Are you a parent? If so, I venture that you have Habemus Teenageritis. If you were losing hair instead, Jerkwadicus Matrimoniosis.
When I wake up in the morning, my mouth is dry.
Everything points to a diagnosis of Cottonicus Oralis (the unwashed masses have dumbed this down by calling it “Cotton Mouth” complicated by Snorus Maximus, meaning you sleep with your mouth open and snore at a volume rivaling a sonic boom. The result? Sahara Desert - dry mouth.
Treatment:
People who aren’t asleep usually don’t snore. So, stay awake all the time and you won’t have dry mouth anymore.
And, what do you have, silver1?
Me? I’VE GOT BLISTERS ON MY FINGERS!!!
Interesting - yes, I do have kids, and one’s a teenager.
And my husband is losing hair, so he must be a Jerkwadicus Matrimoniosis.
Er, I mean he has that one. 
Yeah, you know what your problem is. You better stop doing it or you’ll go blind. Don’t you remember anything from seventh-grade health class?
You have Helterus skelterus, from excessive contact with British Invasion bands during their post-psychedelic phase. There is no cure. In fact, the auditory symptoms are rather pleasant (unless your last name is Tate or Labianca).
My symptoms, however, are very unpleasant. I’m stuck in the middle with you.
Clearly, a raging case of forgetfulness.
But my more pressing problem is a twitchy eyelid.
Ah, you must have Flirtus winkonis. Stop trying make with every woman you see, and it should clear right up.
I have hairs on my boobs.
“Trichosis Mammarius” is an invention of the male medical establishment. BE PROUD OF YOUR HAIR.
My hat is too tight.
The only answer to this is that you have hydrocephaly. You can either buy a new hat made out of elastic material so that it can slowly expand along with your waterlogged head, or use an X-Acto knife to cut a small hole in your scalp, so you can insert a straw into it for drainage. You might need suction to get it going, so ask a close friend to suck on the straw a little.
Oh, my breath smelled like Sugar Crisp cereal today. I don’t eat Sugar Crisp.
There are no fewer than 37 things that, when eaten, could make your breath smell like that. Send in $2.50, and I’ll give you a pamplet explaining how to fight this condition.
My corns hurt, and worst of all, I’m late for work.
You have foot blight: (impedamentia detainum). The most common cause of this disease is trying to crush corn kernels with your feel to make juice for wine. Not only do you never get any juice, but the subsequent blisters are prone to infection by the 2-phunki 4-mi socs bacterium. The resultant infection has a myriad of symptoms including: absentmindedness, a craving for inedible foodstuffs (cotton, plastics, Vegemite), tingling between the shoulder blades, fear of the color mauve, and sleeping in.
Lately I’ve found that my kneecaps seem to be sliding around more freely than they used to.
Sorry for the delay, had to look this one up. I can’t be entirely sure but it sounds like a condition I encounted in my travels through the wilds of Edmonton during my post-doc research into the behavioral peculiarities of back-alley felatrices. Under extreme conditions they would suffer a similar complication but it was easily remedied by their kneeling upon a swatch of carpet as opposed to the frozen gutterwash.
I have bad facial scars and an overdeveloped sense of vengence.
Sounds like you got a bad case of Cinimus Repititus, watching a single movie way too many times.
The cure is to change the damn channel every once in a while.
My right arm has a habit of detaching itself from my body and flying around the room. Please help.
Your arm is actually a cleverly disguised guided missile that has had its guidance system scrambled somehow. You could hit it with a hammer to destroy the malfunctioning chips, which will end the problem. However, you’d be pretty much screwed if you came into a situation where you needed a missile.
My left ankle hurts a little today.
Achilles Chafus, usually caused by being chained to the bedpost for prolonged periods. I’d suggest a natural lubricant such as mayonaise, or switching to a studded neck collar.
I have real problems though, the cartilage in my nose is collapsing into my face!
A textbook case of Rafferty Syndrome. Take two of these pills, avoid clowns and jokers, and call me in the morning. 
Hmmm. Sounds like retrorhinal resorbtion, Reorge. Treatment is difficult, so I’d plan on getting used to contacts. If there’s any possibility that you were once a cute black kid, but now resemble an anorexic white woman, you likely have Jackson’s Malaise. Avoid little boys. :eek:
After drinking Natty Boh, the tone of my flatulence makes the neighbor’s automatic garage door operate. Ideas? :o
Stop drinking shitty beer - I suggest something that costs more than $1.99 a six-pack.
At the next MAD-DopeFest, we’ll sample some good beers and correct your problem.
Sounds like an idea for a home business, you just need to do a little fine tuning
I’ve got a problem with being overweight. I’ve tried everything from an all potato chip + cheese diet to refraining from beer for up to twenty minutes striahght. What can I do to reduce the love handles?