Have you tried frying the tofu? Sure, tofu don’t taste like much, but if you get it crunchy enough and cover it with salt it’ll probably fill your short-term needs.
That’s just gross.
Flour? Check. Milk? Check. Maybe an egg? Not essential but helpful. Cereal? Fine. You’re about (if you dare) to embark upon the least healthy, most improbable food ever to profane a carnival midway. I give you the Deep-Fried Pickle. Roll in Flour. Roll in egg, milk, or both. Roll in crushed cereal. Fry in oil, the more the merrier. Ignore the spattering grease, the smoke, and, if possible, the flames. When it’s your favorite shade of brown, remove from the oil and salt liberally. Let it rest on a rack. I mean it. Let it rest some more. Goddamn it, put it down! Boiling vinegar ain’t good for the gums or the complexion. Now, when it’s just barely warm to the touch, take a bite. Best to be in your safety place in case you’re one of those wimps who reacts badly to a warm, sour, slick & slippery thing trying to slither rapidly down your throat. Projectile vomiting isn’t a sin, it’s merely an obstacle to be overcome. Enjoy.
See, that’s your problem right there. **Had **you been stoned on reefer, you’d have been able to come up with munchy food out of health food.
For example:
(and an onion)
Put the cottage cheese, one slice of onion and a shitload of salt in the blender. Whir. You now have onion dip.
Melt butter in a frypan and fry the bread in the butter. (If you don’t have butter, fry in oil, then sprinkle with salt.) Cut into strips. You now have salty buttered dipping things to dip into your onion dip. Dip some of those vegetables, too.
Move onto the sweet course: peaches, apples, and pears are all wonderful cut and simmered in a mixture of sugar and water. Bonus points if you have any wine laying around.
I guess it won’t help to mention that I just went grocery shopping and there was a big buy one, get one free sale and I bought twice as much junk food as I usually do? There’s so much that I had to seperate it and put the extra half up for later.
Good luck with your onion! 
OK, so here’s the deal with the onion…
It worked.
Can ya believe it?? I sure as hell can’t. I just cut me up some onion slices, dipped them in a saucer of milk, and dropped 'em in another saucer of flour a couple times until they had a good coat of it. I then boiled some vegetable oil in a small sauce pan, and dropped the larval onion rings in for some deep frying. When you try this at home, kids, be careful, because that boiling oil wants to spit and splash, and I actually got a bit of ejecta on my arm, which hurt like a mutherfuck. But my hunger pained me more…
So fire burn, cauldron bubble…I left the rings in there for an amount of time that Just Felt Right, and fished them out with tongs. I slapped them on some paper towels to let them cool, and sprinkled a metric crapload of salt on them whilst still glistening with oleic goodness.
Mmmmmm. Home-made onion rings. Cutting up the better part of a big onion for this project should sate the appetite of even the most ravenous Rastafarian, and I went to sleep happily with my blood pressure spiking from sodium and my gut contending with an oversized hit of grease-laden gluten. Just what the doctor orderd. Ahhhh.
Thanks, all, for the wonderful suggestions! I shall now research the deep-fried pickle.
And Agent Towers: Sorry, but I got nothing to admit. I know from experience that if I were stoned I would have been in that 7-11 with my fist stuffed in a bag of Doritos before I’d even paid for it. And if you think my writing is for crap now, well, you ain’t seen nothing…
Heh. I remember when I had nothing much in the house to eat except some spaghetti and some onions. So I boiled the spaghetti and fried the onions. The onions were severely underdone, but I was hungry.
…I spent the next twelve hours with the most godawful case of the galloping farts you ever want not to be stuck in the same room with. :eek:
You could do the same with tofu, and then drench in your favourite sauce.
For me, tofu is not a health food. It’s only good when deep-fried, and then, only as a mechanism for conveying sauce to your mouth.
Please tell me how to cook tofu so it has that nice, dense texture I get in Chinese restaurants. I have ginger, garlic, and everything needed from a spice perspective, but I can’t get that texture!
Loopy…I have an identical refrigerator, content-wise. Just go to sleep…no choice.
-Cem (who looooves fried tofu)
I’m moving this cooking show to MPSIMS. And then I’m going to find something to eat.
Oh wow, it does work. And I made the dipping sauce to go along with them–sour cream, paprika, cayenne, salt. It was really good.
Are you starting out with extra-firm tofu? Cut it into slices, then slice them on the diagonal (to make pointy ends for dipping). In a skillet over high heat, heat up 1-2 Tbsp peanut oil (which has a nice high smoke point) and brown the tofu lightly on both sides.
I wonder if it’s because I’ve been using olive oil. I will invest in this “peanut” oil, and fry up some extra-firm (yes, that’s what I get) tofu for dinner!
Thanks, Pod.
-Cem
Don’t forget to blot it with paper towels.
You are correct, sir!
This made me laugh out loud.
For tonight: Fried tofu and zuchini surprise!!
And yes, I had the greasy poos this morning, but I remain undaunted…
Sattua, what does work?
The oats, milk, sugar and cocoa powder, or the fried pickle?
I shouldn’t be asking this, I’ve pre-judged it already.
So, the fried zucchini was delish, and I heartily recommend it, as it was easier than the onion rings.
But, well…the fried tofu tasted like greasy ass. Obviously boiling oil, caked-on flour, and salt is not the formula for good bad-for-you tofu. What am I doing wrong?
Eating tofu.