SLSB, please use extreem moderation, or seek alternative methods of smell covering, as walking into a cloud of perfume can set some ahsmatics off. Don’t want anyone falling over unable to breath while you’re tryin to do your business now.
-Doug
Wow…I never realized this was a widespread problem. My ex-girlfriend had a thing about public restrooms, and I thought she was a freak (in a good way…don’t take offense). I’ve never had a problem with public restrooms. the only time I didn’t like pooping in a public restroom was in middle school, where they didn’t have doors on the stalls!
Other than that, why worry? Every person on earth poops. President Bush poops. Tom Cruise poops. Jennifer Aniston poops. They all occasionally have diarreah. Have you ever walked into the restroom and notice someone in a stall and thought to yourself, “Oh my GOD…that person is POOPING!” No. No one else does that when you’re in the stall.
Anyway, I don’t mean to sound rough on the subject, I just don’t have the experience, so I can’t sympathize. Hope all is well with your conquering of the toilets! 
Jman
We play trivia in a bar once a week. They recently remodeled the bathrooms, but before they did, they had the craziest setup.
There were 3 urinals, and 3 stalls. However, between that was a single “sit down” toilet, but no stall surrounding it?! So, it goes 3 urinals then a “sitter” (wide open), then 3 stalls. I always wanted to just plop down and let one fly on that open toilet. See peoples reactions when they walked in. I never saw anyone use the toilet in the 2+ years that I knew of it’s existence. Sadly, I never got the nerve to try it.
And now, since the remodeling, I never will. Aww dammit, now <sniff> I’m gonna cry…
I went last night. Even brought a magazine in with me. It was around 12:30 though, so no one came in. The magazine was a huge help for me, as it made the whole situation more like home. I hid the magazine under my shirt and wedged it into the edge of my jeans to prevent slippage.
Connor, my poopy perfume is Millennia from Avon. It’s a really nice frangrance. I do try to use it in moderation, although I have overwhelmed even myself on more than on occasion.
Here’s a question for you… What’s the big deal about pooping anyway? I know it stinks and all, but heck…everyone does it after all. And how does one explain the difference between pooping confidence in men and women? Judging from the responses in this post, men in general seem to think nothing of it. It’s almost a sign of being macho. Hmmm…
::Hence Star Light moves forth with her “conquering of the toilets”::
Love that line, Jman.
God I hate my occassional descents into TMI.
I, with only one exception, do not make defecatory use of any restroom in which I might reasonably be joined by others. I’ve come to the point where I can use the bathroom at work, but if anybody comes in while I’m occupied nothing is coming out until they leave.
Now here’s the thing: If I am not anywhere near a reasonably private single-seater, then I have no urge to go to the bathroom. My GI tract will patiently wait for a good opportunity. I’ve been on camping and road trips of over a week and not pooped once. On the rare instances when the length of time was just too long, I have found that at 3am very few people are using public restrooms. My wife finds this beyond strange and by the end of a long road trip it is a constant litany of “have you pooped yet?” She doesn’t believe that I honestly don’t feel a need to, that I must be containing all the pain.
When I lived in the dorm in college there was a single-seater in the basement of the dorm near the pool room that was never used by anybody after the game room closed at midnight. Most of my adult life was spent working in libraries which always have tons of out-of-the-way bathrooms (especially in the staff areas). Now that I work in office buildings, that just isn’t an option anymore and I have half-adjusted.
People knowing that I am pooping is only half the problem. The other half is the habits of the other users of the restroom. Men are the most disgusting poopers. So many seem to take it as a point of pride to make as much noise as possible. If you have to grunt, you are trying too hard.
Now excuse me while I go hide in the corner, under a tarp.
Or just visit a camping store & get a portable toilet & put it in your dorm room.
What’s with magazines & newspapers in the bathroom anyway? Does it really take that long?
Nothing can beat the FatNakedSkank, but there’s someone on my floor that almost always chats on the phone while doing her business.
“…so I sez to that biach, splunk I sez I ain’t NEVAH gonna… grunt nevah fo’give her what she did! braaap, splash”
It’s kinda amusing, actualy…
obfusciatrist - I totally feel your pain. I spent Senior Week in Manhatten, sharing a little hotel room with three other girls. I didn’t poop the whole time. I finally went at Port Authority Station- I couldn’t hold it any more. I almost missed my bus home.
Once I moved into a different dorm my second semester, it was slightly better. No Fat Naked Shit Girl. It was a quad containing five rooms, four on one side of the bathroom and one huge room (mine) on the other side. But there was this one girl, Regina, a pothead like no other I’ve ever encountered, who lived on a strict diet or Chick Fil-A and Pizza Hut. Countless times, I walked into the bathroom and smelled the nastiest shit ever, laced with the faint aroma of pot. Yes, Regina would smoke a bowl while taking a shit.
Dorm living. And y’all wonder why I commute.
Oh yeah, SLSB, my codeine-addicted roommate who had hallucinations about being raped and woke me up screaming three times a week (do you think I could make this up?), used to bring in a walkman and listen to music. I tried it once, but I was really petrified that I didn’t know if I was alone and couldn’t tell what sounds I was making. But it might work for you.
mouthbreather, your first post gave me great understanding as to your username and your last made me think, “That out-in-the-open toilet is probably the cleanest one of all!”
Anyone here ever seen the pooping arrangements in a large city jail? A typical arrangement would be 12 bunk beds with about 3’ between two walls of six each, that little transitway way being dominated on one end by the cell door and the other by the…Throne, where you are the star of the only (legitimate) entertainment available. Someone above’s post about boot camp made me think that several 2 to 5 day sentence first-timers probably make it through without ever pinching a loaf.
My own epiphany came in college when I lived in a three bedroom house (tiny - obviously built just to rent to college kids). My major domo roommate had the master bedroom as well as a business that was paying his way through college. The only access to the master bedroom, where he conducted his dealings, required passage through the bathroom.
That bathroom remains the only place in the world that I’ve ever been introduced to new people, some future potential business contacts, while sitting on the can (excuse me if I don’t stand up while I shake your hand).
After that I was pretty much over it all. I’ve seen the websites that purport to report on urinal etiquette that are mostly BS; I have conversations with cow-orkers (that’s the way it’s spelled here, right?) and fellow building denizens all the time.
Just flush, OK?
Like everyone else said, this does get easier for most people. One thing you might do is get a regular time going, when you know the bathrooms tend to be empty. Have a cup of hot tea beforehand–it helps get things moving.
I had a bladder-shy friend in college. She’d lived at boarding school and 4 years of college without ever being cured of it, but on the other hand, she was practical about it. We ALL knew she couldn’t pee with us around, and if we walked into the bathroom when she was in there, she’d cheerfully call out for us to turn on the faucet and let it run. That helped her. So you might, on a night when you’re all being a little silly or honest, confess this problem to some of your nicer hallmates. You might get help, sympathy, and commiseration. Maybe you can work out a “Crap In Progress” sign to share.
Oh my God. This has simply got to be the funniest thing I’ve seen all week. Thank you mouthbreather. I am now fully educated, and my week is complete. 
Tripler
I started this on my floor a couple months ago. Buy an 8 pack of crayola crayons (they’re like, 79 cents), and tape 'em to the wall in a bathroom stall. Then just stick up a piece of blank paper and see what happens! The girls on my floor have produced many entertaining, artistic, and humorous sheets of paper which I collect and will post for the whole floor to see at the end of the year. Mucho fun. And oh yes, make sure you note that they should play with the crayons only /before/ they wipe themselves… ;>
Reset your poop clock to midnight or the latest you can stay up. Most people poop at a certain time and some people can reset their clocks.
It just takes practice to poop in a public place. As a kid I used to hold my poop in until I got home I was so shy. But I discovered buddy pooping at college where a few of us would poop together so that we could chat while pooping or brushing our teeth. Otherwise that’s 10 minutes wasted, right? And it’s less scary when your friends are in there with you (the bathroom I mean, not the stall).