Crotches Grabbed
“We got yer World Freakin’ Trade Center RIGHT HERE,” proclaim 7 million New Yorkers.
Mercutio, you’re my new god.
Gravity Arrested
Blamed in collapse of World Trade Center towers
Asteroid Smashes Into Siberia
May have been hijacked
Deranged Hermit Revises Schedule
Had planned to bomb WTC September 12: “Those bastards beat me to it.”
Afghanistan Self-Destructs
Taliban official “hit the wrong button,” meant to just turn the light off
Pope Denies Role In Terrorist Attack
Powell names him as prime suspect anyway
Maverick Pilot’s Fly-by Goes Horribly Wrong
Spills more than coffee this time
Terrorists Ask For Directions To WTC
“You can’t miss 'em,” says local man
New Jersey Tourism Board Readies Its “We’re Not As Cool, But Who’d Waste A Bomb On Us?” Ad Campaign
Christopher Lowell Revealed As WTC Mastermind
“I’ve got three words for you: tacky, tacky, tacky!” says Lowell
NYC Homeless Outraged at Sudden Outpouring of Food and Supplies
“What, my Starbucks cup isn’t motivation enough?” says 6th Avenue panhandler
French Parachutist Blamed for Lack of Readiness
“Yeah, we saw the radar blip, but we thought it was another asshole performance artist,” says ATC Fred Randich
**WHITE HOUSE ANNOUNCES BIN LADEN STRATEGY: PLAY “GOD BLESS THE USA” BY LEE GREENWOOD 500 TIMES
“That’ll smoke 'em out” says Bush, cites country listener suicides across the country, same tendency in terrorists
CARROT TOP 10-10-21 COMMERICAL PULLED
Shows flame haired comedian telling World Trade Center employees to try his calling plan instead of using cell phones; “Not appropriate at this time,” says spokesman
PR DISASTER: SUPERMAN WAS ON GOLF VACATION DURING ATTACKS, OFFICIALS SAY
Poll shows Man of Steel’s approval rating down 75%; Krypton sends regrets**
President Signs Death Warrant for bin Laden, Other Terrorists
Bush: “Just like being Governor.”
NBC Logo Designer “Pretty Happy” with Radar-Themed ‘Attack On America’ Graphic
Took “about five minutes” to design; Crosshair theme also considered
Latest Report: First Plane Asked WTC Tower For Autograph Before Crashing
Bipartisan Coalition: Make Nostradamus Mandatory In Schools
“Tragedy could have been averted”; Cites email from cousin
Terror In Our Schools: First Grader Arrested After Knocking Over Tower of Blocks
Boy is “possible suspect”, says FBI; Milton Bradley execs questioned about Jenga
In a surprisingly ironic turnabout, an entire planeload of Bin Laden supporters has been hijacked en route to Afghanistan and is now grounded at a nearby airport. Hijackers are threatening to release one hostage every hour until their demands are met.
bowing in humility before all the truly funny who have posted before
(It is so true that you guys rock - thanks.)
**TERRORISTS HIJACK TWO X-WING FIGHTERS, CRASH THEM INTO DEATH STAR
Galactic Empire names Jedi terrorist Obi Wan Kenobi “prime suspect”, accuses Tatooine of “harboring fugitives”; mulls possible destruction of star system in retaliation.
CHARLTON HESTON: GUNS COULD HAVE AVERTED TRAGEDY
“If just one WTC employee had a handgun, airliner could have been shot down!” wheezes NRA chief
COPYCAT CRIME: ABORIGINE HIJACKS BOOMERANG, TRIES TO BRING DOWN HUT
“Were in shock,” says Aussie government
“DOPE PEDDLING QUEEN OF ENGLAND BEHIND ATTACKS!” CLAIMS LYNDON LAROUCHE
World yawns**
SYMPATHETIC AMERICANS TO THROW HOUSEWARMING PARTY FOR BIN LADEN
“We’ll bring the barbecue, extra hot” they promise with a smile
[sub](I’m so ashamed of myself…)[/sub]
I thought they were all +/- 3% anyway? 
"Dear Crazed Terrorist,
My boyfriend has been pressuring me lately for sex. Although I’m not a virgin, I find that as I get older, being intimate with someone means more and more to me. He’s a great guy, and we’ve been going out for a couple months, but now all of a sudden he wants to ‘get it over with.’ I think something meaningful could develop between us given enough time. Should I ‘get it over with,’ tell him what I feel, or just dump him?
- Troubled in Tennessee"
"Dear Troubled,
Nobody move! I have a boxcutter and I know how to use it! We are hijacking this plane! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! I will kill this woman if you do not shut up! Everyone move to the back of the plane! MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE! We do this for the greater glory of Allah! You will all die glorious deaths! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!"
(See y’all in hell!)
Esprix
Bin Laden traded to the Braves for John Rocker
“We just can’t have that controversy on this team.” frustrated Afgah coach says. “Fuck that!” Rocker exclaims.
Special Bird Flipping This Evening
All Americans are asked at 4:20 this evening to flip the bird in the general direction of Afganastan.
The Pope Addresses the World
“Kill the fucker!” he exclaims.
Oh, and somebody send the URL of this thread to The Onion, and make sure we get credit!
Esprix
(Achmed al-Saame is a crazed, brainwashed Islamic terrorist who advice column, Ask A Crazed Terrorist, appears in 150 newspapers nationwide.)
Other Point-Counterpoints:
We Cannot Win A War Against Terrorism
By Dr. Elwood P. Politicalscientist
vs.
I Am So Totally Fucked
By Osama bin Laden
or
We Must Remember Our Roots And Love Our Arab-American Neighbours
by Colin Powell, Secretary of State
vs.
Kill The Dune Coons
by Herbert S. Thudhopper, Redneck
LOCAL MAN PINPOINTS TERRORIST HEADQUARTERS
Heroic area resident captures, beats Pakistani convenience store owner.
“We don’t know how Svenson caught the dirty towelhead, but all of America owes him their lives,” says FBI spokesman.
Vinnie, I think I am your number one fan!
**Pope begs for bin Laden’s life to be spared. **
Captured islam leader Osama bin Laden was found guilty last week for terrorist activites and having a spotty kitchen towel on his head. Wanting to do the right thing, George W has decided to listen to the pontiff’s plea and extradite Osama bin Laden to live with his Holiness in Vatican City. Pope JP2 heard to reply, " Fuck that, he’s a nutjob."
This and the single plane theory are absolutely the two best ( then mine, naturally.)
**Trees outside Pentagon damanged in attack. Greenpeace cheezed off now. **
**Americans Opt for Peaceful Conclusion. No Invasion Planned. **
Enraged Amish forgo their dogma, willing to lay down their pitchforks and beat the shit of Afghans. “Only it will take us about 28 weeks to get there by horse and buggy.” Hans Yoder said to Colin Powell. " They aren’t that much different than us."
All Afghani borders are closed.
Neighboring countries build 200 high foot walls and NYC pipes their sewage system over.
**World Trade Center Bombed **
No pigeons were killed.
**Native Americans Take To Supreme Court **
Claiming that their ancestors were drunk on fire water or writhing in pain from VD and small pox, John Sitting Duck of the PontiacGM Tribe is launching on behalf of the two hundred tribal members a lawsuit to win back the land that was “pretty much stolen from us. I mean, what kind of fuckin’ rube would take $24 and some beads for an island near all these airports, train and broadway shows?”
If it wins the historic lawsuit the members of the PontiacGM tribe have vowed to build a casino. " It will be tasteful, " Says Sitting Duck, " With performers like Raffi, Willie Nelson and Wayne Newton on the bill."
**World Trade Center To Be Rebuilt by Private Company **
Bankruptcy forced the sale of prime real estate in Lower Manhatten to a company called *YoYoDyne Propulsion Systems *run by capitalist/mad scientist John Whorphin. " I not worried about dis Osama Bin Laudin fellow-a. He is a monkey boy." Says Whorphin, " But itza dis Buckaroo Bonzai who chaps my ass."
Bush seeks aid of Fremen
“What we need now is desert power,” says a troubled Bush. Shai Hallud was unavailable for comment… More -->
Hellraiser star ‘Pinhead’ to punish bin Laden
“We’re just going to ‘overnight’ the Box to bin Laden,” reports Secretary of State Powell. Critics argue that bloody sand may revive the tortured soul… More–>
Secret diary of Einstein reveals God’s plot!
“God does not play dice,” is a quote most often attributed to Einstien’s view of quantum reality. Paul Harvey indicates that this is only part of the story. “God specifically plays ‘Risk,’” says the source, “with Allah and the IPU…” More–>
Britain Annexed as 51st US State
Ex-Prime Minister Tony Blair runs for a Senate seat. Campaign slogan details national health care and blind support for arbitrary foriegn policy. Christian fundamentalists cheer the country that “smokes fags…” More–>
Psychics Warn: Don’t Rebuild the Real Estate!
Psychics around the US united to warn leaders not to rebuild the property. “If even one soul is not recovered from this tragedy and we rebuild,” cautions one psychic, “we forsee terrible poltergeist acts.” President Bush in an unofficial comment said that even ghosts cannot hide from American military and intelligence. More–>