… Allah is up there, shaking his head slowly, with a sad expression on this face. Looking down upon the burning of The Big City (with apologies to Nostradamus), absolutely mystified as to what that action would acheive. Not to mention kinda pissed about how the subsequent fall on Wall Street is going to screw up his stock portfolio.
The Grunts (alledged terrorists, whatever) that were doing the bidding of their idol are probably waiting in a queue to enter the Pearly Gates of Islam - possibly like the Pearly Gates St. Peter is in charge of, only covered in squiggles - thinking ‘i’ve struck a blow against those Western infidels … this is gonna get me a harem of nubile 18 year olds the size of a football stadium!’.
As they proceed to the front of the line, through several metal detectors and X-ray machines, the clerk at the counter would pull up their file on their sand-coloured iMac<tm> and look over it.
C: “hmm … ok … you’re x amount of years old, you died on September 11, and … you were flying a plane at the time?”
AT: “yes, oh holy clerk type dude, for we were working for the good of Allah!”
C: “and where did you crash, exactly?”
AT: “some cursed city of evil named New York. I blew up their tallest building, crushing thousands of American scum pig-dogs in the process! I’m actually quite proud of myself, I mean, I passed my flying test in a Cessna, I was always a little unsure as to whether or not i’d have problems with hideously overgrown behemoth such as a 767 …”
C: “would you excuse me for a moment please, Sir?”
Holy Clerk Type Dude goes into the back office to speak with his manager.
C: “Excuse me Sir, there’s a guy here that crashed a plane and claims to have killed thousands of infidels in the process … how do we process him?”
S: “Is it in the procedure manual?”
C: “Hmm … i’ll have a look” … HCTD flips through his copy of ‘The Quran for Dummies’ … nope, not here …"
S: “Hold on - Allah sent out an e-mail about these guys … hmm … let’s look at my new e-mails … ok, I may already be a millionaire, Bill Gates will give me USD$10,000 if I send this e-mail to 5 friends … ok, here we go … mmm … according to this e-mail, Allah says that these people are responsible for the biggest PR cockup Islam as faced since that Satanic Verses thing … they can’t come in. That is Allah’s will.”
C: “Excuse me Sir … Sirs … I can’t process your entry here. Allah is not happy. Sorry!”
AT: “WHAT??? I DEMAND TO TALK TO YOUR MANAGER, YOU TRUMPED UP LITTLE SON OF A BITCH CAMEL F…ING NAZI!! I KILL YOU AND EAT YOUR CHILDREN!”
C: “Well, uhh … i’m already dead … but …”
AT: “SILENCE! YOU GET ALLAH HERE OR I CHOP YOU HAND OFF!!! ALHLHLHLHLHLHLHLHLHLHHLAAAAAAAAA!!!”
C: “Excuse me …”
HCTD to Supervisor:
C: “Excuse me, those dudes that crashed those planes … they’re going postal and scaring the crap out of everyone in the waiting room … they’re demanding to see Allah!”
S: “That’s not possible … Allah left early for the day to play a round of golf with Buddha. Jesus is caddying for them … he’s a good caddy, and an excellent caterer too …”
The room is momentarily silent whilst Supervisor keeps reading his e-mail.
S: “Ummm … erm … there’s another e-mail from Allah … it says that anyone who is somehow connected with Bin Laden is to be processed specially and placed in a special section … are these guys connected with this Bin Laden dude?”
C: “I think so … but i’d better check …”
C: “Thanks for waiting, Sirs -”
AT: “ALHLHLHLHLHLHLHHLLHLHAAAAAAA!!! YOU DIE!!!”
C: “Please calm down, i’ve been given some info-”
AT: “ALHLHLHLHLHLHLHLHLHLHLHAAAAAAAA!!!”
C: “RIGHT! SHUT THE F…K UP! I’M SICK OF WORKING HERE, BUSTING MY BALLS TO SERVE UNGRATEFUL ASSHOLES LIKE YOU! I’M TRYING TO HELP YOU, YOU DICK!”
AT: “ALHLHLHLHLHLHAAAA - huh?”
C: “Sorry, it’s this new medication … gives me mood swings … anyway … I can let you into our community here, I just need to confirm some details …”
AT: “Oh. OK then … shoot!”
<AT’s giggle amongst themselves. A couple of the other people in the waiting room smirk at this remark>
C: “Alrighty … so, you crashed a plane into a building … why did you do that?”
AT: “Because our boss told us that Allah had wanted us to do that for him, because Allah was kinda cheesed that Americans were dissing our faith by hanging out in Saudi Arabia …”
C: “Who is your boss?”
AT: “Never met the man, he’s a quite fellow. His neighbours say that he generally keeps to him self … I think he name is Osama something … Osama Bin Liner?”
C: “Bin Laden?”
AT: “Yeah, that’s it! His handwriting is terrible. It all looks English to me …”
C: “I see … well, we HAVE been expecting you, and Allah has given orders that you be given special treatment … come this way please, Sirs …”
<AT’s are all jumping around like schoolboys, thinking about their sweet life, with a harem that resembles a cross between the audience of an N*SYNC concert and a llama sanctuary>
C: “OK, here we are, room 911 … enjoy!”. Click. The door behind the ATs is locked.
There is another person in the room, a weedy gentleman with glasses and a moustache, wearing a green sweater…
“Hi diddly ho, hijackerinos! The handle’s Flanders, but you can call me Neddy!”
“ALHLHLHLHLHLHLHLHLHLHHLHLHLHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”
It’s the 19th hole at the Heaven Hills Golf Course. Buddha, Allah and Jesus were enjoying a brewski.
A: “nice hole in one on the 16th, Buddha.”
B: “Cheers, mate. I’ve been working hard to bring my handicap down…”
Allah’s pager goes off
A: “Excuse me …”
Allah looks at his pager as it reads “Bin Laden boys processed as per e-mail”. He smiles to himself.
J: “What’s so funny, A-Man?”
A: “Heh heh heh … those bastards that blew up the WTC have just checked in … I hope they like their room … heh heh heh …”
J: “Thanks for taking Ned Flanders off our hands, he’s just too damn preachy …”
Disclaimer: I’m not dissing anyone’s beliefs. Nor am I being disrespectful to the victims (may they rest in peace). It’s just that political correctness starts to grate after a while, and I think that laughter is conducive to healing. I love all people of all religious backgrounds. With the possible exception of Jehovah’s Witnesses.
