Jarbaby vs. her Body...deathmatch

The BBQ Pit
1

jar sits quietly in a straight back chair while her body stalks around her with a cat of nine tails, grinning evilly

Body: Sit up straight!

Jar: but…my back is sore…I have…I have…

Body: say it

Jar: I have PMS

Body: that’s right bitch. We went through this last month and we’re going to go through it every fucking month for the rest of your life until you get it right.

Jar: But I don’t know…

Body smacks her

Body: SHUT UP. Your insolence has earned you a cluster of zits on your forehead that would make a gawky teenager point in horror.

Jar: NO…NO NOT THAT…

Jar falls to the ground, riddled with vicious cramping

Body: You never learn. Guess you won’t mind five pounds of water weight that make your jeans look like bratwurst casing and leave a waistband mark permanently imprinted on your poor, tender stomach.

Jar: Please…please…I’m sorry…please, no more.

Body: No MORE? NO MORE? How about a headache? An insatiable salt craving? HOW ABOUT A PAIR OF UNDERPANTS RUINED FOR EVER.

Jar sobs as her body stalks her around the room

Body: How about exhaustion? Crying at Disney commercials? An unhealthy desire to cut off your breasts? HOW ABOUT FEELING LIKE A BIG SACK OF CRAP FOR FOUR DAYS?

jar continues to weep in a fetal position. Body shakes a bottle of advil in front of her face.

Body: want this, bitch? Want this?

Jar: Please. Yes. I need it. If I don’t catch these cramps at exactly the right time…

Body: what?

jar: Please. I’ll be in misery all weekend. It’s FRIDAY…haven’t you punished me ENOUGH?

body throws the advil at her and walks away.

Body: Never. It’s never enough. See you next month bitch. And don’t try any of that baby shit to get out of our date.

2

Blessed are You, O’ Lord our God, King of the Universe, who has not made me a woman.

Gp

3

Ahh, you’re just exaggerating. Go on, admit it.

And if that doesn’t deserve a ::d&r::, I don’t know what does.

4

If Eve had never eaten that apple…

(not our Eve)

5

that brought about pain in childbirth, not pain in shedding a uterine lining.

YOU BIG INSENSITIVE JERK

6

Jarbaby get out quick, those calls are coming from inside the house.

7

But jarbabyj, you say that in such a negative way.

There there, we know how hysterical you girls get when it gets to be That Time of the Month. Try to react a little more rationally - you know, like we men do.

Don’t you fuss your pretty little head about it.

Is dinner ready yet?

Shodan does not bother with a d&R, as there is nowhere to hide with every woman on earth out for his blood.)

Regards,
Dead Meat, the Poster Formerly Known as Shodan

8

I managed to whip my body into shape with Depo. Of course, my body is laughing behind my back about the 10 pounds (and 1 dress size) I gained because of it.

9

Yes. Depo. Turned me into a raving bitchpuma with zero sex drive and a tendency towards rage.

Mr. jar said he could easily understand why it was used for birth control.

WHY ARE YOU CRITICIZING ME TATTVA? GOD!!! :: jar sobs, eats fritos::

j

10

jarbabyj -

How could you tell?

Regards,
Shodan

11

Shodan, you’re a real peach.

yours in christ,

jarbaby

12

I just want to say that raving bitchpuma is one of the funniest things I have read today. That is all.

If it makes you feel any better, I still get PMS and I don’t have a uterus. Just one lousy ovary. But still she exerts her omnipotent hormonal influence and makes the rest of my body do her evil bidding. Meanwhile I don’t even have a period to prove that it was “that time of the month”

Oh the perfect irony.

13

I thought you didn’t wear underpants?

14

I do occasionally. I just try to avoid them whenever I can.

15

Ah.

And incidentally, happy 37th to your buddy Trent. :slight_smile:

16

Yes bobkitty, thus proving that the cruelty that jarbaby’s body will resort to has no boundries.

It makes her wear undies to protect the other garments from its onslaught and then proceeds to ruin them, so jar will have to buy more undies, thus perpetuating the unholy love-hate relationship.

What an evil bitch! :smiley:

17

jarbabyj -

I was kidding, I was kidding.

The Lovely and Talented Mrs. Shodan used to have much the same set of issues as you do every twentyeight days or so.

Then the Menopause Fairy paid a visit to our house, and worse things (if you can imagine) began to happen. Night sweats, hot flashes, etc., etc. (Cue background music, “How Lovely to Be a Woman” from Bye Bye Birdie).

So she hied herself off to the kindly old OB/GYN, who prescribed monthly shots of the aforementioned Miracle of Modern Science.

With much the same results as you describe.

Now she is on something else. Consequently, her little visitor returns every month or so, and Shodan has re-learned to step softly and speak soothingly to the adored angel of my dreams every lunar cycle.

I apologize for teasing you. It was cruel.

Regards,
Shodan

18

At least the Cubbies are kickin’ ass right?

ummm…never mind

19

wait. Who’s trent?

20

shodan. I knew you were joking. There’s no way you’d have a death wish like that. :slight_smile: