Hey, can I get another drink down here?
I’ve been to prison once.
I’ve been married twice.
I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live in shit-ass Mexico for two and a half years for no reason.
I’ve had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out, and I got a bone chip in my ankle that’s never gonna heal.
I’ve seen some pretty shitty situations in my life.
But nothing has ever sucked more ass than this.
If I’d known I was gonna have to put up with screaming brats pissing on my lap for days out of the year, I would have killed myself a long time ago.
Come to think of it, I still might.
Where I come from, we didn’t celebrate Christmas.
Not because we were Jewish, but because my dad was a worthless-coward fucking asshole whose idea of a present was a daily punch to the back of the head.
He did teach me how to crack a safe, though.
My dad never did shit with his life, so he took it out on me.
You could say I’m no different. I’d have to say you were right.
But at this point, it’s too late to start over.
Funny how things work out.
It’s fucking hilarious.