… would a woman respond with a nice reply to an initial message, then just stop responding completely? And a REAL initial reply, paragraphs long, not “you’re not my type” or “you’re too far away” etc. Those would’ve been fine; that’s the way this works, after all. But sending an actual message that was interesting and personal, (and gave no indication she wasn’t interested) and then going completely silent just fucks with my head. Or even writing me back multiple times, THEN going quiet. Why bother replying at all, if she wasn’t interested? (These are somewhat rhetorical questions; note which forum this is in.)
Not sure what to make of this. Does it happen to other guys very often? It has nothing to do with my appearance, as my profile has my picture on it. This has happened twice in a row now.
Twice in a row, you say? Not once, but two times? It’s almost like it’s a conspiracy of bi…nope, not going to go there. “It’s complicated.”
Seriously, you’re going to need to grow a thicker skin if you want to pursue online dating, because you are going to run into some of the real dregs of humanity where there is zero accountability or reason to demonstrate respect and courtesy. You’re going to run into fivty-year-old twenty-five-year-olds, women who are 250 pounds of eight stone, women who have no children (living at home because the five kids she has had with four different men are all in foster care), single women who are still seeing the jerk whom they have a TRO out on, sober women who will drink your wallet under the table, and just flat out pathological narcissists.
Hey, be thankful you’re not a women. Then you’d be getting all the above, plus ‘dick pics’ randomly texted to your phone by some guy you thought was kind of cute and nice at the bar last Saturday, or maybe from churck on Sunday.
Good luck to you, and by luck I mean, try to maintain a degree of sanity and composure the fifth time in a row you get stood up for dinner.
Probably Bo-Jack Horseman or Mr. Peanutbutter. I mean, not to be speciest, but really, who wants to be seen on a date with a Lizard. They’re so cold and slow moving.
Or her mom died and she’s to devastated to date, or work is crazy, or she’s on vacation, or she decided she’s sick of online dating, or after some soul searching she’s decided she prefers women, or one of her kids is having legal issues, or she went back to church and found Jesus.
It could be hundreds of things and from now till Kingdom Come the only thing you can count on in your existence is never understanding why.
She’s talking to more than just you. Then, assuming it wasn’t something you said*, she likely hit it off with another person and went out with them. A lot of people, when moving from online to IRL (or moving from meeting someone IRL to becoming more serious with them) will cease communications with anyone else they’re been talking to.
They’re can be a number of reasons. If they’re done, they’re done and what difference does it really make to them if you’re still sitting there waiting; They don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings (at least not directly); They’re not sure about the future with the person they’re meeting so they left it open. Then if they show back up in a week or three they can jump right back in where they left off, or at least attempt to.
I’ve had a few conversations that were going really well and then…nothing. In one case she told me her grandmother had suddenly passed away so she wasn’t going to be online for the next few days/week until all of that was sorted out. A few days later she pops up on my facebook feed. She had started dating one of my FB friends.
But in the end, ghosting is just part of the current dating culture. You have to work under the assumption that if you don’t hear from someone for a few days and/or they don’t reply to a message, they’re just not that into you. They’ve moved on and you have to to. It’s going to happen over and over.
The other times, even some of the times that we hit it off IRL on a first date, then nothing, I assume it’s them just going on those last few dates before committing to one person, just to make sure.
I think that’s what’s throwing me. I’ve done plenty of online dating, going almost back to the 1990s. But “ghosting” is a relatively recent thing. And it is INCREDIBLY RUDE. I don’t care how common it is. It is not something I would ever do to someone, when a text or email that says “Sorry, no dice” is about as non-confrontational as life gets. This hasn’t happened to me this way before, so it just seemed really nuts.
Perhaps if we stop accepting rude behavior so casually, it will stop being so common? I sense a new thread coming on.
Because probably 50% of guys would respond to a message like that with “WHYYYYYY? What’s wrong with me?!?! I’m awesome!” and the other 50% would reply “well fuck you then, you stuck up bitch.”
A woman has nothing to gain with letting you know “no thanks.”
Personally, if we’ve only had one or two dates and especially if we’ve had no dates, I don’t consider it rude. I guess it [being ghosted] doesn’t bother me that much. I think the trick is to not get overly invested too early.
I was out with someone once and we talked about exactly that. At one point she mentioned that she replied so every message she gets, even if it’s just to say thanks but no thanks. I told her not only did she not have to do that but it’s why people continue to message her. She asked if guys consider a ‘no’ to be a challenge. I don’t think that’s the case, I think it’s a response. When you get a very small percentage of replies to initial messages, anything is better than nothing. Ignore it, and they’ll just move on. Reply, even to say no thanks, and you get the ‘whyyyy’ or ‘bitch’ or even ‘okay, well, do you just want to go out some night as friends’ etc. IOW, even if the person you turn down isn’t being nasty about it, it’s going to turn into a conversation with someone you’re not interested in.
I split from my first wife in 2010 and tried online dating for several years. I encountered more weird behaviours in that period of time than I thought existed.
Got along fine online and vanished? Sure, many times. Dude, that was the LEAST weird thing I encountered.
Epically wonderful first date and never saw her again? Totally happened.
Seemingly great lady online and when she showed up she smelled like a garbage fire? Sure!
Suddenly went berzerk after Date 3 and called me in tears saying her ex had returned from Nashville? Glad she didn’t have my address.
I didn’t think the date went well at all and she was devastated I didn’t want to see her again? Yup!
Seemingly forgot 75% of the things I’d told her about me in the 24 hours between making the date and going on it? You bet!
There is something about the oddity of online dating that leads to connections that just don’t work at a logical level.
Then in May 2013 I met this lady. Nothing about the date seemed significantly more promising than a dozen dates before. We went for coffee. Then a beer. We were in love in two weeks and were inseparable. Married a year and a half ago.
Both common. I was talking to one girl, we set up a day to meet but not the time/place. I emailed her to ask what time she wanted to meet. I didn’t hear from her until 9 that night with an excuse. I asked if she wanted to meet tommorow night. Same thing, she replied late that night (‘tomorrow night’) to say it wouldn’t work. I tried to set up something later in the week and she picked a fight with me. I still remember, somewhere in the middle of that she said ‘you’re the one that chose not to communicate with me’. When I felt myself about to say ‘uhhh, I asked you what time you wanted to meet at and you never replied’, I was done. The next thing I got from her was an email saying it wasn’t going to work.
Best I can come up with is that she was screwing around with me from the beginning or, more likely, she was mad that I wasn’t mad that she broke a bunch of dates. She actually accused me of not being upset enough about it. I was plenty annoyed, but I’m not going to lash out at someone online for breaking a date.
It’s not that odd when you consider that online dating is basically picking your ideal person off of a Chinese restaurant menu sight unseen and then being suprised that the egg rolls are soggy, the dipping sauce is bland, and the lo mein is too greasy, especially when you toss it out in frustration and grab some sushi rolls from the convenience store down the block that turns out to be the most amazing meal you’ve ever had despite the fact that you’ve never tried sushi before. It might make you sick the next morning, but at least you weren’t set up to believe you were getting the most amazing Guangdong cuisine when it was really bad Westernized Szechuan, and has even convinced you to give phó a try. Heck, you might even give those little herrings the Germans like so much a shot.
I had a point when I began this but it has since escaped like a cockroach at the filthiest greasy spoon in Chinatown.
When I was last single I tried a couple dating sites. One gal in particular had a listing that made me go hmmm. I sent her a message, she replied. I sent another. Nothing. 6 months later I see she has signed up on a different site. I sent a short message. As they say, the rest is history. We met at a Starbucks, married a year and a half later and have been married over 5 years.
That one I can kinda understand. I don’t always have a great memory on the boards of who has posted what details about their personal life. Something about text and usernames just isn’t as vivid to me as meeting someone in person. After I’ve met someone, when I have the experience of spending time with them, the things I learn about them have an association and a memory they can attach to. It’s hard to explain; I’m always a little bit amazed at how well some posters here can remember things that others have shared.
I haven’t run into that problem with online dating because it’s rare that I correspond with more than one woman at a time. But if women on dating sites are as swamped with messages as I’ve heard, I could understand if they can’t keep all the details straight.
That’s true, and good advice. However, that is not what happened to me. They actually wrote back, and not just one or two lines, either.
Best advice yet. Seriously though … I thought all that weird behavior you described wouldn’t really apply to dating at my age now (I’m 42). Good god … it doesn’t get better?!
I liked this if for no other reason than it couldn’t work in a TV show where that first date would have *had *to be extremely good or bad but certainly not routine. and yet, here you are
I don’t believe this for a second. You’re essentially saying that all men are either rude whiny monsters or rude aggressive monsters. But even if it were true, ghosting wouldn’t prevent it. A jerk who responds rudely or aggressively to polite rejection will also respond rudely or aggressively to being ignored.
Welll, men always listen when women share their experiences, so I feel 100% confident that you’ll accept my response that indeed, it absolutely happens just as Whiskey Dickens describes.
Seriously though … I thought all that weird behavior you described wouldn’t really apply to dating at my age now (I’m 42). Good god … it doesn’t get better?!