I’d ask you what I can bring. If you said “nothing,” I’d bring a bouquet unless I know someone has allergies.
We once invited over a couple who spoke English as a second language. When they asked if they should bring anything, we said “just bring your appetites!”. So they showed up with appetizers.
Charlie Wayne, I don’t think it’s ever rude to bring something. It may be ill advised, but it’s still well intentioned. And no one should be made to feel uncomfortable as a guest in someone’s home unless they’ve turned into a complete asshole – say, the police ought to be called.
I’ve had plenty of folks bring things I didn’t especially want or enjoy. But I always appreciated the thought and intent behind it. So what if someone brings me a bottle of white zinfandel? I can’t stand the stuff, but I still am touched by the idea that someone thought to bring it. I’d thank you profusely, ask if you wanted to enjoy it with the meal, and if you said no, please enjoy it later, I’d put it away to either give to someone I know who likes that stuff – or failing that, I’d dump it down the sink after you’d gone. Why make a big fuss?
I think your actor friend and his wife were incredibly rude. Just smile, say thanks, put it away and get on with the meal. Throw the booze away after the evening is done.
I’ve never been invited to a “sit down dinner” - (unless family Christmas lunch applies)
So for me, it would always be BBQ or pot luck style, so something like a pav, gourmet sausages or similar would be brought. And of course - a sixpack for me, plus a sixpack of whatever the host drinks (if I don’t know, a decent beer to share, making sure it’s cold)
If I were to be invited, I’d ask first - if the host said “nothing” then I’d still bring a bottle of wine or two. I wouldn’t bring food unless specifically tasked
Failing wine - chocolates, mints or similar for after
Failing that - a gift of some sort for the kids (if they have kids)
I would be very very reluctant to show up empty handed
I can certainly understand that.
I would ask what I can bring. If you say nothing, then I probably wouldn’t bring anything. I don’t know anything about wine, so I wouldn’t bring that. I would worry you thought I intended a dessert to be served that night, and I wouldn’t want to annoy the cook. I probably would settle for a Thank You card, hand written and snail mailed in the next day or so.
I was once invited to a party at the home of a couple who had been guests at a Russian language group potluck at my house. When I asked if I could bring anything, the response was “just bring your liver!” He was in the diplomatic service and was about to be reassigned to a Muslim country where they couldn’t bring their booze, and so they had to get rid of everything before they left. (I don’t remember what I ended up bringing - maybe brownies or something.)
And it turned out the reason his wife wasn’t drinking at all that night was that she was pregnant, so they really needed some help finishing off the booze!
Another case for bringing something would be if the host had no idea you’re vegan/allergic to multiple foods/kosher, where you might have nothing to eat except lettuce. In that case, explain! If I work with you, you wouldn’t know something a family member might about me. (I still think it would be better to decline the invite.)
Best laugh all week!
… of the ouzo?
I guess I wasn’t brought up “right”. I don’t drink wine, and never heard of this “hostess gift” business.
If invited, I’ll ask if I should bring anything. My friends know I don’t particularly cook, and desserts are probably something from the store. If I invited someone over, I wouldn’t expect any gift. Any gift would be received with a pleasant “Thank you”, even wine that I won’t drink. I still have a bottle in the cupboard from my housewarming party 5 years ago.
There won’t be any thank you cards. Those only go out for formal written invites, on cardstock. An email, text, phone, or in-person invite – even for a sit-down dinner – doesn’t require a “thank you” other than a polite remark to the hosts, probably one after dinner and one again as I’m leaving.
What’s the point of worrying about formalities? We’re friends, we hang out to have a fun social time. If my friends want to cook and have me over, they want to show off.
Bringing a dish to a dinner is an insult to the host.
“Hey your food might suck so I brought my own”
Special dietary requirements should be discussed when accepting the invitation.
Gifts - personally I don’t want any, so I’d like to negotiate an amnesty.
Over the past few years I’ve managed to convert most of the people I exchange gifts with to the idea of only giving ‘consumables.’ Which includes things like movie tickets and flowers and offers to house sit during vacations, not just edibles.
It’s the only way to go once you all are in the situation of having fully stocked houses and reasonable incomes. If you don’t HAVE a [whatever gadget/physical item] it most likely is because you don’t want on or have room for it.
I would definitely bring a hostess gift…but I wish people would get away from the idea of a bottle of wine unless you know the person likes it. I used to entertain more in my twenties and I ended up with a lot of bottles of wine. I never drink wine and it’s just more of an inconvenience for me to get rid of it. Not the intent of a hostess gift! It is not hard to figure out something else your host might like - flowers are always nice.
I would probably have first offered to bring a home-made dessert.
But assuming that I’d somehow neglected to do so, I’d bring either a tasteful store-bought dessert or a bottle of wine.
No, scratch the wine, cause then I’d be obliged to drink it with you, and I really haven’t developed a taste for wine.
For that matter, if you were coming to dinner at my place with a bottle of wine, I’d be worried that I’d offend you by not enjoying it. A dessert, on the other hand, would be welcomed with open arms and open mouth.
Charlie Wayne,
I guess it is best to ask first, but I think the gift of wine at a dinner is still a common enough convention that no one should be surprised or offended by it. I wouldn’t have been offended if someone had brought wine to my house back in the days when I didn’t drink at all. In fact I would have been very apologetic to not be able to partake of their gift. I think your hosts showed appallingly bad form.