“WTC, Pentagon Attacks Discovered Not to be an Act of Terrorism.”
Spokespersons for United and American Airlines issued statements admitting that the four “highjacked” flights were piloted by former Amtrack conductors.
Eff’N Lee Beighly Files Lawsuit on Behalf of Airline Passenger Families.
“Those towers had no business not moving,” Eff’N Lee Beighly said, “Clearly they are liable for this tragedy. On behalf of my clients I seek damages in the amount of 50 billion dollars.” When asked how much of that 50 billion would actually go to the families Beighly declined to comment, but did add, “O.J. did it.” He then slipped away in the maylay that followed.
Elton John To Release Re-remake of Candle in the Wind.
Britney Spears Suffers Nervous Breakdown.
The 19 year-old pop star was admitted to an undisclosed institution when her latest album was bumped out of the Billboard’s number one spot by Elton John’s re-remake of Candle in the Wind. “She just can’t handle not being the center of attention,” equally annoying pop star Christina Aguilera, was reported to have said. When asked about the release date of her next album and why she wears such whorish make-up, Aguilera refused to comment and vehemantly proclaimed, “I’m Latina, honestly! Yo quiero Taco Bell.”
Carson Daly Interviews Osama bin Laden on TRL.
Osama bin Laden, suspected in the attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon, to name a few, made an appearance on MTV’s Total Request Live. He was greeted by a throng of doe-eyed teen aged girls shrieking loudly while holding up signs that read “Can I be your 14th wife?” Throughout the appearance, bin Laden remained quiet, with the exception of a few anti-American utterances, but was quoted to have asked, “If MTV stands for Music Television why the hell don’t you play any music?” MTV followed TRL with a marathon of The Real World, which was in turn followed by a marathon of Road Rules.
FBI Under Fire for Failure to Locate Osama bin Laden.
The FBI is, yet again, suffering from the embarassment of, yet another, foul up. Osama bin Laden’s recent appearance on MTV’s TRL sparked an outcry for an investigation of the FBI. “If Carson Daly can find him why cant the FBI,” John Doe of Peduka Kentucky asked. “It’s not as easy as it sounds,” FBI Director Robert Mueller insisted. A reporter asked about a file he held labelled “Oklahoma City Bombing,” and it’s contents. Mueller replied, “Errr, ummmm, uhhhh, nothing,” then pointed off into the distance and cried, “Oh my God there’s a plane heading right for us.” The reporters weren’t fooled, but Mueller made a hasty escape, nonetheless.