Today at work, a guy who has a good three and a half, maybe four decades on me, comes up to the counter with his buddy and spews the following upon me without provocation:
“I want some real coffee. Real coffee. Real, simple, coffee. Nothing fancy. Just plain black coffee. I don’t take sugar, I don’t take cream, just real, old fashioned American coffee.”
Does this diarrhea run out of this guy’s mouth every time he opens it in front of a barista? Has he ever been to one coffee shop twice or more without being kicked out or laughed out of the store? Does he saddle the same hard-working young collegiate with this drivel every day at the Starbucks by his house?
My response: “I’m glad you asked for the real coffee, 'cause I was just about to give you a cup of plastic coffee.”
He answered that with a blank, confused stare. His buddy helpfully explained (with a smile, as though he were glad someone had finally given back what they got from the first guy), “He’s yanking your chain.” The more indignant of the two smiled sheepishly, and he didn’t seem amused, but maybe he learned something today:
The fact that you are giving me money to do something you could do yourself if you had to, does not entitle you to a god damned thing except a cup of coffee and professional service. If you waive the latter right by being a shit-flinging monkey, you might end up eating from your own hand. If I ran the place you might not get your coffee, either. You’d probably just get your money back and directions to the nearest 7-Eleven. If you’re such a hardcore old-fashioned American, why don’t you go home and drink some Folgers? Leave the good stuff for the people with common senses of fucking decency, and go tell your rehearsed holier-than-thou speech at an audition.
Is this the type of place that has cutesy names for everything? I’ve never ordered at a coffee place like that, as I don’t drink coffee, but I went to a sub place like that once and they were so brainwashed and perky they corrected me whenever I made a little mistake in their idiosyncratic nomenclature. Perhaps he was heading that off at the pass, but he just really wanted some quick coffee?
Anyway, had the guy just said “one regular coffee, black” he’d’ve gotten his point across without wasting his and the OP’s time. Never understood people who make speeches about inefficiency.
That’s one thing that annoyed me about American Starbucks’ - the fact that their coffee sized are “tall”, “grande” and “vetinari” (or whatever). I’m sorry. When evre you have three different sized of objects, they are always, always, “small”, “medium” and “large”. Otherwise it’s just stupid.
The greatest part was when the barristas would correct me. What’s so hard to understand about “medium”?
Big fucking deal. He asked for black coffee and used too many words. Just pour it, take his money, and save your *own *carefully rehearsed bullshit for an audition, okay, javajerk?
Careful there, cowboy. I once got eviscerated in the Pit because I complained that Starbucks calls their small a tall. I was accused of living in the past and being illiterate.
How Alison isn’t fired for bilking money out of the state of Arizona for what amounts to holding a no-skill ‘patronage’ job?
Sorry, I hadn’t had my coffee yet.
sip
Ok. The guy was making a scene out of making what he thought was a point. It was his little stand against frothy cafe-lattes. Whatever. Surely, if this isn’t the first person who has ever set foot in the OP’s coffee shop and had an a opinion contra to Starbucks policy. I’m surprised if this doesn’t happen so often that the OP would have to struggle not to say. “Gee, I haven’t heard that one before.”
Look, I’m not implying that you had to suck-up to him; he probably wasn’t coming back anyway and sometimes the customer just isn’t right. Still, saying something aside to him like, “You know, if you had said ‘regular coffee, black’, you’d be drinking your coffee by now” might have saved both your dignities. Might have even made a regular out of him.
Pretty lame rant, to be honest. You may not have like the way he asked for his coffee, but as long as he isn’t abusive, it’s your job to just serve him his coffee, be friendly and take his money. If this is the worst you encounter at a retail position, count yourself lucky. I know of booksellers who’ve been handed CDs that the customer had smeared with semen and others who’ve been stabbed by unstable nutjobs who were caught stealing from the adult section.
Kind of puts your experience into perspective, huh?
I have utterly no clue what a “barista” is supposed to be.
… but I’m thinking it has something to do with TubGirl, doesn’t it?
Also, the OP pitting somebody for making a rehearsed holier-than-thou speech by posting a rehearsed holier-than-thou speech is more irony than I can take in one shot. And I’ve listened to that Alanis song the whole way through, even.
I don’t like coffee. Does that make me anti-anti-elitist or pro-anti-elitist? Anti-pro-elitist? I’m confused. I’m going to go get a cup of tea. And don’t put any damn sugar in it!
Except if you ask for that around here. If you tell the guy at the deli regular coffee, that means milk and sugar. Regular coffee black is a contradiction. Different regions have different meanings of regular.
