Not exactly ONION headline type humor, but late last week a bunch of us at work went out for chinese during lunch, and as it often does, drinking the hot tea had me perspiring.
“Damn”, I said as I wiped my brow, “I’m sweatin’ like a New York Ay-rab!”
BIN LAUDIN BLOWS SELF UP IN RASH DISPUTE OVER ISLAMIC DOCTRINE
“I’m just not Muslim enough” claims Taliban strongman.
CIA INTELLIGENCE REPORT: AFGHANISTAN MAY BE CLOSER THAN EVER TO DEVELOPING FLINTLOCK
RAND MCNALLY DEBATES LAYOUT OF NEW GLOBES
May have to include “smoking crater” stickers for middle east region.
**IN BOLD PREEMPTIVE MOVE FRANCE SURRENDERS **
Angry Mobs Blame Existence of Airplanes
Dayton, Kittyhawk burned to the ground
Bush Evacuates White House; Gore Seizes Presidency
Sells cabinet into slavery, orders execution of Supreme Court justices
Dan Rather Utters Ten Millionth Bad Simile
NASA Sues NBC Over Brokaw’s On-Air Recollection of Challenger Disaster
Local Man Finally Turns On Television
“Why didn’t somebody tell me what was going on?”
Afghanistan Plays Dumb
“Osama bin who?”
ANNE HECHE OFFERS EXTRATERRESTRIAL ASSISTANCE TO RESCUE WORKERS; FLYING SAUCERS TO LIFT RUBBLE
But will not participate in “further violence” adds troubled actress
ITALY WILL NOT PARTICIPATE IN ATTACK ON AFGHANISTAN, AMERICA BREATHES SIGH OF RELIEF
GUILIANI: NEW YORK MAFIA FAMILIES “MORE UNITED THAN EVER”; TO SEND BIG VINNIE AND TOOTS OVER THE AFGHANISTAN TO "TAKE CARE OF THINGS"
Hitting pretty close to home there!
**Stockbroker Suicide At Record Low Since Tuesday
Morgan Stanley Files Lawsuit Against Fire, Gravity
Cellular Phones Actually Revealed to Have a Purpose
New Yorkers Look Up While Walking, Report Strange Sensation
New WTC Will Retract Into Ground to Avoid Future Attacks
David Blaine Discovered in WTC Basement - Has Been Sealed in Concrete for 6 Days
Peter Jennings Awarded Daytime Emmy for Performance During Crisis
Oliver Stone Formulates Single-Plane Theory**
BARBARA WALTERS TEARFUL INTERVIEW WITH OSAMA BIN LADEN TO BE BROADCAST THUR NIGHT
“All I wanted as a child was a puppy,” teary-eyed Islamic terrorist reveals
“THAT 70S SHOW” EPISODE WILL NOT AIR
Censors worry that scene of Fez blowing up WTC while high on pot might be offensive to some viewers
SUDDENLY POPULAR SLOBODAN MILOSEVIC TO BE HONORED BY CONGRESS
DON KING’S HAIR WAS AN AIRLINE TARGET, OFFICIALS SAY
Boxing promoter says “Only in America” could such a plot be averted
Hijackers refused to fly TWA
“We’re not that crazy!” says spokesman.
IN POSSIBLE CONFUSION OVER TARGET TERRORISTS ATTACK WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION
Hulk Hogan: “Oh yeah! Bring it on!” – Iron Shiek sought for questioning.
WAL-MART WITHDRAWS “BIN-LAUDIN AND HIS KUNG-FU FIGHTIN’ FORCE” ACTION FIGURES
“It just seems like the right thing to do”
**WRIGHT BROTHERS TARGETED BY LAWSUIT FOLLOWING DISASTER
Future airplanes will include warning labels
TED KAZINSKI: “SEE, IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE”
PALESTINIAN TERRORIST GROUP REVERSES EARLIER CLAIM OF RESPONSIBILITY FOR HURRICANE FRAN**
Powell vows to invade Afganistan, kidnap goat
Tearful Osama bin Laden begs for mercy, “It’s the only one we have!”
-Ben
JERRY FALWELL FINALLY ON BOARD WITH ATTACK ON BIN LADEN
Produces evidence terrorist may be homosexual
THAILAND PLEDGES SUPPORT OF U.S. MILITARY EFFORT
Will donate 12 year old girls as hookers to servicemen
RESCUE WORKERS ASKED TO LEAVE WTC SITE- SPOTTED WHITE OWL SIGHTED
AL GORE SHAVES BEARD
Denies he is Bin Laden supporter after being seen with turban, denies Tipper is one of five wives
CHARLES MANSON CONDEMNS OSAMA BIN LADEN
“That guy scares the hell out of me,” confesses convicted killer
FRIDAY NIGHT EXECUTIONS POSTPONED IN AFGHANISTAN
“Out of respect for victims,” says Taliban. No word on playoffs.
High School Geometry Student Shows Engineers Simplicity of Constructing a Pentagon
Compass, straightedge among essential tools
Terrorists Dismantle, Steal World Trade Center
Theft occurred over a period of two months, while no one was looking
**Debates Begin on Senate Bill Outlawing Hijacking Planes **
“It’s high time we did something about this”
Hijacked Bicycle Slams Into World Trade Center
Reports of bruises abound
Osama Bin Laden Denies Own Existence
“That’s why I couldn’t have been responsible”
FBI Expands Suspect List
Warrants issued for the arrest of anyone who has ever been on an airplane
Taliban to U.S.: Only We Are Allowed To Make The People Of Afghanistan Suffer
AFGHANISTAN HIDES IN THE CELLAR
New Country Called “Afghanistan’s Neighbour” Formed, Told “If Anyone Knocks, We’re Not Here”
TOM CRUISE MARRIES RICKY MARTIN
“No-One’s Going To Note Anyway”, Exalts Happy Couple
IRAN NOT EVEN SUSPECTED
“We Knew Progressing To 18th Century Was A Smart Move”, Tells President Khatami
Local Potheads Still Unsure If Trade Center Is Actually Gone
“Like, I saw it collapse - or was that acid? I’m so totally fucking stoned,” says NY stoner
New York Satellite TV Subscribers Rejoice At Improved Reception
Congress Approves $15 Billion Funding For New Phallic Symbols
John Edward: I’ll Be Channeling Osama Bin Laden On Nov. 5 TV Special
Penn and Teller Apprehended Outside Las Vegas; WTC In Trunk
Dennis Miller Unveils New Line of Witty WTC References
“That tackle folded him up like the World Trade Center”
"No good reason for Pentagon to have so many sides," says Bush
BOMB THREAT CALLED INTO PHILADELPHIA VETERAN’S STADIUM
City refuses to respond, says “Caller would be doing us a favor, as long as it’s not during a game.”
WORLD TRADE CENTER COULD BE CLONED
University researchers hard at work; religious groups protest
PRESIDENT CARTER BACKS STRONG ACTION
Hopes Bush will follow his example of strength against Middle Eastern rogue nations
Creation Scientists deny WTC bombing occurred
“I mean think about it!” says “Dr.” Kent Hovind, “the odds of any one American dying in a terrorist attack are 1 in 10 million. What are the odds of 5000 at once?”
Afghanistan claims they don’t know bin Laden
“We may have met him once or twice at a party” claims supreme Taliban leader.
France calls up 10,000 reserves. Plans capitulation drills over the weekend
TEXAS BOOK DEPOSITORY CLAIMED TO BE NEXT TERRORIST TARGET
Plane seen taking off from the Grassy Knoll.
HEY!
Yeah, that’s right Spoofe, I’ll remember that next time you come and get a shake! 
Pagans, Abortionists, Feminists, Gays, Lesbians, ACLU, People For the American Way, NOW, Christ-Haters Admit Guilt
“Yeah, it was us all along. We had no idea [Jerry] Falwell was on to us!”
Corpses Found In Compromising Positions
Unusual number of dead discovered in boss/secretary pairings.
Greenspan Denies Wrongdoing
“Hey, I wasn’t anywhere near there on Tuesday. Don’t blame me if my power increases exponentially to my saving the U.S. economy - it’s not my fault.”
Esprix