband was great and took fantastic care of her and raised the babies as if they were his own and …I’ve been a guest in their home (which is beautifully appointed and decorated) and listened to them talk to eachother affectionately and noticed caring gestures.

last month I went to a meeting and noticing they weren’t there asked “Hey, where are Phil and Fran?” Well, it turns out that Fran went to her high school reunion where her dormant passion for her HS sweetheart (who, I now understand, was the philandering first husband) was rekindled in the course of a single dance. She packed a bag that weekend, and moved with husband number 1 to another state, leaving Phil at home with the dog…to care for HER mother, who lives with them (him).

I just wonder how long it will take (if it hasn’t happened yet) for her to think “Hey, I remember why I divorced this jackass. This was a HUGE mistake.” and if she does will she try and come back to Phil?
I’m sorry your friends are going through this.

9

This is the perfect attitude to have for your friend.

I was on the other side of the situation once – I did something incredibly stupid a long time ago that almost ended my marriage. Ironically enough, I did it because I didn’t want to leave him.

I actually contacted a couple we were fairly close with and asked them to ‘be there for him.’ I told them if it meant dropping me as a friend to make him comfortable, so be it. He needed them more.

I’m convinced having someone who understood what was going on, who let him vent but also let him be and just did normal stuff with him is how he got through it so well. We were eventually able to get past it, but even if we hadn’t I know he would be in a better place because of those friends.

10

How long were they together? Some of the sleaziest, most conniving people I’ve ever known managed to seem like wonderful people for a year or two.

11

Well, he’s in his early 40s, so i guess he’s the perfect age for that.

For us, this won’t be a big issue, at least on a day-to-day basis. We live 8000 miles away, so we’re not going to have to choose which one of them to invite when we go out for drinks or have a barbecue.

The thing is, right now i don’t really feel like talking to Ted at all, even though i consider him one of my two or three best friends. As i said, we’ve only ever known them as a couple, so we know and like them both equally. We never even imagined the possibiity of having to choose between them, or see them separately.

I’ve known them for nine years, and they had been together for two or three years when we met. They’ve been married for over seven years.

12

Yikes. That’s too bad.

13

I have a friend who had something similar happen to him.

He met, fell in love and married a woman with a young son (the sons father was not in the boys life at all) and despite my friend never wanting kids, he raised this boy as his own and was a great step-dad, really bonding with him. After a several years, he found out his wife was cheating on him, and though he left her, he still wanted to act as a father to her son, which she would not allow.

Last I heard, she was moving around the country, from relationship to relationship, dragging her kid along for the ride…

I think that Fran deserves what she will certainly get in the end, after her first husband goes back to his old tricks, but both Phil and those kids sure deserve better!!!

14

I have a friend whose story starts out like that. He married a lady with a young son and my friend adopted the boy. Later when the lady had an affair (and did some other egregious stuff) my friend divorced her and gained custody of the kid. He went on to raise the boy and is now putting him through college. :slight_smile:

15

Sounds like your friend is one hell of a stand-up guy!!!

In my buddies case, there was never a formal adoption, so I dont think he has much of a legal leg to stand on. (I know he bought his (ex) step-son some gifts for Christmas and was not allowed to give them—And this is not an attempt by my friend to try and keep in contact with his ex-wife; he has found a beautiful new woman to be with and is very happy with her, he just grew to love his step-son and wanted to be in his life, as he is the only father figure the boy has ever known)

16

Saw Alice today. Had dinner with her and our friends.

She seems to be holding up pretty well, and seems determined to move on quickly and get her life together. She says that she doesn’t even really feel angry at Ted right now; she’s just lost all respect for him. I’m sure the real anger will probably come at some stage, though.

The biggest immediate hassle is going to be dealing with the financial stuff. As i said, they bought a house just over a year ago, and at the moment neither of them could afford to buy the other out, or to keep up the mortgage payments alone.

He’s apparently going to be out of the house when she gets home next week, although it’s not clear exactly where he’ll be. Apparently he is not going to move in with the new woman until he and Alice have sorted out their stuff. It’s all a bit of a mess.

17

Not necessarily, I lost all respect for a boyfriend of mine (100 to 0 in 1 seconds) and, while I do know that he’s a git and will describe him in that fashion, I’ve never been really angry about any of it. Mystified that I could be so stupid, yes; angry, no.

18

It is amazing how common this kind of thing is. A friend of mine since high school, about 10 years ago, rang me for advice. Work circumstances had caused him to spend lots of time on trips with a workmate who, he discovered, was the woman of his dreams. If only he had met her years ago before he married. She was so much fun, so lively, so intelligent. They had the same interests and values so surely he should leave his wife for her?

I pointed out to him that I knew that he had met the woman of his dreams because I was at their wedding. I reminded him what a livewire his wife had been prior to becoming mother to all his kids, homemaker for his home, committee member for various social causes. And she still, as far as could tell from holidays together, was fucking him regularly.

I told him that while it may be true that he had married the lesser of two choices he should make the most of it because the odds of a second serious relationship lasting are far worse than for the first one. It’s just standard daydreaming for married people - to be swept off their feet by the man/woman of their dreams. The adolescent nature of the thought processes is the giveaway.

He came to his senses and has told me a few times since that if we hadn’t talked or I hadn’t been so forthright he would have left his wife. He is thankful that he didn’t. I think that is a lot of what happens to people - they get caught up in their little fantasy bubble and don’t seriously address it with anyone until they have already gone too far.

19

Hasn’t Woody Allen devoted quite a few of his movies to this very phenomenon? And life imitates art . . .

20

That is true. I am brutally realistic about any type of romantic relationship to the point of being skeptical or even cynical when people present theirs as being too good to be true in my experience. Lots of couples are just really good actors and those are the ones to watch out for. The stuff both males and females in any type of relationship tell me makes my head spin sometimes.