Pooping in a College Dorm...How does One Do It?

I recently moved into a dorm room about a month ago. I brought everything I could possibly need to bring (even asked ya’ll friendly straight dopers for suggestions). There was one little thing I forgot to ask about…

How in the heck am I supposed to, ya know, do my business in a public bathroom? My roomie wasn’t of much help, as she’s been living in a dorm for over a year now and doesn’t have the same problem as I do. She’s just like “when you gotta go, just go”.

I come from a household of three women where we had no shame in going to the bathroom…heck, we even brought in magazines to read. Now I’m so scared of anyone knowing what I’m doing that I leave as soon as I hear a door open and make a run for it.

What I guess I’m asking for is any advice, suggestions, or even funny stories about “doing one’s business” in a public bathroom.

Thanx a bunch.
Star Light

This reminds me of an email that went around a couple years ago. Some funny stuff. This is talking about work, but I imagine the same could be applied to a dorm.

Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work
Memorize these definitions, and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Telltale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORE at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don’t forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.

A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and embarrassment, similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee; it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine-gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic; remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.

A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are redominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until
the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait
to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WAERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

I share your problem in some respect, except I have trouble doing my “dooty” out of doors, such as on a camping trip. I even went camping for a week a few years ago. I was in PAIN when I got home. But apparently, Tequila does NOT shit in the woods.
All I can suggest is to “make friends” with the shared toilet. Something to make it feel more like your one at home. Maybe a candle, fuzzy lid cover, something that reminds you of home… As far as everyone knowing what you were doing…so what? They go there to do the same thing, don’t they?

/singing/ Birds do it…bees do it…even certain kinds of fleas do it…so why don’t we do it… Let’s go make some poopy…/voice cracking/

okay so I’m no smug…

There’s really only a couple of options when it comes to guessing what someone is doing when they’re sitting on the pot. Either you are urinating, or you are pooping. These are both functions that everyone has to do, SLSB. As the great Forrest Gump once said, “Shit happens.” (I know, he actually said, “It happens”, and the other guy says, “Shit?”, and Forrest says, “Yup.”, but that would be belabouring the point.)

But I did find it comforting to find a stall that you’re comfortable in. For me, it was the handicapped stall on the second floor. The 15 foot ceilings allowed for proper circulation, and the fan in the shower section provided a delightfully relaxing white noise. And the handicapped stall provided an incredible amount of room to spread the newspaper out on. I could spend hours in there, pooping away.

Maybe you need to bring something in to distract you from the public part of this, before you really get to know your neighbors and think of it as less a “public” restroom than “your” restroom. Bring in homework. Bring in a magazine, newspaper. Our dorm posted the hall notes each week and taped them to the inside of the stall door. Take in your own toilet paper - the good stuff to make you a bit more comfortable.

But my question is, what have you done since you moved in? The woods?

Proof once again that I have no shame about what posts I’ll read or respond to.

That said it’s a good thing you aren’t in the military. Heads (I’m a navy vet, latrine for the rest of you) with the shitters out in the open are not common but I think they still exist in some barracks. I prefer a little privacy but if ya gotta go, etc. etc.

There is a curious phenomina where people won’t have a BM for several days when they get to boot camp. The pressure of the situation apparently holds it in. Boot camp was no biggie for me as I had been though a short version of it when I was in Sea Cadets as a teen. I was able to crap when no one else could and had privacy in the crapper for the first week at least.

Mouthbreather, interesting list and terminology. Nose cone… we’d call it a radome and a watermelon would be a depth charge. A big but streamlined one is of course a torpedo.

Star, get over it dear. Go when ya gotta go and your bowels will thank you.

<- has to go wash hands now.

my suggestions:

  • pick the stall that you like the best in the whole bathroom and ALWAYS do your business there. This year it’s the handicapped stall for me - lots of space, a window for light, and more room for air to circulate.

  • always bring reading material, preferably something that’ll take your mind far away from what you’re doing. My personal favorites: “The Art Book” and “Let’s Go: Germany 2001”

  • barely anyone’s in the bathrooms anyway in the middle of the day anyway, they’re all at class. If you have a spare moment then to get back to the dorm, do it!
    That said, off I go to do just that… hmm… I think I’ll bring “Immortal Poems of the English Language” along this time… :slight_smile:

There’s been a few enterprising individuals at my school who have used showers, sinks, and urinals for shitting in. No one ever admits to it or anything, though. But at least once a semester or so, it seems there is a new low reached in Cary Hall (the all-male dorm here, originally built in the fifties as temporary housing for five years).

This is so incredibly true! I always used the 2nd floor men’s room in the sociology/women’s studies section of school. It is very rarely in use.

I’m pretty sure most of the girls I see in the computer science section of school are there for an analogous reason. :slight_smile:

Ok, I had this problem when I first went off to college. The dorms I lived in all had men and women on the same floor, and freshman year, I happened to live next door to the men’s room. So, for me it meant a trek up or down a flight of stairs.

Well, it took me probably a good 2 weeks to be able to do it, and by the time I graduated, I was the queen of the speedy poop. Get in, get your business done, and get out. (I still have a shy bladder though…I cannot pee if someone else is in the bathroom). What finally helped me was locating the single toilet, unisex bathroom in a connecting dorm. The door locked, and it was almost never in use. Look around for one of those, and if there’s not one, hunt for a handicapped restroom/stall. They are more comfortable.

Take heart…by senior year you will probably be able to walk in, poop, and not stress about it at all.

Oh, I remember this hell fondly. I could do naked cartwheels and flying back tucks across the length of the bathroom any time of day, but the second I sat down to poo someone walked in.

I suggest the requisite reading material, which will take your mind off of the situation at hand. I also brought in air freshener with me - others will appreciate it. Also, the mid-day thing is a good idea. Often I would stop by a random dorm (not the one I lived in) around noon. Very anonymous.

At the opposite end of the spectrum is Fat Naked Shit Girl. She lived in my dorm first semester freshman year. Every morning, I walked into the dorm and was bitch-slapped awake with the smell of Fat Naked Shit Girl’s rank poo. Then, usually as I was brushing my teeth, she would step out of the stall naked. Sometimes she had on a sports bra and boxers, or underwear and a tank top, but as often as not she was naked. And she was fat. It was more girlie fat than I ever needed to see in my life. At least her belly roll hung so low over her crotch that I was spared the gynocological experiance.

Her name was Leslie. Another time I woke up Sunday morning with thoughts of a three-cheese omelet, only to find her having sex in the communal showers (we shared a drain; flimsy curtains seperated us). I saw some spunk-looking stuff clogging the drain, and thanked God for my shower shoes, and then I realized people were having sex in the stall. I went back to my room and waited fifteen minutes, than walked out and saw them, wet, making out in the hall by the bathroom. He had on her cloud robe. She had on panties.

My God, I still can’t get the images out of my head.

Lsura - I used to have shy-bladder, but I read some cool advice in a Stephen King novella: count the prime numbers (you know, divisable only by one and itself: 1, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13…). By the time I made it to 47, I peed and everything was cool.

I think I see what your problem is.

When I was living in the dorms, oh around 100 years ago, I had no problem laying a little cable in the dorm room. My roommate, however, was not too thrilled about it as we had no private toilet in there. After that I just used the bathrooms down the hall. Have you got those there? Try them out; they make downright good waste recepticles. And the accoustics are amazing.

I hear ya…it takes some getting used to. :> On my campus, I think all the dorm bathrooms have radios in them. I find it nice and concealing to crank up the radio when…you know. Then nobody can hear nothin’. Another good time to go is when someone else is showering. The noise from the shower can cover you. ;>

SLSB, I just love the threads you start.

In my dorm (which, incidentally, is also Jester’s dorm), we have very little etiqette. One guy started doing something that I wish more people would do (myslef included): He’d bring a can of air freshener when he went poopey. This was quite helpful. And he never had to do the “Walk of Shame” because of it.

Another thing that I did was Taoist meditation. I’d picked up a copy of the Tao Te Ching last summer and was trying to figure out a time of day to read it. I wanted to go through it very slowly, contemplate every sentence. I tried to think of a time of day when I’d be sitting there with very little else to do. So, why not poopey-time? This worked out great. I felt ten times more productive than usual.

What’s funny is that I just went to a window and looked at Cary Hall. I, luckily, live in Crockett (the kick-assiest, party dorm) and it tends to be clean (our cleaning lady, Shelly, rules.) I’m also lucky enough to go at such times that I seem to be the only one in there. It’s due to the fact that I am on the small wing with fewer people. I think. I don’t dwell on it, becaiuse I don’t give a damn.

Why thank you, SpinneZiege, compliments are always a nice thing to recieve.

I gave much thought to the whole air freshener thing. I knew that I couldn’t ever manage to sneak in a full size lysol, or anything of the sort, for that matter. So I made due with what I had. You know those little purse sized bottles of perfume? Well my mother just happened to give me one of those for Christmas last year. It was just the right size so that it fits in the palm of my hand, or in my pocket if i’m wearing jeans. I bring that with me, sit it on the floor, and pump away anytime I smell even the slightest odor. Not so much for others as it is for me. :wink: My boyfriend soon found out and immediately saw the need for a nick name for my spray. Hence, my poopy perfume was born. Hehe. :smiley:

I like the idea of hunting down a rarely used bathroom. While it would help me hide, it wouldn’t solve my fear of pooping. I like to face my problems head on, not run from them. Plus, what happens when I have one of those sudden poop-attacks, when you suddenly have to go immediately or you’re certain that your butt will explode. We’ve all had at least one of those.

I have decided once and for all that I must conquer my fear of pooping in public. If anyone is actually interested, I’ll keep updating the thread on my progress. The first step I guess is not leaving the stall as soon as anyone else enters the bathroom. Wish me luck.

I do realize how completely weird this all is, but heck…go with me on this, k? :slight_smile:

You’ll eventually get used to it. I used to worry about going at work because others might see that I’m gone from my desk for a few minutes and realize what I was doing. But then I thought, hey, everyone else has to take a crap, too. I’m not the only one. Besides, if I go at work I’ll save some money on toilet paper and water. So what if someone knows I was pooping. At least I’m regular. Hey, if anyone looks at you funny when you come out of your dorm bathroom, just tell’em you had to drop the kids off. :slight_smile:

In most of my dorms it wasn’t something anybody considered. After you have seen a couple guys down the hall lying nekid and drunk in the hall having obviously lost muscular control of most orifices, and the idiots shiting any random place, it was comforting to know that if an alibi became required you have a witness corroborating the fact that you were at the pool before you dropped the kids off.

nacho4sara, you should repost that in the ‘jaw drop’ thread.

i had a ‘safe haven’ on campus, fourth floor, student union. nobody ever went up there 'cept me and my boston globe sports section. saved my ass in more ways than one. (insert smirky winkyface emoticon here)

SLSB, just one more thing to add. You do realize that if you continue to leave the stall anyone enters the bathroom, you end up making more trips to the bathroom, thus becoming a FREQUENT FLYER. I’d be careful you don’t become known as “that girl who is constantly going into the bathroom and leaving.”

But I REALLY like the suggestion to find the unisex bathroom. They’re just like the ones mom used to make!

What scent is your poopfume?


p.s. And always remember, poopy time is Star Light Star Bright time. No one can take that away from you.

Easy. Make a sign ‘OUT OF ORDER’ put it on the main door & do your thing.