I've just invited you over for a sit-down dinner. Do you bring anything?

[Celyn]

@Skald_the_Rhymer

Assume, for the sake of this discussion, that it the dinner in question is NOT a potluck; that the only attendees are me and my immediate family and you and your date; that I have neither asked nor forbidden you to bring any dish or beverage, and in fact haven’t mentioned it at all; and that you actually want to come because you like my cooking.

Under such circumstances, do you bring a dessert? A bottle of wine? Anything at all?

Also consider the converse. You’ve invited me and my wife to a sit-down dinner with you and your immediate family. Would you be offended if I brought a dessert or wine?

No poll today; I can’t be arsed.

I’d probably bring wine (unless I had reason to believe that you and Mrs. Skald avoided alcohol, and perhaps some chocolates (unless I knew that you both forswore such fripperies in search of a healthy life). Probably not bring a dessert, as I don’t know whether you have a dessert planned or not. Perhaps flowers, although that can be seen as impolite because it forces the busy hosts to go and find a vase etc.

It’s polite to bring something (although quite what to bring depends on financial circumstances).

Were you my guest, I’d be pleased if you brought wine or dessert or anything, but would not be upset all if you did not. Whole point being to sit down, eat, drink and be merry together rather than tiptoe through a minefield of etiquette.

[Celyn]

@Robinlexington49

I would ask what can I bring first and if I’m told nothing I would bring a desert or flowers…

I suggest the flowers would be a lot easier to buy and to carry with you.

[Celyn]

@BigT

The only place I’ve seen the expectation that you would bring something is on this board. It’s still something that seems strange to me. And it now seems even stranger, since you guys are mentioning flowers, which I associate exclusively with romantic gestures.

No, just a sort of pretty gesture to contribute to the whole evening. I agree that if Joe and Simon and Steve and Bill get together for dinner, bringing flowers might not be quite the thing. But the OP suggested mixed male/female couples, I think. I suppose it’s an old-time thing of bringing flowers to the charming lady hostess (who probably hardly did a thing in the kitchen, but got “help” to do it all). If you notice, people are mainly suggesting flowers when other thing might not be appropriate).

Oh no - I just thought - what do you do when going to dinner at the home of people who do not drink wine, do not eat chocolates, and who also have very bad hay fever? :eek:

@BigT

And while I never saw anyone bring anything, I have heard stories–from exasperated people who saw it as an implication that their food wasn’t good enough for them.

Well, that’s why bring “extras”, like wine or posh confectionery or flowers, rather than insult the host’s cooking.

@BigT

I’ve also seen people bring wine on TV–but I thought that was an upper class thing.

Distinctly NOT upper-class, I think. After all, if you’re the 58th Lord BigT of BigT in the county of BigT-shire, you probably have a bloody wonderful cellar full of wines. Probably a few skeletons there too, of unfortunate staff who got lost and starved to death.

[Celyn]

@SciFiSam

I always take wine, except to one house where they know wine a lot better than us, so we take flowers.

If they know wine a lot better than they know their friends, I’m a bit surprised they are still capable of cooking.

@SciFiSam

I’d be a bit put out if someone brought dessert without asking me first. It’d be like what, do you not trust my cooking?

I agree. This “bring dessert” seems to be a USA thing. It certainly seems to carry too much possibility of (inadvertently) causing offence.

[Cartooniverse]

I was raised to understand that you do not show up to someone’s home emtpy-handed for a meal. It’s rude.

Simple.

Given food allergies, vegetarian, vegan, gluten-free and other issues, I’d make a fucking amazing fruit salad and call it good.

[Celyn]

@cmyk

…
It’s a good gesture among friends and HEY! More wine!

Reading your post, I had a sudden epiphany: depending upon how busy/disorganised one’s hosts are, it is even possible that the perfect guest is one who arrives saying “Oh, I haven’t actually brought any wine, but I do have a corkscrew”.

[Grrr]

@Cartooniverse

I was raised to understand that you do not show up to someone’s home emtpy-handed for a meal. It’s rude.

Simple.

Just because you were raised a certain a doesn’t make it right.

[RandMcnally]

When invited I would ask, probably multiple times, if should bring anything. But if the host declines I won’t. My reasoning is if I invite someone over I don’t expect a gift. I want them over to do something nice. Why would I be put out if they didn’t bring anything?

And I hope that they don’t bring over wine. My wife and I won’t drink it. It’ll sit on the counter until it’s poured down the drain.

[Cartooniverse]

@Skald_the_Rhymer

A sit-down dinner is indoors and in the dining room of a private home, as opposed to, say, an outdoor barbecue, which in my experience tend to be potlucks.

This may be a regional colloquialism. I grew up in Philly. That is a phrase that was used by my parents, their friends, and all of my friends’ parents as well.

A sit-down dinner implies that one may hang out before-hand, perhaps even enjoy hors-d’ouvre for a bit. But when dinner is served, everyone sits in the dining room at the table and has dinner together. The hosts may be hustling in and out of the kitchen to get and serve courses, but we all sit and eat together.

Shakes, that’s certainly true. It isn’t the only way. It’s the way I learned to behave.

[Grrr]

You know, I have on several occasions stayed after and help the hosts clean up. One might argue that’s a better gift than bouquet of flowers.

[John_Mace]

@RandMcnally

When invited I would ask, probably multiple times, if should bring anything. But if the host declines I won’t. My reasoning is if I invite someone over I don’t expect a gift. I want them over to do something nice. Why would I be put out if they didn’t bring anything?

And I hope that they don’t bring over wine. My wife and I won’t drink it. It’ll sit on the counter until it’s poured down the drain.

You don’t cook anything that calls for wine as an ingredient? And there’s always re-gifting. Nothing wrong with that. If someone gives you a gift you can’t use, give it to someone who can.

[Aspenglow]

I throw a fair number of dinner parties. Everything from Cinco de Mayo potlucks to 7-course sit-down formal dealios. Here are some things I appreciate and/or don’t:

If you bring a bottle of wine, that’s lovely. However, don’t expect it to be served with dinner if it’s a sit-down affair. I will have already carefully planned which wine with which course. I will thank you profusely and say how much I will look forward to having it with a special future meal. When I give a bottle of wine, I always say, “For your cellar or to serve, as you please,” to make it clear I don’t expect it to be served with the meal.

Unless it’s a potluck and I specifically asked you to bring it, I won’t appreciate you bringing more food. Again, it’s all planned out and your dish may be the turd in my punchbowl. E.g., if I’m serving a multiple course Normandy-style dinner, your buffalo wing appetizer is going to ruin my theme.

Flowers. Someone mentioned it earlier. Unless you’ve brought them in a vase, you’re forcing me to stop and deal with them RIGHT NOW – and I assure you, it’s kind of a pain when Hollandaise sauce is on the stove. If you were thoughtful enough to bring them in a container, then I think this is a charming gift!

Chocolates are nice because they pretty much go with and compliment everything. Special mints are also nice, because they always go with the end of a meal.

I like to bring something a little unusual where it’s clear it’s not meant for the meal. Raw honey, homemade limoncello, a specialty vinegar such as blueberry, a rare cheese, something the hostess can accept and put aside for another time.

Above all, if it’s a formal, sit-down dinner, please do not be late. It’s not “fashionable” to be late to anything but a drop-in cocktail party. If I have a souffle in the oven, I am NOT going to be happy if you straggle in 45 minutes past dinnertime – no matter what you bring with you.

I truly don’t expect anyone to bring anything when they come to dinner unless I make a specific request for it. It’s nice if they do – provided the considerations mentioned here are granted!

[Miss_Violaceous]

@Athena

I’d ask you “What can I bring?”

If the answer is “nothing”, I’d still bring a bottle of wine or two, but not necessarily expect it to be opened that night. It’s a host gift kind of thing. In my experience, however, it’s almost always opened that night. This might be a local thing; people pretty much always bring something to drink to get-togethers.

I would not bring any food item without clearing it with the host first. There’s just too much cause for duplicates or something that flat out didn’t work.

The converse: I wouldn’t be offended, but I’d hope you’d mention any food items that were intended to be consumed with the meal, simply to avoid duplicates or other mishaps.

Duplicate wine is never a mishap.

This, exactly. Every line.

[monstro]

@John_Mace

You don’t cook anything that calls for wine as an ingredient? And there’s always re-gifting. Nothing wrong with that. If someone gives you a gift you can’t use, give it to someone who can.

I’m with Rand. I’d appreciate the thought behind a bottle of wine, but it would be useless to me since I don’t imbibe. Sure, I could give it away to someone else. But I like giving gifts that I’ve put thought into, that reflect what I think a person would like, while also reflecting something about me. I would feel like a fraud showing up to someone’s house with something I know nothing about, that I wouldn’t happily partake in myself.

Hopefully someone I felt comfortable inviting over would know me well enough not to give me a bottle of wine. They’d know that I’d much rather have a tin of cookies, chocolates, flowers, or a decorative candle. If they don’t know me that well, that’s fine. I’ll accept the wine gracefully. But if it’s a close friend, I’d actually be a little disappointed. I don’t walk around with a “I hate wine!” t-shirt, but I don’t keep this aspect of my personality secret either.

[Charlie_Wayne]

I once met someone and he invited me to his house for dinner. I knew he had a wife and a 19 year-old daughter. I brought a bottle of wine. I never asked first if it was OK to bring that. I just assumed it was.

When I came into their home, I said, “Hello. Nice to meet you” and handed the wine to his wife. She gave me a quizzical look and then looked at her husband. He said, “I’m sorry but we don’t drink and we don’t even like to have any alcohol in our house.” That was followed by an uncomfortable pause and so I asked, “Oh. Would you like me to put the bottle back into my car?”. They both then smiled and he said, “That would be very nice. Thank you.”

The dinner was one of the most uncomfortable I ever experienced. The second half of the meal was eaten in complete silence. I tried to start some conversation a few times but it seemed like the wife was just not interested. The husband seemed embarrassed by it all. The wife never said a word to me after that. I wish that I had never accepted the invitation. When dinner was over, I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Was I in the wrong for not asking if it was OK for me to bring some wine at the time he invited me? I have never failed to ask that since that time.

Does anyone have any suggestions for me on anything I should have done differently? It was just so bizzare. By the way, he is a well known movie actor who has appeared in several movies although you wouldn’t know his name because he always played a minor role. This happened around 1980.

Their daughter went on to get several leading roles in some TV series.

Is there something about actors I should know? I thought it was completely appropriate to bring a bottle of wine without asking first. If they didn’t drink, I thought the appropriate thing to do was:

1. Say “Thank you” and then they could have taken the bottle and put it away. If I asked about it again, they could have either said, “We don’t drink but we’ll pour you a glass if you like.” Or they could have said, “We don’t drink and we don’t even like having any alcohol at the table. Would you mind if we returned the bottle to you at the end of the meal?”

2. Say “Thank you”. “We don’t drink and we don’t even like having any alcohol in the house. Would you mind taking the bottle back to your car”?

3. Say “Thank you. But we don’t drink. Would you mind if we returned the bottle to you after dinner.”

4. Anything else that followed, “Thank you.”

[Charlie_Wayne]

I’m sorry that I wrote the above post without first reading the other posts in this thread.

I’ve got to learn to stop doing that. But sometimes there are just too many posts to read them all.

[Count_Blucher]

Dude, you were polite & followed the play-book; you just didn’t know your hosts well enough to know what they expected. Maybe they wanted dessert instead? Maybe they wanted a covered dish?
Maybe they wanted you to talk about their family business & practice role playing with them?

Or maybe, for some reason totally beyond your control, your style pissed them off.

@Charlie_Wayne

Does anyone have any suggestions for me on anything I should have done differently? It was just so bizzare. By the way, he is a well known movie actor who has appeared in several movies although you wouldn’t know his name because he always played a minor role. This happened around 1980.

Their daughter went on to get several leading roles in some TV series.

Is there something about actors I should know?

Dude, if I had the Jewelled Key of Understanding Actors, I’d probably be one Happy MFer right now. I don’t. Nobody does. Take a deep breath, shrug, and realize you’re not the only one. You’re only human (and that’s OK).

[kayaker]

^^If I got such a cold response to my proffered wine, I would have realized the evening should end quickly. I would have apologized, and said I’d take the bottle home immediately. And I would have turned around and boogied.

[John_Mace]

@monstro

I’m with Rand. I’d appreciate the thought behind a bottle of wine, but it would be useless to me since I don’t imbibe. Sure, I could give it away to someone else. But I like giving gifts that I’ve put thought into, that reflect what I think a person would like, while also reflecting something about me. I would feel like a fraud showing up to someone’s house with something I know nothing about, that I wouldn’t happily partake in myself.

Then you give it to a co-worker or friend (not a dinner host) and say: Someone gave me this, and I know you like wine, so I hope you enjoy it. If someone popped me a free bottle of wine, I’d happily take it. Even if it wasn’t something I’d drink, I could cook with it.

Hopefully someone I felt comfortable inviting over would know me well enough not to give me a bottle of wine. They’d know that I’d much rather have a tin of cookies, chocolates, flowers, or a decorative candle. If they don’t know me that well, that’s fine. I’ll accept the wine gracefully. But if it’s a close friend, I’d actually be a little disappointed. I don’t walk around with a “I hate wine!” t-shirt, but I don’t keep this aspect of my personality secret either.

Good point. If I was invited to someone’s house and I knew they didn’t drink, I’d probably bring flowers or something, and not wine.

[madmonk28]

@kayaker

^^If I got such a cold response to my proffered wine, I would have realized the evening should end quickly. I would have apologized, and said I’d take the bottle home immediately. And I would have turned around and boogied.

Yeah, the hosts were just rude jerks and their rudeness manifested itself over a bottle of wine. It sounds like someone in the house was white-knuckle sober.