I've done a bad thing.

I got stuck on a call about 8:30. About 9, I realized I had to take a dump and was kinda doing this pace/jump thing around my office to hold it in. About 20 minutes ago, I finally got off and ran to the restrooms. I dropped, for lack of a better descriptive term, a monster load. It felt so good. Then I finished it off with a good leak(too much information?). By the way, when you have to go bad enough, a good piss is better than an orgasm. That’s probably up for debate, but it belongs in a new thread. Anyway, I finish my business and flush. As I was washing my hands, I heard something and looked over to find water pouring out onto the floor. Yep, I clogged it. I dried my hands real quick and ran to my office, where I sit here telling you this. Nobody saw me. Nobody can prove anything, because I’m pretty sure I don’t work with any of you. I feel bad, though, because now some guy has to come and clean that crap up. But, I feel good at the same time because I don’t have to. That, and I’m kinda proud. I mean, that was a really good dump and I’m sure whoever cleans up will appreciate that fact, right? Is that wrong? Not much point to this, just thought I’d share.

What a co-inky-dink
I just went to the toilet in my office and someone left a MONSTER LOAD in the bowl…freekin’ water everywhere…

And you thought you didn’t work with anybody who was a Doper.

I’m telling the boss.

Congrats, Aglarond, on a monumental achievement. Nothing boosts the male ego like a good toilet-clogging. Remember, no one saw you do it and you’re relatively sure you don’t work with anyone on the SDMB, so no one can prove a damn-

Hey! What’s all this water doing in here? Awwww, gross man! There’s little chunks of turd floating in it. Who would do such a thing?!?!?! Oh the humanity!

:stuck_out_tongue:

Where’s Zette when you need her?

I DO NOT want to hear that story again.

I’ve never had that happen to me in my entire life. I will swear that 'till the day I die. That thread was started by “Bette”, my evil, evil twin. I would never do something like flood the toilet and run.

Zette

PS- Aglorand- Congrats on the quick escape. We should all be so lucky!
Bette

You may have all seen this before, but I find it quite apropos:

20 Ways To Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stallmate

  1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a highlighter?”
  2. Say, “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t have put my lips on that.”
  3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
  4. Say, “Damn, this water’s cold.”
  5. Drop a marble and say, “Oh shit! My glass eye!”
  6. Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”
  7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a
    cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
  8. Say, “Now how did that get there?”
  9. Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”
  10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, “Whoa! Easy boy!”
  11. Say, “Interesting… more floaters than sinkers.”
  12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,“Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?”
  13. Say, “C’mon Mr… Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me.”
  14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccini Alfredo you had for breakfast.
  15. Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggot.”
  16. Say, “Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?”
  17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
  18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your “Cross-Dressers Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
  19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”
  20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free.”

Oh, sheesh, psycat, I’ve seen those before but they make me laugh every time!!

don’t hate me for this

2000 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work

We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. We’ve all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below.
As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the 2000 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURG leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

CRACK WHORE
Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don’t forget, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN

Psycat’s list reminded me of something else that happened a few months ago. I was going to go take a leak, and went up to the urinal. Before I got a chance to pee, I hurt this loud grunt come from one of the stalls. He sounded like he was in some kind of pain. I was going to offer to go get him some help, but I have this thing about talking or making any kind of contact(I’m talking incidental contact here, you pervs) in restrooms. I don’t care if you’re having a heart attack, or choking to death. You better get your ass into the hallway if you want any help from me. But I digress. He starts making some more weird noises that can’t even really be described as grunts anymore, and I here what sounds like something apporximately the size of a basketball fall into the water. He sighed and said, “Uuum, that’s good”. I’m thinking it’s over and I can get to peeing now. That’s another thing. I can’t take a leak if there’s too much distraction going on. And this definitely counted as a distraction. Anyway, he starts grunting again, and I’m thinking, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? Ever heard of fiber? Those wierd noises start coming again, and voila, another basketball. When he suddenly said, “Oh yeah! That’s how it’s done!”, I about lost it. I doubled over in an attempt to both keep from laughing and keep from having to go home and change pants. While doubled over, I did get a look at his shoes. I ran out and back to my office where I proceeded to laugh my ass off for several minutes. I looked at everybody’s shoes for the rest of the day trying to find the culprit, but I never figured out who it was.

Wow. Two poopie stories from me in one day. Guess I’d better get back to pretending I’m working. I have such a rough job.

LMAO thinksnow. I hadn’t seen that list, so it nailed me pretty good. I just finished wiping tears from my eyes and people have been walking by my office looking at me like I’m insane. Nothing like a good laugh to liven up your day.

Maybe it’s just me, but isn’t a bathroom where one goes to relieve one’s self? Don’t we all perform these functions more or less regularly? Is there something I’m missing?
I’m not inclined to chat with the occupant of the adjacent stall, but I’m not in there taking notes either. I highly recommend that the bathroom-shy read “Everyone Poops”…

<shaking head and walking away perplexed>

LOL you said poop.

Some people don’t find these things funny. I am not one of those people. :smiley:

Depends on your fiber intake.

All together now, Diarrhea, uuh, uuh!

Unless there is a plumber’s helper in the bathroom, kept for just such an emergency, I doubt anyone else would’ve done any different. Consider this: when was the last time you ever heard of someone coming out of the toilet and announcing[ul]“Hey! I just took an enormous crap and the toilet’s clogged and there’s water everywhere! Where’s the plunger?”[/ul]I expect mature adults to have understood that gastrointestinal processes inevitably (though not invariably) create sounds and aromas that are completely unacceptable in the lunchroom. I don’t eat my lunch in the restroom, however, and have no embarassment over emitting loud noises (sans commentary, of course) during the process of voiding solid (and, of course, the accompanying gaseous) waste.

If someone gets offended that I had the gall to fart in the restroom whilst taking a dump, I suggest they stop peeing on that nice, clean porcelain of the urinal and just hold it until they get home. Defecation is not pretty, but since it’s necessary, people should expect these sorts of things. If someone gets offended when someone makes a stink (or other mess) in the restroom, too bad. If the implements necessary to eliminate (or reduce) the offending mess are not provided, that does not mean that I am still not entitled to use the facilities. Anyone ever tell you that if you have a bad case of the “shizzical fits” you can have the day off with pay? Me neither. Tough.

~~Baloo

I have to tell you, I am laughing so hard I’m in hysterics. Seriously, I think I’m going to wet my pants over here. Namely because of this:
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=34169

In case you missed the great shit incident a few weeks ago, enjoy.

Baloo, I am in absolute tears over your post. It really hit close to home, and I’m borrowing a line for my new sig. Thanks,
Zette

No strain, no pain, just sit and let it drain!

I can deal with poop stench. I can, really. I’ve got little kids.

What I cannot deal with is the “ladies” where I work that simply cannot handle the fact that poop stinks. As a result, they are constantly spraying some cloying, sickening air freshener immediately upon dropping trou. Either that, or lighting a match.

For Pete’s sake, STOP IT! Listen up, “ladies.” If I walk in the bathroom & smell poop, I know you’ve pooped. But if I walk in & smell some cheap-ass dollar-store air freshener sprayed so heavy it makes my eyes water and coats my effing tongue, I know you’ve taken a positively monumental dump, possibly so stinky that it’s something that you really need to see a doctor about.

Fer cryin’ out loud, when I walk in to a poop-stinky bathroom, I do not walk out smelling like poop. But that %#^%&%#!! air freshener clings like…well, like stink on poop. The flowery, choking stench of that crap is far more offensive than a little bit of stinky poo.

Sorry for getting Pit-like here. But that air freshener just makes me mad! Mad, mad, mad! :mad:

Just don’t let ChiefScott know . . . Glory that was an hilarious thread/story.