I think I love you. 
fervor, I read about the ‘barn’ y’all live in (another thread) and I love the concept.
Anyway, I thought I’d pass along a little ‘funny’ in the same vein as what Lok and neutron star shared.
When my kids were little I assured them that their sexual orientation was a personal matter, and that I didn’t care which side of the fence they fell on. I used to tell my son “it’s OK to be gay”. Years later he said that I assured him a little too much - that sometimes it made him wonder if I wanted him to be gay. 
We laugh about it now.
Cool!
You’re a chick, right? 'Cause otherwise that’s totally against God and stuff.
Totally know that feeling. Returning to school after he died was an ordeal because of the “we’ve got a half orphan on Aisle 3” odd looks and a couple of teachers who actually felt compelled to make an announcement in class that “Jon lost his father last week” (sphincter closing- ironically the ‘snark’ from students I’d never liked bothered me less than the ‘competetive compassion’ from students I’d usually been neutral to). What I really wanted was just to “let’s pretend everything’s exactly the way it was”, and since I was a bit of class clown (not exactly, but for concise we’ll go with that description) really REALLY poor taste jokes (some of them quite good I have to say) was one of the few ways of dealing with it.
(e.g.
Teacher: Jon I just heard about your daddy. Where was he buried?
Me: Lebanon Cemetery, but that was over a week ago so the good parts are probably all taken.
[result: wide eyed look from teacher and subject dropped forever])
One of my least favorite things to hear when a loved one dies is “I know what you’re going through…my own {whatever the relationship} died {X amount of time} ago”. I smile somberly and thank them of course, but while thinking “No, you don’t, and I don’t know what you went through when your’s died, so just say ‘my sympathies’ and move on.”. Personal loss is probably our most John Donne refuting “every[one] is an island” moments.
They are about some things, not so much about others. But I sometimes think they are still not sure about me. Every family member that has seen my screensaver (which rotates through different pictures) on my desktop has mentioned when they see the hot models in swimsuits that occasionally show up. They seem to have a problem with the idea that I like looking at them.
About “Bitch”, an interesting revenge could be had simply and cheaply. I did something very similar to a boss I had many years ago who was a similar religious nut and totally malicious hypocrite.
Arrange some chicken bones in a circle of salt on a black piece of cloth (or something similarly occultish) and a photo of her or of her house or whatever and somehow place it where she’ll find it when she’s visiting your mom (or under her car while she’s visiting- or at church or in a public place even). I don’t believe in voodoo or anything like of course, but people who believe in Hagee and other downright shamanistic ministers tend to be incredibly superstitious and actually believe in satanic cults and the like and the notion she’s been cursed will fuck with her good. The insane fundie closet lesbian boss I tried this with damned near had heart failure. (Not proud of it, bu… well, actually I kinda am- didn’t do anything illegal or unethical but got revenge for her malicious backstabbing by using her own warped weltanschaung against her.) 
Put brown sugar in a brown bowl. Put a brown candle in the sugar and let it burn down on her porch. Cast the remains on her porch. Repeat three days. She’ll go away.
According to a scroll I picked up at The Voodoo Museum about 15 years ago. 
Just googled:
A little different from what I remember.
Now that’s funny! And it would definitely freak her out. It’s not my nature though. I don’t know if it’s a curse or a blessing but I can’t keep my ire up for long. After a few days (that is if it hasn’t affected my life), I’m , “What was that all about?” But I gotta admit, you’re idea would get to her.
I can’t add anything much to the advice given except to say don’t waste any energy on the neighbor. Some people aren’t worth the effort it takes to conjur a thought about them.
I do recall very fondly when my brother came out to my parents. My mother was completely OK with it to the point of “Yeah, so…are you going to clean your room or not?” My father, ever the laconic, said, “That has to be the worst kept secret in the history of the world.”