This thread idea is somewhat sick, but you know what they say, laughter is the best medicine.
BIZARRO-WORLD NEW YORK CITY CITIZENS MOURN DESTRUCTION OF 110-STORY AIRPLANE
Studies say landmark was destroyed by “two hijacked office buildings”
I also thought of something about Bush actually being smart (I heard him use the word “cow” yesterday to mean “to fear or threaten into submission”-an acceptable use of the word), but I don’t know how to “headline” it, really.
“Fooled You!” - David Copperfield
Ok, my favorite, for it’s subtely is the Al Gore shaving his beard reference.
Earthquake Claims 1000 Lives in Japan - Taliban Denies Responsibility
bin Laden Base Experiencing Unprecedented Heat Wave - Forecasts call for temperatures approaching that of the surface of the sun
PETA Claims Responsibility for WTC Attacks - ‘We couldn’t get there in time to save the rabbits from the falling debris, unfortunately’
Military Already Has Enough Easily Brainwashable Youths - ‘Yeah, we don’t need any more adolescents trying to fit in. All the ones we needed signed up for the free scholarships when there wasn’t a war.’
Bush To Announce Plans To Replace World Trade Center With New 'The Whole Universe Trade Center’
Ya’ll are some sick mofo’s.
Someone should send a copy of this to bin Laden. If he knew Americans (sometimes) think like this, he would get dispirited and give up.
Hijacker: I didn’t think Paradise would be so hot!
Satan: They just don’t seem to get it
FAA Assigns Specially Trained Dogs to National Airports!
K-9 Crews Trained to Sniff Out Minute Quantities of Hummus
NOW HIRING!!!
NYC Unemployment Rate Falls to All Time Low
New Jersey Organized Crime Task Force Dismantled
Source says, “There ain’t nothin’ in Jersey landfills 'cept garbage.”
I am going to hell.
UNITED STATES SURRENDERS TO TALIBAN!!
Worlds premier superpower to adopt Muslim religion, rigid interpretation of koran. “You’ve gotta’ be Goddamn shitting me!?!” exclaims Bin Laudin upon notification of his victory.
France Surrenders To Taliban, United States, NATO, Russia, Nepal, Carthage, Spice Girls
Impending War Panics Stupid Old People
Bill Clinton Already Planning To Dodge Draft
Rumsfeld Visits Aircraft Carrier USS Truman; Declares It "Fuckin’ Awesome"
Teletubbies Masterminded WTC Attack, Claims Falwell
Nation Mourns Terrorist Failure To Kill SNL Cast
[sub]You dopers rock [/sub]
**Eastern Airlines: Don’t Blame Us, we’ve been bankrupt for years. Braniff & Pan Am echo statement. **
**Lee Harvey Oswald Was Second Spitter **
**Sex In the City Star Kim Catrall Volunteers To Aid Firemen In Lifting Their Hose. " It’s the least I could do" **
**Woody Allen Not Killed In WTC Bombing. " The City is deeply saddened to hear that he was not killed." says a source from the mayor’s office. **
** NYPD Detective Lenny BriscoIs On the Case. " I expect to have a suspect in the next thirty minutes." **
President Clinton picture here buying a dime bag from his dealer, Mr. Marion Barry.
“It’s been awhile since I’ve toked, but I figure a couple of Cheech & Chong movies, a bag of cheeto’s and I’ll get right back in the saddle. It’s like riding a intern, do it once, you never forget.” Says the former Most Popular President Of All Time.
**Images of Chandra Levy Seen In the WTC Smoke **
“Beats the fuck outta me. " Says Condit, " I dumped her body in Rhode Island.”
**WTC Survivor Turns Out to Be Hoffa! **
" I came out here for a Yankee Game and have been lost in the transit system for 25 years." Says the former Union Leader, “I survived by honing my 3 card monty skills and chump changing people.” Hoffa shrieked like a little girl when he was lead into sunlight.
Senate Outlaws Messenger Bike Services
It’s High Time We Put An End To This Irresponsible Behavior. What if one of them crashed into a high rise building? “I shudder to think what might happen.” Says Senator Carl Levin.
** Special Commando Team Heading To Wipe Out Taliban **
An international crack unit consisting of the Queen Mum, Stephan Hawking, Katherine Hepburn, The Pope, Keith Richards, The Entire Cast of SNL Past and Present and Ronald Reagan have joined forces to parachute into the frontier of Afghansistan. " We’ve been given the gift of life, " Says the Queen Mum, sporting a lovely violet ensemble with a matching hat and bag made special for the strike, “We are all on everyone’s Dead Pool List.”
Thank you, Syzygy, that is the funniest fucking thing I’ve read in a week.
**Japan Pissed That Their Pearl Harbor Record Was Broken **
“Next year we bomb Disneyland at Easter. " Says Prime Minister , " I’d like to see the Taliban beat that!”
D. B. COOPER INSISTS THAT HE "REALLY DIDN’T MEAN TO DO THAT"
**GOOD FINANCIAL NEWS: VIAGRA SALES THROUGH THE ROOF
Pfizer denies TV image seen by millions of men over and over and over again of a long, tall erect object being reduced into a stump had anything to do with it
SKY MARSHALS FACE CHALLENGE
Big metal stars won’t pass through airport metal detectors
NHL TO REDUCE SCHEDULE TO SIX GAMES, NO PLAYOFFS, ONE GAME TO DECIDE STANLEY CUP TO BE PLAYED AUGUST 2003
“We all want to do our part”, comments commissioner Gary Bentmann
SEPTEMBER 11, 2001, THE DAY THAT CHANGED EVERYTHING- EXCEPT THE FACT THAT HILLARY CLINTON IS STILL A BITCH
TERRORISTS HIT WRONG TARGETS!
Meant to hit Sears Tower, Astrodome, But Used CIA Maps
BASEBALL RESUMES!
Millions of viewers flood ESPN switchboard to complain that watching endless hours of footage of firemen going through rubble was so much more exciting
AFGHANISTAN PLEADS: PLEASE DON’T BOMB US INTO THE ORDOVICIAN AGE**
I read the link that says the Onion is going to be hands off for at least this week. From that perspective, I think the most likely headline is going to be something like this:
Terrorists Shocked To Find Themselves In Hell
“This wasn’t in the brochure,” complained Khalid al Midhar. Al Midhar, a well known terrorist and houri fan claims that bin Laden told him that Heaven would be his reward. “I certainly wasn’t expecting Eternal damnation”, said another terrorist who refused to give his name, “perhaps we should have read the Qur’an a bit more closely.” Bin Laden could not be reached for comment.
WTC denies being bombed
Offers to take drug test to prove it
Taliban’s Dart-Board-O’-Excuses expanded to a full acre in size
{snort}
**Nothing Happens In Hollywood **
“It’s weird.” Says Jennifer Anniston-Pitt, " We aren’t the center of attention this week. Is it my hair?"
**12 Year Old Boy Killed By Shark Off Coast Of Florida **
Taliban denies responsiblity. " Ask Cuba," Says Muhammad el-Jabbar, a spokesman for the extremist group. " They’ve been suspicously quiet lately."
**Princess Diana Comes Back To Life **
“Looks like I picked the wrong week to return from the grave.” Says the princess. Franklin Mint “Diana Collection” prices bottom out.
**Beanie Babies Issue A Commemorative WTC Teddy Bear **
" It will be covered in blood and have its fur burned off of it in a tasteful manner." Says company spokesperson Tammi Dingle.
Nation Momentarily Pretends President is not an Idiot
“Yeah, I’m behind him all the way. I, uh, think he’s doing a good job. I mean, he’s handling things alright. I guess,” say citizens.
Second-string Reporters Laud Terrorist Actions
“Finally I get airtime!” says small-time reporter Joe Shmoe.
America Target of International Terrorism; “Join the fucking club!” says rest of world.
Terrorists Attack Rural Pennsylvania
“For too long has rural Pennsylvania subjugated Islamic people,” says terrorist spokesman.