Possible ONION Headlines (Warning: WTC Humor)

My friend and I were discussing what we thought the ONION was going to post this week. They’re legendary for never holding back, and for incisively finding the sometimes-unpopular insight behind our tragedies.

Examples: “Columbine Declared Safe For Bullying Again” and “McVeigh’s Execution Brings Oklahoma Bombing Victims Back To Life”.

But Tuesday’s events represent a new challenge for them, a tragedy of unprecedented proportion (in the USA). Will they say something funny? Of course they will. Their whole raison d’etre is to use humor as commentary, and as members of a free society they can. And many of us will read it, including me.

But is it tasteless? I don’t think so. For many humor, wry and dry and bittersweet as it is, is a valid coping mechanism. Some may find WTC jokes offensive (as many of us found NASA Challenger jokes offensive) but I think humor is a way for us to look at ourselves, redefine what remains of us, and explore how we’ve been changed. So. To those who think this thread is wrong to exist, please do not read further. I truly intend no harm or aggression against anyone’s suffering. There are many other threads in which to discuss the serious side of this event, and I have spent much time there and found great discussion.

For others, I invite you to use or add to this thread in the way that you find most helpful, to be creative in a weird but therapeutic sense, to look at this all askance just for a moment because I for one need a break from looking at it directly—it’s just too big.

Incidentally, many of the following were inspred by SD thread comments in other threads.
Our suggestions for ONION headlines:
Trump Offers to Replace WTC with Big Statue of Self

Guliani Declares Permanent State of Emergency
“Street Crime Eliminated” Mayor Boasts

New WTC to be Giant, Armed Adamantium Robot

Japanese-Americans to Be “Interned” Immediately

Class Action Suit Filed Against Box Cutter Manufacturer
“Irresponsible Weapons Dealers,” Say Grieving Families, Johnny Cochran

NYC Rats, Cockroaches Celebrate “Victory Over Humanoid Oppressors”

Pentagon Vows to Build New, Bigger Hexagon

Manhattan Condo Owners Sue over “Rubble Eyesore”

FAA To Replace Jets with Big, Harmless Gliders

Esopus Indians Claim Responsibility For NYC Attack
Dutch Treaty of 1640 “Invalid” Say Terrorists

America’s Symbols of Military, Economic Power Attacked
Symbols of Doughnut Consumption, String Collecting Miraculously Untouched

Bush Declares Sep 11 “A Day That Will Live In Imfany”

CBS To Award Last WTC Survivor $1 Million,
Final Elimination Round Approaches

Nations’s Tragedy Metaphor Reserves Depleted

You sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, SICK man!

In AD 2001, War Was Beginning
“Somebody set us up the bomb.” - Colin Powell
[sub]“Move ‘Nuke’.” - President Bush, “For great justice.”[/sub]

Boy, are you going to get torn to shreds for this. However, THIS:

Hilarious. I’m sorry, it is. It’s hilarious. However, it wouldn’t make a good lead story, because you can’t really go anywhere with it for 400 words. It would be a good sidebar one-liner. A much better lead story would be the Trump statue one, because you could have a picture of a 1500-foot Trump statue towering over Manhattan.

But that said, WILL The Onion use this for a laugh? The Wednesday Onion didn’t have anything in it, but maybe that’s too soon. I’ll almost be disappointed in them if they decide not to, because they’re funny because they have no shame, but this might be too much for them - they’re in the process right now of expanding their distribution of the paper Onion to New York newsstands. Making fun of the WTC disaster is not a good marketing ploy right now.

I think they should wait two, maybe three weeks. THEN run something like

The current Onion Web site is dated Sept. 12, and no mention of anything WTC related. The main story is a satire on the obsession with politicians’ sex lives.

Next Wednesday or Thursday (or whatever day they update nowadays) may be different, however.

I just hold out hope I’ll hear from my mentor T. Herman Zweibel again someday…

I’m sorry, Ashtar, that you think I’m a sick, sick, man. I tried to explain in the OP what I was getting at, but I guess you don’t agree. This is not an aggression against the grieving of others, it’s just a coping mechanism that works for me–and apparently works for a few others as well. I like to think of MPSIMS as a safe place to talk about this. It’s not a flame, or a mercenary attempt to profit from tragedy, just a weird way to go about dealing with it one week afterwards.


RickJay, thanks for the support. And I hope I don’t get torn to shreds for this. I thought about registering a new username for the OP, but what the hell. This is the sick, sick me.

Um, read the rest of Ashtar’s thread, dear.
Osama Bin Laden Discards Plan to Terrorize the US-Says Britney Spears is Terror Enough

Zoiks, I missed that part of Ashtar’s comment. I thought it was a sig!

(smacks self on head.)

My apologies. Still awaiting the pogrom, I guess.

Methinks Karellen’s been whooshed ! :smiley:
WTC attacks, Italy surrenders !

Pakistan Pledges Unconditional Support For NYC Taxi Drivers
Union “Stands United” For Deaths, Loss of Business

someone please tell me that powell actually said this. that would be so funny.

World Trade Center Reconstruction: Bin Laden is Leading Bidder

[sub]Read his profile to see where this came from.

[ul]“We will get Asthma,” Bush vows.[/ul]

Investigators Suspect Bin Laden Recipient of Large “Donation” by Gary Condit

I feel the same way you do there Karellen, me and my freinds have been making bad jokes all week… we’re always courteous not to make them in public however…

WTC insurance company mysteriously dissapears

New BASE jumping fad short lived

Hijackers vow to put “Student driver” signs on planes in future

Occult Numerology Connection Investigated, “Number Eleven” Arrested
Famed Sesame Street Character Protests Innocence

Terrorists trained using Microsoft Flight Simulator - Bill Gates arrested.

These jokes, tasteless or not, had me rolling. I wish I were witty enough to come up with one.

Just thought I’d throw in my $0.02 before the Mods decide to close this thread.


[sub]P.S. Crimes against Afghans rise 9000% in U.S. – “It’s quilts or nothing,” opines one patriotic American.[/sub]

All Your Terrorist Base Are Belong To Us

I know it’s been hammered into the ground already but I just can’t wait until we can say

Greetings bin Laden, All your base are belong to us!

McDonalds Accused of Harboring Terrorists
Grimace was most assuredly involved in the WTC attacks!

WTC Attack NOT Terrorist Bombing, Just The New Jerry Bruckheimer Film
Bruckheimer sez: “I was trying to go for realism in my remake of Airplane!

Cindy Crawford Donates Seventeen Tons Of Lipstick To WTC Rescue Workers
Supermodel expresses concern over workers’ lips possibly losing their glossy shine after 18 hours of emergency laboring.

Advocacy Groups Blame Popular Games Quake, Duke Nuke’em For WTC Attacks
“Hey, we’ve blamed games for all of society’s other ills,” spokeswoman says. “Why not this one?”