Then let me offer you a virtual hotpad, Advil, tea (would you like lemon, sugar, or brandy?), and a foot rub.
Here are your cookies. I will put the foot lotion in the microwave, and be back in a moment. Take your shoes off, and tuck this blanket around your knees.
Don’t worry about dinner - I got it covered. Do you want the radio on?
Regards,
Shodan
Dammit. 'Scuse me for a minute…
::taking out brain, thwapping it soundly:: [sub]how many times do I have to tell you, CHECK WITH ME before posting!! Now look what you’ve done![/sub]
::ahem::
Sorry about that. My brain seems to have had a short-circuit. [sub]oh god, she’s going to kill me for this…[/sub] See, I have Mutter playing while reading my email, and I momentarily got Til mixed up with [sub]ulp[/sub] Trent from NIN. My bad.
[sub]please don’t kill me[/sub].
I kind of like Body. He seems pretty cool. He has a fun job, too.
How do you go about getting a job like Body’s?
Maybe you oughtta go to the employment agency and hire a temp.
My Body’s pretty cool.
“Body?” I say.
“Sir! Yes Sir!”
“Report, please.”
“Yes sir, all systems are operating at 110% efficiency, sir. Hangover and soreness repairs from Tennis night are complete, Sir!”
“Very good, I have to admit that I was somewhat unhappy about that headache, lower back pain, and leg stiffness. I expect these things to be taken care of while I sleep.”
“Sir! Permission to speak frankly?”
“Of course.”
“Well Sir, I would never dream of making an excuse, but our repeated requests for nonacoholic liquid refreshment during prolonged exertion went unfullfilled. Perhaps the requisition form was misplaced?”
“I got your requisition, that’s why I switched to Coors Lite.”
“Sir yes Sir! Sorry to have let you down. It won’t happen again!”
“I know Son, I know. Anything else?”
“Yes Sir, one other thing. It seems that our requisition for a warm up, and stretching period was also similarly uh, misplaced.
Again, I don’t wish to make some excuses but we’ve been having some discipline problems with The Knee.”
“Yes. I know. The Knee has spoken to me as well.”
“Yes Sir! He never really has been the same since that day he won the Purple Heart. The truth is I wish we could replace him.”
“I’m afraid that’s not possible.”
“Sir, Yes Sir!”
“Anything else, Body?”
“No Sir. We are prepared and fully operational, and ready to deploy for tonight’s light workout exercise followed by the 10 mile run. Once again, I’d like to ask you personally about those liquids. If you could see to it Sir…”
“Of Course, of course.”
“The Back has promised that it will be ready for moving heavy boxes and furniture this Weekend. The liver is ready for Beer following the run, and I know I speak not only for myself, but for all the troops when I say that we’re all looking forward to the Penis’ performance tonight.”
“Yes. Moral is important. I’m looking forward to it as well. It seems like you have everything under control.”
“Sir, Yes sir, and uh…”
“Go ahead.”
“Well, Yes sir. How to put this? The ummm… boys, well their uhh, really looking forward to this performance by the Penis tonight.”
“So you said.”
“Yes sir. You’ll recall that last week The Mouth and The Brain, acting on their own without proper authorization got into an argument with your wife and kind of ruined the Penis’ big performance.”
“Yes, I’m still trying to sort that one out.”
“Yes Sir. Anyway, I’ve taken the Liberty of drawing up a contingency plan so that we don’t let the boys down.”
“What is it?”
“Well Sir, The Hand has offered to do extra duty tonight, if it comes to that.”
“Take one for the team?”
“Yessir.”
“That’s very generous of the hand. Remind me to put him in for a commendation. Perhaps if we shut down the Brain and Mouth, and let the Hand apply those energies towards a deep back rub on the wife, than we’ll be sure to have a good show for the Penis later.”
"I’ll draw up the plans, Sir.
“Carry on.”
“Sir! Yes Sir!”
Naw. It’s just that Till’s birthday isn’t until January. I wouldn’t miss his 40th for the world.
j
Ooh! Battle against jarbabyj’s feminine parts. Tag me in!
When Iopened this thread I was hoping it would be about a torturous self wrestling contest involving the tearing off of clothes in a pit of chocolate pudding. Instead I’ve been inundated with mental images of Jarbaby’s body opening the flood gates.
Ew. :eek:
Sanscour
Not a day goes by that I am not EXCEEDING grateful for my ‘Y’ chromosone…
Unlike Scylla’s finely honed, militarily masculine Body, the Rysbod’s discussion with me goes something like this:
Me: It’s 6:00am. We should get up.
Body: Shut up.
Me: Have you thought about camping this weekend?
Body: Leave me alone or I’ll hurt you.
Me: But the Ryskid is counting on it!
Body: Can you say, “strained muscle”?
Me: Ok, ok. What can we do.
Body: Light reading sounds good.
Me: You mean like Reader’s Digest?
Body: I mean like super market flyers. Lightweight.
Me: Lazy bastard.
Body: Now you’re catching on.
Me: I’ve had it! I’m going to go out and camp, fish, hike, and run around just exactly like I used to. You can go to hell!
Body: Hee hee. Just try it. There ain’t enough Advil in the world to save you from the repercussions of such foolishness.
Me: I hate you.
Body: Back atcha. By the way, a nap sounds good…
Me: We just got up two hours ago!
Body: Listen…I’ve given you a lot of pretty good years. And, besides, it could be worse.
Me: Worse? How?!
Body: I could’ve been female.
Me: … Would you like a snack before the nap?
Body: Nah. I’ll get the lights…
Don’t forget, j, we have this treasure in earthen vessels.
And I had previously thought it unfair that the other sex had a life expectancy 6 years longer than mine; perhaps it just seems that way…