In the seasonal spirit of togetherness and sharing, we are once again preparing (chiefly via shopping and air travel) to maximize the exchange of viruses, bacteria, prions and other infectious particles. In that spirit, here are a couple of handy tips to ensure that your complement of indigenous infectious agents is spread as widely as possible.
Do not, under any circumstances, cover your mouth when you sneeze or cough. In fact, while expelling your oral and nasal cavity contents, it is helpful to turn part way around in your restaurant booth so that those of us in the adjoining booth can partake of the spray.
Coughing and sneezing as vigorously and loudly as possible is essential, to avoid the buildup of high-pressure bodily fluids, that otherwise threaten a spontaneous implosion that would collapse you into a small reeking pile of snot. Shrieking loudly as you sneeze is especially good.
And if you’re going to be inhibited and blow your nose into a hanky, don’t just blow a couple of times and quit. Instead, try following up by shaking your head from side to side while making sounds like "Moofwah!unfunfufnufnfufnfufufushortch!!!, to ensure that you have expelled every last particle of mucus from deep within your maxillary sinuses. It is quite entertaining, especially when performed in the produce aisle at the supermarket.
Additionally, when you are riddled with some horrible mutation of the flu or plague, be sure to keep coming in to work so the rest of us can share your “joy”. I’m sure that as executive assistant to the assistant alternate pencil sharpener, nobody can do your job while you are out. It doesn’t matter that this will result in half the office being miserable and forced to take sick time, so long as your overinflated sense of self importance is satisfied. Don’t forget to play the martyr too, we all must be made to deeply appreciate how incredibly valuable you are and how we could not possibly function without you. NOT
I hereby apologize for my sneezing and coughing. I dread cold season for the following reasons:
I cannot sneeze quietly. I lose all control over my body when I sneeze and the sounds that come out can be frankly horrifying. Ardred covers his ears when I sneeze because they are simply that loud, and I often shriek when I sneeze through no fault of my own, I simply can’t control it. I’ve tried. Hiccups are the same way, big shrieking ALF hiccups. It’s embarassing, frankly.
My coughs, if I try to hold them in or cough quietly turn into coughing fits, where I’m unable to breathe and tears roll down my bright red cheeks until I feel like I will vomit. Luckily, I’ve been able to get them under control before vomiting, for the most part. When I do cough so hard that I vomit, it’s not a pleasant experience for me, either. Trust me.
So, let me apologize for my actions as we head into this cold and flu season, and I hope you won’t think that everyone that is rude when they cough and sneeze is doing it just to piss you off.
My beef isn’t with the coughing or sneezing; I’m a pretty loud sneezer myself. It’s with some of the less desirable behavior that goes along with it. Like making a production out of blowing your nose, or not covering your mouth and nose. And not washing your hands after you cough or sneeze, or at least not using some alcohol gel until you can get to a sink. I don’t care what you do when you’re sick, but I don’t want it, either.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’ve gotta ask.
If you’re about to sneeze and you cover your mouth with your hand, how is it possible that extremely loud, horrifying shrieking results? Are there powerful mini-speakers in your ears that blast out mega-decibel sneeze sounds despite your best efforts?*
Just wondering. :dubious:
*I realize that every once in awhile a sneeze will catch one unawares without a chance to suppress it, but if this is the case all the time, you should consider donating your upper respiratory tract to the appropriate research lab or museum.
This reminds me of a dumb girl I used to work with. Once when she had a cold and was sneezing all over the place, I took it upon myself to remind her that the best place to sneeze is in the crook of your elbow, because, y’know, that way you won’t get germs all over hands and touch people with them and infect them. Whereupon she uttered one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard anyone utter:
“But… then my elbow will be covered in germs!!!”
Come to think of it, I wish she’d stayed home, too. :wally