It's time for some totally unqualified medical advice!

All right, here’s how the game works: I give a problem I’m having, and the next poster has to diagnose it (with a suitably medical-sounding name) and give a suggested treatment regimen. Then, he or she gives a new problem for the next person. Naturally, this isn’t a serious thread, or it’d get smacked down by the mods. Let’s have some fun!

I have these hairs that grow between my two eyebrows. Is that bad?

Moved from IMHO to MPSIMS.

You are suffering from Unibrow (latin Browis Uninterruptis). Treatment includes waxing, plucking, and “string” treatment. Please take maximum dose of rum and coke before undergoing any of these treatments.

I have ringing in my ears.

Obviously a case of piercitis . Try not to be such an attention whore, and grow up. :smiley:

I have pimples on the underside of my scrotum. :eek:

Stop that or you’ll go blind.

Use some lotion, too. It’s called Scrotomelophelyerself Syndrome.

My head hurts.

I don’t know the name of your condition but I do know that the drug called “Mydicksafloppin” seems to cure it.

Oh, I forgot…I have memory problems.

You don’t have Alzheimers, you just have Someofthetimers.

The toenail just fell off my right big toe.

You have Nailus Interuptii.

Related symptoms consist of lots of whining and sighing, limping and ocasionally muttering, “no, no, I’m fine, really!”

Treatment is lots of sympathy and kisses, until your SO gets so fed up with you that s/he “accidentally” stomps on your toe, which doesn’t actually hurt anymore.

I have a 12 month old daughter, and I’m tired all the time.

Unfortunately, there is no known cure but time. And maybe rum. However, the condition will resolve itself, although the resolution may be a worse condition - called the Teenage Years. You might consider running away from home.

I’ve got these little purple splotches all over my arms and legs - they seem to spring up from the slightest bump.

Quit running through blueberry bushes.

My head hurts, my feet stink, and I don’t love Jesus.

Robin

Take this pill. It’ll knock your headache and your sinuses out. Can’t do anything about the last thing, though.

My stomach’s sounding like trucks shifting on the interstate.

MsRobyn, I’m not surprised to see you here. Your’s is an incurable malady we doctors like to call “Jimmy’s Disease.” Although of tropical origin we see many outbreaks in the northern climates between the months of October and April. As I said there is no cure for JD, but it is often effectivel treated with high doses of rum and/or tequila laced with citrus derivatives.

I am an idiot.

**Governor ** - You appear to be suffering from an extreme case of rectal gigantism. Stop laying down on the highway and pretending to be a tunnel. The trucks will eventually find their way out.

As for me, despite not having had split pea soup in several weeks, I have stuff of the same color coming out of my nose.

You suffer from biposticitis, a common condition where posting coincides with other posts, distrupting the flow of the thread. Take the Preview Post button after long periods of typing.

You suffer from peaboogerism. You need to cut some ham into tiny bits and stuff them up your nose, and leave them there for 20 minutes. Add salt for flavor. And don’t pick at it.

My farts smell like poop.

Not enough inforation for a proper diagnosis. Please follow the chart below:

Do you also have skidmarks in your drawers, bedsheets, sofa, etc?
If yes:
You have dumpii cakedonii. Prescription: toilet paper, use as directed.

If no:
You have assus fullacrapus. Prescription: Enema. Often.

I’ve got half a mind to.

Oh dear, you’re suffering from semicranius formalus which can only be treated by frequent applications of the Straight Dope.

My hair is won’t hold a curl.

Mama Zapa you appear to have a severe case of limpuscurlicus. I suggest you plug in your toaster and practice making toast while sitting in a full tub of water. You should have curls in no time.

My fingernails keep growing out.

You have Scratchus Backus. Find someone willing to let you scratch their back.

My hair is turning gray.

Also known as Psittocoral Cerebrii…

Look it up. I dare you.