For those who don’t know what the term “ghosting” means:
Any “ghosters” want to defend the practice? It seems to me like a cowardly, chickenshit way to break up with someone. How hard is it to write one or two sentences explaining that you are terminating the relationship, and maybe providing some minimal level of explanation?
I don’t want to defend it but I have done it to lots of people and have had it done to me as well. I think it is wrong on some level as well but it is the result of too many conflicting priorities.
I am on Match, Bumble and Tinder. I get about 4 new requests a day among them and I respond to about 20% of them and go out with many of them. That adds up to a whole lot of people in a short time. How many “breakups” do you expect me to do?
I am a 44 year old guy. I can only imagine what it is like if you are an attractive twenty-something woman. I have asked them about it and they often just get overwhelmed to the point of just ignoring their accounts completely. Some of them already found someone and others get creeped out when someone keeps messaging them over and over.
It just gets to be emotionally draining.
I don’t think you need to send a “good bye” message to everyone you ever contact, but just perhaps the ones you have at least one date with. Meeting someone face to face (or I guess, having several IM/email conversations) constitute the beginning of a relationship, so then you owe the person some sort of polite closure.
Even worse are the asshat companies who ghost on job candidates they’ve interviewed. That’s been a “thing” for a few years now and it’s extremely annoying.
I’ve ghosted groups accidentally. One day you decline an invite because you’re busy. Another time you decline because your schedule is just stacked and if you don’t say know you won’t see a pillow for 36 hours. The next time you don’t go because you’re just bone tired. The next thing you know, you haven’t seen these people for six months and it’s kind of awkward to just show up. So you’ve ghosted them. Not entirely intentionally, but you’ve done it.
If it’s someone that would have a reasonable expectation of response and contact, then yes, it’s wrong, IMO. Treating people like dirt is wrong, barring good reason for cutting off all contact (like that they mistreated you in some way).
On the other hand: I’ve kind of sworn off formal good-byes in the internet age because I’ve seen so many people go through the whole farewell thing and then show up again three weeks later. There also seem to be the obligatory “don’t leave us - we love you!” rants. I hate that scene, so I’ve avoided it unless I absolutely knew I was moving on.
On the other hand, if I date someone once or twice and decide it’s just not happening, you bet they at least get a text. Leading people on and ghosting them is just barbarous.
I get ghosted so often people just call me Casper.
Anyone else remember “Ka-Lonk?” The sound of something hitting the bottom of a trash-can.
At damned least, the guy deserves that much. And if there was any kind of real relationship, then a reasonable amount of serious explanation is absolutely due.
I’ve never ghosted anyone…but I do confess to having “drifted slowly away,” answering mail less and less frequently, until, one sad day, I just don’t reply at all.
(Memo: got some old friends to poke!)
A long term relationship? Sure, ghosting is rude. But a couple of dates, no way. I got sick of guys trying to talk me into continuing the relationship when I gave them the courtesy of an official “break up” (inasmuch as you can break up with someone you’ve seen less than a handful of times).
I realize this makes me old-fashioned, but in these types of situations I consider how I would feel if I were on the receiving end of the ghosting. If I would feel wronged if I was ghosted, then I make sure to provide at least a 'so long I am moving on" email. It takes very little of your time to provide this small courtesy and the most unexpected people have a way of showing up in your life at a later date, say, for example, interviewing you for a job. Why burn bridges?
I spent several months with someone (a great summer) and a great Saturday (last day) with them, only for ghosting to start on that Sunday. A complete and utter ghosting, so severe and so odd that I had to find her sister’s Facebook page and hope to see a public-shared post that showed all was normal in their world (so I could deduce that her sister was not dead).
Ghosting is wrong, and not all wrongs are illegal.
It’s wrong.
I say ghosting is okay when a relationship really hasn’t formed yet.
Let’s say you bump into an old classmate. You give them your business card just to be polite. Now suddenly you’re getting texts from this person every day. At first you text back, but you eventually realize there’s no chemistry there. And there never will be.
Are you obligated to tell them you don’t want to do “this”? I guess doing so would be more honest, but I can’t see how it would be less hurtful than ignoring the texts and letting the person figure out all on their own what’s up.
(Maybe ghosting wouldn’t be such a thing if it was acceptable for people to say “this isn’t going to work out” in an impersonal way. Imagine if you could send someone a Hallmark card that expressed this sentiment in a sugary-sweet way.)
I agree that it is wrong to ghost someone you’ve established as a friend or a lover.
There oughta be l law about that!
My counterargument: I’m not ghosting them. I may resume contact at some time in the indeterminate future. I’m just not communicating with them for now.
Agreed. It’s a little disturbing when they just. Don’t. Get. The. Hint.
I’d still thing a break-up text is in order. You’re within your rights to block them if they get clingy, though.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not replying after 1 or 2 dates. It gets more context sensitive the more dates there are beyond 2.
Unless, of course, the person did something inappropriate, in which case they are owed nothing.
I’ve ghosted a friend before. I got quite sick for a few weeks, then he went on a couple-week vacation, and then a few months later I realized that our weekly game nights had never resumed, I was in a different routine, and making contact again after so long seemed like it would be awkward. And so that was that.
As someone on the receiving end of ghosting, my mind races trying to figure out what the hell is going wrong. I wonder if I did something to offend the other person. Or the person is sick/injured/dead. Are they just really busy? If she’s busy I should just wait a few days and try contacting her again. Did she just decide we’re not a good match? The ambiguity drives me absolutely nuts.
Absolutely. Something like this should become a new social norm. Not a hallmark card, but maybe a special emoji that symbolizes “I think you’re a swell guy, but we’re not girlfriend/boyfriend material and I’d like to move on.”
How the hell would it not be?! All you’ve done is prolong the time it takes to figure things out. You’re giving them false hope. So it hurts even more, for a longer period of time.
Since it’s early on, the pain is really low if you just get it over with. And, yes, I realize that doing it in person may allow them to beg you and make you uncomfortable. But it’s just been a few dates: Do it via text or over the phone. Say “Sorry, but it just didn’t seem to work out. I hope you find someone for you” and hang up, and block them.
I’ve ghosted someone before. And for a while I was constantly worried I’d run into her and have to explain. Someone ghosted me in college. And, guess what? I did run into her, and I wound up crying in front of her, after she did tell me. Had she told me when I called a week ago, I wouldn’t have been all that upset. I’ve had people decline before and I don’t remember them specifically at all, but this one person sticks in my head.
So please, please, stick with honesty. Protect yourself, of course. Do it from a distance, for all I care. But let them know.
Sure, maybe you’ll get off not having to say anything. And maybe you can tell yourself you were being less hurtful. But you weren’t, and if they see you again, you may find out exactly how much you hurt them.
Do you know where ghosting, as the concept we now understand, originated? Women on the internet, talking to a few different men on various dating apps, gets closer to one guy and tries to politely break it off with the other. Y’know, the way they’ve been taught and socialized. Only to find a disturbingly high number of those contacts get kind of aggressive. Everything from, ‘Well, you don’t know what you’re missing!’ And then, when they can’t make headway, move on to calling her a cunt, etc. So women learned to just ghost instead. From there it just became much more common. That’s my understanding of where it sort of originated. Not defending it, just think it’s and interesting piece of the puzzle to understand is all.
My high school best friend ghosted me during my senior year of nightmares, so I’m not inclined to think of it charitably. If you have a close relationship with someone it’s a horrible thing to do to someone. His reason, which I found out years later, was impossibly stupid. He didn’t like my boyfriend. He turned it into such a grudgematch that six years later he still hated me. The whole experience was devastating, like a death.
On the flip side, I ghosted my biological father. I thought about calling him and explaining the reason I never wanted to see him again, but a friend of mine, whom I trust, said it was better to just let it go. He called exactly one time wondering where the hell I was and I haven’t heard from him since. I think I had a pretty good reason and I also think he knows that.
Generally, it’s hard to tell someone you don’t really like them and don’t want to hang out with them. There’s an argument to be made that it’s crueler to be honest with an acquaintance than just sort of be unavailable, at which point they can make up some totally unpersonal reason why you aren’t responding to them. But I would never ignore someone who was asking, ''Why aren’t you responding?" directly. If they care enough to ask, they deserve something.
One of my best friends recently was divorced by his wife, who I never wanted to admit that I never really liked, and she intially sent a bunch of texts about how she doesn’t want our friendship to suffer over it. I don’t ignore her texts but I don’t reach out to her, either. She appears to be in a state of adolescence and only texts me when she wants immediate emotional crisis support. I try to help her when she asks for help, but I don’t think she really gives a damn about me.