(bolding mine)
I’m a little confused. Are you male or female? I guess it doesn’t really matter, but that kinda tripped me up while I was reading your OP.
Sorry about your neighbor. How people like that cannot see that they themselves are the evil ones is a mystery that has always baffled me.
“Always do right. This will please your friends and annoy your enemies.” – Mark Twain.
The best way to fry the bitch is to continue along happily as if nothing had ever happened. You’d make her day if you confronted her, because obviously what she WANTS is turmoil and dissent. That’s why she told your mom in the first place.
I’m guessing Samantha is another friend. Samantha said she had met the OP’s mom, since Fervour and the SO live on the mom’s property I doubt they would need to mention that.
I’ll go with that, I guess. I figured Samantha to be the SO, since the OP just threw her in there like we were supposed to know who she was.
I thought everyone knew Samantha (she prefers ‘Sam’ actually), sort of like Tom on Myspace.
Don’t bother confronting “the bitch.” Nothing you say will make the slightest dent in her. The only way you can fluster her will be to continue to have a loving relationship with your mother.
hmmmm… Amanda Tapping…
I 2nd (or 8th) the idea that Mrs C is looking forward to you coming round to tell her off. Don’t give her the satisfaction.
If she see’s you having a good relationship with your mum it’s going to make her blood boil. On the other hand telling her off now might stop her stiring things up again when your mum doesn’t kick you out.
You’ll have to judge that one as I don’t know anyone quite as evil as Mrs C sounds.
He guides tours & also speaks to Israeli gov’t functionaries as the leader of the anti-Semitic group “Christians United for Israel”.
To the OP, I think your Mom figured it out long ago & probably decided to just love you & leave whatever else up to God. She also probably knows how evil Bitch is & while she’s concerned enough to bring it up to your brother, apparently doesn’t feel the need to get all up in your face about it.
If you do see Bitch, be extra-sweet to her. That’ll rankle her no end!
The very first thing I thought was: the best way to hurt this bitch is to let her see you and your mother in a happy, loving relationship… exactly like the one she doesn’t have with her own kids.
It also helps your mom to see the good in you and your SO opposing the rotten hate in the bitch; let the kind and loving actions of the gay couple speak louder than the hateful words of the bitch. It might say something bigger to her about those she follows in her faith.
As others have said, what the bitch wants is to cause turmoil and strife in others around her, and to ruin others’ happiness. If you haul off on the bitch, it gives your mom a reason to feel defensive about her conflicted feelings and her “friends” and will potentially backfire on your relationship with your mom.
I say both you and your SO should go out of your way to treat your mom with kindness and respect and love, and let her think about it all. If anything, let the bitch see how well you (and your SO) treat your mom and each other. Be sure she sees you being good people and being loved and appreciated by those in your life.
I gotta admit though, dropping her a quiet note with scriptures about gossip and beams in one’s eye would feel pretty good…
There are so many possibilities of why your mother hasn’t said anything yet from she’s still in shock and doesn’t know how to deal with to she is perfectly fine with it, so long as you’re happy. Don’t try to guess her motivations (or possible lack thereof) just act normally. Things will work themselves out.
Many perfectly wonderful Christians listen to vile scum thinking that they are worth listening to – your mother sounds like she understands the concept of a grain of salt, I wouldn’t worry too much. Who knows, maybe she is praying for you to become un-homosexual while still accepting you as a person? Who cares, she loves you, that much is obvious.
As for the bitch (and really, could we change the name to the cunt? Seriously, being a bitch isn’t an insult, unless you’re muslim nowdays, ya know?) – I am going to tell you what I tell my kids when confronted with people like that (my MIL is one of those): For a person to be that vile, hateful and poisonous, you should realise that they are miserable. Those people hate themself far more than they could ever hate you or than you could hate them. Do not go near her. Do not let her poison your world – let her wallow in her vile self-loathing cesspool without dragging you into it. So what if she thinks you’re going to Hell? Chit, if she’s the type that will be in Heaven, do you really want to go there?
All in all, I know you want to deal with her. Shit, I would like to have a nice Christian talk with the woman and I don’t even know you! It’s really in your best interest all around to just avoid the bullshit, though. If/when your mother is ready to talk about it, talk about and reassure her that you are still the same little boy who told her she was the most beautiful woman in the world – you know you did when you were little – and that you are happy and at peace with your god. She is a mother and wants her child to be happy and, being Christian, to go to Heaven. Remind her that the Christian god requires that you accept him into your heart to be saved. Not a single one of the 10 commandments says chit about homosexuality. If one actually reads the Bible, one realises that being homosexual is no greater sin than pre-marital sex or birth control. Hell, if it’s a mortal sin, the JW’s might be right and only a handful of people will actually make to Heaven!
Good luck, whatever path you choose, but keep us updated, mmmkay?
Get a t-shirt with “Matthew 7:5” printed on it.
(For those of you who, like me, had to look it up, that’s the verse that says, “Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.”)
(Matthew 7:2 might also be good. “For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.”)
Another one for this approach. Live your life well, do no wrong. Live every moment in that place a of peace, knowing that you are who you were made to be.
People like Ms. C hate themselves and the world. They constantly seek reasons to hate, reasons to make themselves feel superior to others…in a vain attempt to fill the horrific hole in their souls. Don’t pity her, don’t hate her, don’t give in to her demands for attention. Because that’s what she wants - to be at the center of the storm - to be the allegedly superior one. And she’s going to get that false sense of power by hurting you, by making you do things, by goading you into action and then saying “See? She’s a (insert nasty insult here)! I told you! I was right! God (insert hateful comment here) blah blah blah”.
Which for five minutes, will justify her pain.
Don’t be a part of that cycle, whether through action or pity.
Better yet, spray paint that shit across the side of her house.
I second this, with said gift wrapped in lovely lavender paper and a note attached thanking her for the opportunity to share even greater things with your mom. All Christians should be so helpful to nurture happy, open relationships. 
Make sure to sign the note from you and your partner.
(I’m guessing your Mom is of the ‘as long as I don’t have to hear about it’ school of acceptance. That’s fine, I’ve never told my mother I have sex with my husband - I’m pretty sure she figured it out when I got pregnant, but until then was happy to pretend I was still a virgin after two marriages and several boyfriends.)
Guides tours in the Christian areas of Bethlehem and Jerusalem, presumably. IME, it’s not hard to spend a week or so in Jerusalem while hardly making any contact with 2 of the 3 major Abrahamic religions (although everyone I met there really was very nice, and couldn’t seem to give a toss who or what you were as long as you returned the courtesy). I doubt the average Israeli has any idea who John Hagee is, anyway, although I don’t have any facts to back that up.
As for the OP, is it possible that your mother isn’t really in denial about it? I’m an advocate for LGBT teenagers by trade, and sometimes I find that the parents know the truth long before their children come out, and kind of wish they would come out so they could all move on. One guy I know, a friend of the family, is 20 years old and a real closet case–mortally afraid of what his parents will think if he tells them he’s gay. The reality is that his parents have known since before he knew and they really wish he would bring it up so they could tell him how supportive and understanding they are about it.
This has been the biggest key in going up against bigotry for me, and IME it’s one of the few things that has the power to bring fence-sitters closer to accepting and even supporting you. While volunteering for marriage equality recently, I was bitched out by the anti-gay folks any number of times, and all I had to do was to be perfectly polite in return. Any onlookers (and sometimes even the gay-bashers) would walk away going, “Wow, that guy was a real dick, but those marriage equality people were actually really nice. Maybe they’re not God-hating sinners after all.”
Well I drank a lot last night. I thought of everything that you guys had posted up to that point. I woke up at 3AM and drank a bit more. Then I woke up at about 9:40AM. I went to see my mom and explained away my hangover to readjusting to the different time zone.
Since the preponderance of opinion was to let it go, I had decided to let it go. Not because I felt it, but because if you ask for advice and get good advice and don’t take it —well that says a lot about you. I was still rehearsing the confrontation that I wasn’t going to have. Then it struck me what I had intended to say to my neighbor. One line I had rehearsed was, “There is nothing about you that I like. There is nothing that I want or need from you.” And I realized that was true. There REALLY is nothing that I want or need from this woman. So I let it go. I will sleep tonight without alcohol. I’ll let that go too.
I was still contemplating my course of action. It occurred to me much of what I had intended to say to my neighbor, if I removed the vitriol I could use in a conversation with my mom. My mom had had movie night with the neighbor last night --even as I was drinking— so it would be fairly easy to bring her up as a topic.
If I’ve rambled a bit, let me summarize: 1) I drank too much. 2) Got up late for me. 3) Went to Mother’s 4) Intended to create an atmosphere that would lead to conversation. I asked Mom if she wanted to go for a walk. We live on a beautiful dirt road. When the weather is right, there is nothing more enjoyable than walking on this road. But it was 10:00AM in south Alabama in June. The temperatures were already approaching the 90s. I didn’t think that she would accept the invitation. She did. Although it was hot there was a pleasant breeze and the road was shaded.
I opened the conversation with a “How was movie night?” My mom said it was fine and told me about what they watched.
I asked her, “When was the last time that Suzie, Brenda, or Jill visited Mrs. C?” These three ladies are the unfortunate children of Mrs. C.
Mom said, “I don’t know.” You may recall from the OP, My SO and I have lived in the barn for eight months. I know they haven’t visited in that time frame. Mrs. C. didn’t even have a place to go for the holidays. My mom invited her over. It’s not like Mrs. C’s children live far away. Well one of them does but you see where I’m going.
I said, “I don’t think they like her very much. I think they love her, but I don’t think that they like her. Do you?”
I don’t know if my mom answered the question. Honestly I don’t think she did, but I may not have been listening as I was formulating my next tack. I said, “I think it’s because she’s judgemental and hurtful.”
My mom gave me a look which I interpretted to be, “Please elaborate. Where are you going with this conversation.”
I continued, “There are none of us who are perfect. I don’t want to appear judgemental. I just think it’s sad that her children don’t like her. She lives alone with a dog. I don’t know if she can change. With God all things are possible. So on a hopeful note, it’s possible. Viewing it through sheer objectivity it doesn’t seem possible. She doesn’t have to be alone.”
I’m going to abbreviate the conversation. It is my opinion that the teaching of Jesus are quite similar to philosophies of humanists. I lean humanist. I chose to couch my beliefs in Jesus-speak. Ideologically my mom and I are quite similar. We had a moment of togetherness. She said some things that made me sad for her and I felt I should try to address them.
She said, “I am believing God for total healing for Steve.” Steve is my younger brother with Down’s Syndrome.
I said, " I think it’s great that you are believing for Steve’s healing, but I’d like to say something. . ." I was pausing for the right words. I said, “I too would like to see Steve display mental clarity. But if he never does change–if he stays just the way he is, it’s not a failure on your part or God’s. I think Steve is worth a lot more than my cats, but hear me out. In the same way that my cats have value though they provide nothing for me so does Steve. Steve’s value is not tied to some notion of GDP—gross domestic product. Steve’s value is in the fact the he is a living breathing loving human.”
She said, “that’s true. And if he doesn’t get healed in this life, maybe he will in some other.” I agreed.
We walked a bit more and talked about how Love was the most important thing and how being hurtful wasn’t profitable.
She then said, “There’s a rumor going around the community that you and [SO] are living the gay lifestyle. I don’t believe it. I believe the best for you and [SO]. Is that the sort of hateful thing that you were talking about that Mrs. C says?” Well at this point I am processing this information fast and formulating a response. I’m glad I had walked off my hangover and my mind was actually pretty acute. A quick parse of what she said to me meant, “I love you and [SO] but I was fine with things the way they were prior to Mrs. C’s meddling.”
I said, “No, that’s not exactly what I was talking about. I was thinking about when she told Charles as he was dying of cancer that it was because of his sin–and when she told Julie still grieving the loss of Bill that it was her fault----but you’ve given me a lot to think about.” —Because I had to feign shock at her reveal, you know.
My mom said, “She told Julie it was her fault that Bill drowned?!?!??”
I said, “Yes, I thought you knew.”
She said, “I hadn’t heard that. How exactly did that happen?”
I said, “Well I don’t see any profit in talking about it. Really I don’t know that much about it----”
“You’re right. Let’s drop it,” she said. Then we talked about lunch and walked home.
The funny thing is I don’t know that much about when Mrs. C told Julie that it was her fault that Bill drowned. I found that out just yesterday. I had a little false humility there, of which I repent, but I was sure glad that I had found out that little tidbit. It made sequeing out of the rumor stuff and the philosophy fairly easy.
edited to correct punctuation --but I probably missed a few other ,'s .'s and such.
“living the gay lifestyle”.
You never did address the issue with her, so either it will continue to come up, over and over until you do, or it will be the invisible elephant in the corner that everyone throws a tablecloth over and attempts to ignore.
Next time this comes up, you need to come clean. That “gay lifestyle” thing might be the real problem for her, considering the propaganda she’s been subjected to, so you should address it. Maybe she thinks you’re secretly off marching in rallies, sleeping with every woman you meet, seducing children… god knows what else she’s been taught to believe the “gay lifestyle” is all about.
“Mom, I -am- gay. But I’m curious as to what you think this “gay lifestyle” is all about.”
And really, let her know that you’re not hiding anything from her, you’re not living any dark secret, you’re not any different, nor WILL you be any different in the future, than the daughter she already knows. That the only difference between the life you were living yesterday, or last month; and the life you’ll be living next month if everyone in the world knows you are gay; would be the need for both her and you to deal with the negative crap of people like Mrs. C.
I think you handled it beautifully. I assume you were paving the way for any future discussions.
I’ll share a family story for if this should never arise. My husband’s cousin is gay and lived with his partner for many years. Great Aunty Gwen (born c 1900) would refer to the partner as “Richard’s friend” and when Richard’s friend contracted AIDS and died he was “very sick” and “Richard looked after him wonderfully”. Great Aunty Gwen died aged ninety-something never having openly acknowledged gay. Yes, she was wrong and sure there’ll be a barrage of comments about how she should have been out there on the gay pride parents’ float and handing out educational leaflets at the retirement home, but hey, that’s not how it was and hey, she did her limited best in maintaining a good relationship with her son as top priority.
To sum up, in 2008, you shouldn’t have to compromise. Kudos to you for bending like the willow.
For clarification.
I am am a gay male. SO (Significant Other), Samantha (good friend).
I think the confusion arose when I went to rewrite the original post and add a name to my friend. Originally I had said "my good friend said “I met your mom—yada yada yada” I thought my whole post had too many pronouns without antecedents and it was getting confusing. I took out where I had explained that Samantha was my good friend inadvertently and introduced confusion. Sorry.
Chimera, I recognize that the issue wasn’t really addressed. I’m not sure that it will come up unless Mrs. C. forces the issue. But I am in a good frame of mind and can handle it. I think mom “knows”. I think she chooses to live the way it was. My mom easily messes up her words and will often say something innocent in an awkward way.
