CIA Denies Training Bin Laden in 1980
30$ Million, Weapons “just a loan”
Bush Promises Return to Normalcy, Ignorance
Dozens Arrested in Bootleg Flag Scam
Hollywood FX Specialists To Make “Virtual WTC”
110-Story Hologram Will Have Offices, Shops
Skyscraper Staircases To Be Replaced With Teflon-Coated Tornado Slides
South Manhattan Condos Prices Up
“Unobstructed View” Cited
Poetic, 975-Page Muslim Extremist Training Manual Found
Warrant Issued For Author “Mohammed”
**Florida Stores Cited for Stars and Stripes Panties “Price Gouging”
Idaho Man Arrested for Shooting Korean Shopkeeper
“He was the closest I could find” suspect tells police
Canada Warns Iceland: Countries that Help the United States Attack Will Lose Cod Fishing Rights
Nuclear Weapons Not an Option, But Boy Would It Be Fun, Powell Tells Press
Arafat Puts On Dress, Offers Bush Gay Sex, Offers Both Kidneys to WTC Survivors, Gadaffi Might Join
“We want to do all we can to show America we had nothing to do with this,” Palestinian, Libyan leaders contend
Afghan Cave Owners Arrested, Shot in Stadium for Rent Gouging
Robbie Kneivel Cancels WTC Jump
“Not appropriate at this time” says spokesman for stuntman**
New ad compaign for Delta: “Our planes are never used as missles!”
Oh yeah - where does this “all your base are belong to us!” come from, anyway?
What about
CNN Victorious
Attacks Linked to Major League Baseball; FBI Explores “Stop The Damn Yankees” Angle
"Mr. Powell Is The Boss Of Me," Admits Bush
New York, Washington Attacked; France Surrenders To Germany
This thread was just what I needed.
I’d contribute, but my wit isn’t up to par.
Aviation rethink: Bush suggests alternate flight paths.
Well, according to this, they won’t be publishing new stuff this week. I’m sure they’ll get around to it eventually…
[sub]WTC bombed; long sought-after second campus-center TV materializes ‘out of thin air’[/sub]
(I’m not bitter)
“No Psychics Killed In WTC Bombing”
Sylvia Brown bragged that no pychics were killed last week in the WTC attacks, hinting that they were smart enough to stay away.
When it was pointed out that no psychics worked there, Sylvia said, “That’s because they knew they shouldn’t work there”.
Sylvia said that no psychics were killed at the Pentagon either.
A badly-translated-into-English Japanese-made video game.
Government, Developers Agree: Seize Opportunity and Build Galaxy Trade Center
Bush mobilizes star fleet; conquest of galaxy slated to begin in January
**AVERAGE MAJOR LEAGUE SOCCER ATTENDANCE DROPS BY 100 FANS PER GAME THIS WEEKEND AFTER GAMES ARE CANCELLED
HIJACK SUSPECT, FORMER STOCK BOY, WAS A “TEAM PLAYER”, HOME DEPOT MANAGER SAYS
“He sure could open those boxes!” recall fellow employees
AFGHANISTAN REMEMBERS THE GOOD OLD DAYS: 1980
FACE OF ALIYAAH SEEN IN WTC SMOKE: PICTURES INSIDE
WTC RUBBLE AND GARBAGE DUMPED AT OBVIOUS SPOT: NORTHERN NEW JERSEY
DEMOLITION WORKERS UNION FILES SUIT AGAINST TERRORISTS
“They are trying to put families out of work!” union head says
MAYOR GUILIANI MOVES HAREM INTO GRACIE MANSION
Public willing to ignore the Mayors amorous activities in wake of leadership
AL GORE BREATHES A SIGH OF RELIEF
“Maybe that one vote wasn’t needed after all!” Almost President says
SPECIAL AGENT MARTIN JONES IN SOLO EFFORT TO FIND CHANDRA LEVY
“He’s a one man team” prasies FBI Director
KABUL 2012 OLYMPIC BID IN JEOPARDY
“Baghdad might be a more suitable site” IOC says
INTERNET STOCKS CRASH FROM 50 CENTS TO 20 CENTS A SHARE
BRAZIL: USING OUR AIRSPACE FOR ATTACKS NOT A VIABLE OPTION AT THIS TIME
South American country fearful of Taliban reprisals
**
DAVID COPPERFIELD CANCELS TV WTC DISAPPEARENCE SPECIAL
“Would not have been in good taste to go on,” says CBS spokesman
VALUE JET NAMED #1 IN AIR SAFETY
KABUL STOCK MARKET CRASHES
Goats go from 3 to 1 bushels in hours
OSAMA BIN LADEN MAKES DEMANDS IN HAND OVER TO AMERICANS
Private jet to New York one of them, Americans reject offer
TARGETED NEANDERTHALS SAY THEY DON’T SUPPORT TERRORISTS
“Just because we live in caves does not mean we should be threatened,” says spokesman
DEVIL WORSHIPPERS HOLD PRAYER VIGIL FOR WTC VICTIMS
“This is obviously an Act of God” says minister
WTC bombed: ABC Movie of the Week now in production.
AFGHAN TERRORISTS TO BLAME: Bush quoted “Anyone who would frighten handmade blankets is capable of anything.”
Gary Condit Speaks Out “You Know everybody was calling me a bad guy and I only killed ONE person!”
POWELL: WE MAY NEED TO DEAL WITH “UNSAVORY” CHARACTERS TO CATCH TERRORISTS
Eminem steps forward to help
RESCUE WORKERS REJECT BRONX ZOO ELEPHANTS AS SEARCH ANIMALS
“May be a bit larger than what we need”, rescue chief says
TV VIEWING TRAGEDY: MTV MUSIC AWARDS TOOK PLACE BEFORE ATTACK, WERE NEVER CANCELLED
Millions of Americans traumatized by TV images of Brittney Spears and P. Diddy
ROBERT DOWNEY, JR. EXPRESSES CONCERNS OVER AFGHAN POPPY SUPPLY IN EVENT OF WAR
MYSTERIOUS BLOOD DONATION ARRIVES FROM TRANSYLVANIA
“It’s good to see everyone is pitching in,” says Red Cross spokesman
POWELL: WE MAY NEED TO DEAL WITH “UNSAVORY” CHARACTERS TO CATCH TERRORISTS
Eminem steps forward to help
RESCUE WORKERS REJECT BRONX ZOO ELEPHANTS AS SEARCH ANIMALS
“May be a bit larger than what we need,”, rescue chief says
TV VIEWING TRAGEDY: MTV MUSIC AWARDS TOOK PLACE BEFORE ATTACK, WERE NEVER CANCELLED
Millions of Americans traumatized by TV images of Brittney Spears and P. Diddy
ROBERT DOWNEY, JR. EXPRESSES CONCERNS OVER AFGHAN POPPY SUPPLY IN EVENT OF WAR
MYSTERIOUS BLOOD DONATION ARRIVES FROM TRANSYLVANIA
“It’s good to see everyone is pitching in,” says Red Cross spokesman
WTC Collapses - Ms. K. Kong Rejoices
Louise Kong, wife of the late King Kong, killed by jet fighters during the remake of the 1939 movie classic, openly rejoiced at the news of the destruction of the World Trade Center. Reached at her home on Skull Island, Ms. Kong said “Those buildings have always been a sharp reminder of the personal tragedy my family faced. Ever since King was shot and fell to his death from the World Trade Center I’ve hoped that this would happen. Of course, if he had just kept his damn hands off Jessica Lange we would have never had to face this in the first place. It is just a sad day all the way around.”
Neither Jeff Bridges nor Charles Grodin could be reached for comment.
AMTRAK/GREYHOUND TO REVEAL NEW JOINT AD CAMPAIGN
In an attempt to bolster sagging ridership, both AMTRAK and Greyhound are expected to unveil new ad campaigns prominently featuring the danger of air travel. Among the slogans being market-tested throughout the country:
AMTRAK, we’ll get you to your destination on time AND alive. Now that’s service.
Greyhound - Leave the Driving to us, not some radical Muslim fundamentalist.
**“NORWAY MUST BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR HARBORING TERRORISTS” SAYS FORMER PRESIDENT REAGAN
“We must all stand behind President McKinley” former leader adds
GARY CONDIT RULES OUT '04 PRESIDENTIAL BID
War President hard to defeat, says spokesman**
New Microsoft Flight Simulator Bug Found
Afghan Hounds Killed by the Hundreds
Breed to be renamed Liberty Hounds
Afghanistan Northern Alliance Prays For War
“Bombing us back to the Stone Age would be a step up - please!”
Empire State Building Sees Upside, Downside
“I guess I’m not important enough anymore to want to attack, but, hey, I’m back in the top five of New York’s skyline again, so I guess that’s good news.”
Chicago Reportedly "Pretty Pissed Off"
“What, the tallest building in the United States ain’t good enough for ya?”
Heaven “Indifferent” towards attack
“Yeah, we saw it, but what are ya gonna do?” said St. Peter. The Almighty could not be reached for comment.
No, that should be France surrenders.
God bless The Onion.
Esprix