When my brother was born my aunt (mom’s sister) and I were there too with Dad. Their mother had told them that having a baby was the most painful thing she ever experienced and she thought she was going to die all three times. My mom wanted us there so we’d know it wasn’t true. Perhaps a wasted effort on her part because my aunt never got married or had kids, and while I’m keen on the getting married part, I’m not so sure about kids.
But this is something I worry about: if I do have kids, how do I tell my mother I don’t want her there? Because I don’t. Hell, if it wasn’t standard for the spouse to be there, I’d be happy enough for hypothetical him to stay in the waiting room and pass out cigars.
It seems kind of wrong to say no to mom, though, after having been there when she gave birth, you know? I don’t see how “no” won’t lead to hurt feelings…
My mother never remembers at what time my brothers were born; she has to ask me. I remember very clearly the nerves in the waiting room, and I know that Middlebro was born at 1am and Lilbro at 10:30pm because for Middlebro they’d already sent me to bed and for Lilbro I was the first relative to hold him (I was heading to the bathroom in quite a hurry when the nurse was bringing him in; I hadn’t wanted to go in case he was brought out while I was doing my business).
Middlebro never planned on being present for The Nephew’s birth, nor does he plan on being there for further possible Nephews. It would have been moot anyway, because fathers (the only persons allowed in, in Spain) are only allowed in if there’s no complications at all and in this case there were some.
And anybody who says “why are you excluding me?” is an asshole. Excluding? It’s a birth, not a birthday party!
Re what Sam I am says: my brothers weren’t afraid of water as little kids. It was only after a lot of badgering by Mom about the dangers of the pool that they became terrified of it. And then she’d wonder why they didn’t want to take part in swimming lessons… :smack:
Meh. Unless there is a MAJOR age gap between you and brother, there will be significant passage of time between your brother’s birth and any birth you will be a part of. So at some point, perhaps even before you get pregnant, perhaps while discussing a friend’s birth experience, you say “You know Mom, I really appreciate what you did for me in having me there when you gave birth, but the fact of the matter is, I think I’d rather have this experience just by myself (and with the medical professionals). I’ll let hubby in if he wants to be there, but I think I’d prefer that you stay in the waiting room.”
Tonight, I’m meeting with a friend who wanted to be there for thre birth and I told her no. It turned out for the best because now she is in the process of moving to southern Colorado. Our friendship has been dissolving for a lot reasons, so this may be the last time we see each other. At least we’re ending things on a positive not.
My next challange: Mother. There is a couple of things we need to discuss and I’m certain she’ll come unglued. (Or maybe not. Unstable people can make life interesting.)
What I’ll tell her:
Mouse_Spouse and I will be the only non-medical people allowed in the room and present at the brith. After the baby is born, we’ll call you and other relatives to arrange times for them to come visit. (Spouse’s parents and my mother all live in the Denver Metro area, so getting to the hospital won’t take long.) We’ll be exhuasted and don’t want to deal with a crowd.
My friends are having a baby shower for me in September. You will be invited. I know you don’t like my best friend because she broke up with my brother*, but I would appreciate it if you would act civil to her. (At out Rehersal Dinner, Mother sulked and pouted in the parking lot the whole time because my BF was my matron of honor.)
*Long story short: I met BF when she was dating my brother. They had a child, my nephew, and broke up a few years after. There is a lot tension between Mother and I because I supported BF leaving my brother. Mother’s attitude is “He’s wasn’t beating her, there was no reason for her to leave. She broke your brother’s heart.” My thoughts on the issue were “I love my brother as a sibling, but he was not living up to the responsiblities of parent. BF was trying to save up money for a house and a college fund. Brother was spending the money on concert tickets, booze and drugs. Also, the list of girls who ‘broke his heart’ is not short.”
That’s my guess. I think they need a fact sheet, complete with info on possible defecation and ripping P to A – not to mention ‘birthing’ the placenta.
That way everyone gets what they want. Family, friends, total strangers can observer the mousing and you won’t have any extra bodies in the room. ducks and runs
One word of advice: don’t trust the nurses to keep people out, because they can’t monitor the door non-stop. Also don’t trust people who promise not to show up for the birth to not show up for the birth.
My wife told all our family that it would be only myself and her for the birth, and told the nurses as well. My dad came by during labor to check on us, and just walked into the room. It wasn’t in the middle of a contraction or anything, but the whole labor was something of an ordeal, so my wife was less than pleased. My dad left in under 2 minutes, I think, after I kind of shoo-ed him out…
…unfortunately, my wife hasn’t yet forgiven him for showing up like he did, and hasn’t forgiven me for not getting rid of him quicker.
So anyhow, I’m glad you have a “healthy kid is all that truly matters attitude”, but make sure Mouse_Spouse is on board as a second line of defense against intruders. Hopefully you don’t have to add him to the “don’t trust” list above, like my wife did with me.
I’ll never forget when my husband’s parents wanted to pop in the birth video for one of his sister’s kids. My husband protested, only to be told, “Oh, but it’s very tastefully done.” To which he replied, “That’s not possible.” We high-tailed it to the basement until it was over. Why anyone thought he’d want to watch his sister give birth is beyond me.
Oh, god–wouldn’t it be funny if you did let these people in and they got bored with all the waiting and left?
I can’t imagine anyone wanting to be there-except for those most intimately involved (or that have a role, like a doula). I am also somewhat squiked out by someone else wanting to “ride the wave” of euphoria that is MY birth experience, but that it probably just me. (sorry, Whynot-not meaning to hurt feelings here).
I had the opposite problem, in a way-noone wanted to be with us, but my MIL and FIL wouldn’t come to the hospital to SEE the babies. My MIL has a fear of hospitals and germs and so wouldn’t come. Of course, that meant that FIL couldn’t come either (why remains a mystery). Apparently, it was fine if I had my babies anywhere, but when her daughter became pregnant, she moaned to me that she was sure that her daughter MUST have a private nurse (not a doula-she wanted a private duty nurse). Whatever. :rolleyes: And then there was my mother who didn’t believe at first that I had had my first baby; and didn’t want to visit after I’d had her or the other two–in fact, her first words to me were, “I don’t babysit.” Seeing as how she lives 600 miles away, I thought that a moot point. :rolleyes:
Grandparents are an odd lot–and they can be needy as hell. IMO, some of them see this as a secod chance: to do all the things they didn’t or couldn’t or wouldn’t with you and yours. This can be irksome to the parents. I suggest you and your spouse get on the same page and soon about childcare issues (admittedly, some of these you can’t possibly predict, but you all need to establish a method of handling them, pronto). Just keep in mind–you and your baby are not here to meet these grandparents needs for redemption or second chances or whatever. You don’t have to name the baby after them, have the baby go into the same profession as they had etc. Let mousebaby be mousebaby.
Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t see why there need to be visitors at the hospital at all under normal circumstances. You’re tired, you’re sore, you may be trying to learn or relearn how to breastfeed at any given moment. All the relatives have waited 9 months to see the kid, they can wait one more day and let my husband and me and the new baby just be a family for the first few hours.
When I’m home and comfortable and clean and well-groomed, then come visit.
Mouse_Spouse is an amateur photographer. He already knows that his life is forfeit if a camera flashes/click/does it digital image thing during labor and delivery. Pictures of the baby, fine. Me, no way in hell.
Mouse_Maven, I had hoped that the grin would have tipped you off.
My two cents is this, and I say it with no grins or nudge-nudge wink-wink: Births, like religious ceremonies, should not be recorded visually.
They are intensely private and emotional events. In addition to the obvious baring of one’s private bits, it is emotionally raw. Who would want to sit around on a Sunday evening with the family after dinner for years to come, viewing this event again and again?
Some things are not meant to be recorded. This, from a man who has been a camera operator for 27 years.
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