Jarbaby's Want Ad

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

ahem

Well, as some of you may know, today (December 3rd) is my SEVENTH Wedding Anniversary. Seven years ago today I was sitting in a beauty salon having sixty thousand hairpins stuck into my skull while my sister fed me a bagel.

Ah…memories.

BUT, as it is my seventh anniversary, it is, I understand, the custom, to take on a paramour of sorts to cure my “seven year itch”. Jarhubby will be doing the same, just in keeping with a tradition that I understand is sanctioned by the Catholic Church (right?). As of now we are taking applications, and the decision of who will be my red hot clandestine lover will be made in February.

In applying for the role of Jarbaby’s Adulterous Downfall, there are many considerations.

  1. What do YOU bring to the table in terms of assets, gifts, talents.

  2. What is your experience in breaking up marriages and sending women into a spiral of sin?

  3. Do you fit Jarbaby’s criteria in any way (i.e. German, smoker, green eyes, muscular, dominant, swimmer…welder…mod)

  4. And what do you expect of JARBABY in the relationship. (and it better not be much)

You must understand that I will continue to be married to Mr. Jar and we are a delightfully happy and stable couple with a lovely, satisfying love life. And once I hit the eighth anniversary, pal, you’re outta here.

I cannot speak to mr. Jar’s needs, so women applying for his lover must contact him separately.

Thank you.

jarbaby

2

My 7th anniversary is December 2, 2002. I see this is an opportunity for an in-kind exchange. I’ll be your bit-on-the-side until then, and you can be my chippy for a year.

There are several benefits here that are apparent:

  1. No need to pay employment taxes.

  2. I live in the Chicago area, so our trysts could be frequent. But that might be seen as a negative, so ignore that.

  3. I haven’t broken up any marriages (perfect for this situation), but my EXTREMELY Catholic (but liberal) MIL is actually the one who suggested that the Missus and I live together.

  4. It doesn’t sound like you and I otherwise have anything in common. I don’t smoke, I’m not German (but have some Dutch in my background), I am tall, but neither muscular nor skinny, not a fan of hard rock music (I’ve never heard it, but Ramstein kinda frightens me)

  5. Perhaps we could even start this affair in June, and go till June, '02. That way, we could kill two birds with one stone.

I can provide references upon request.
btw: You mentioned you are going out for Italian. May I ask where ya’ going?

3

We’re going to Maggianos! Mmmm…gluttony

Are you into gluttony? Would you take me out to eat?

j

4

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by jarbabyj *

  1. What do YOU bring to the table in terms of assets, gifts, talents.

  2. What is your experience in breaking up marriages and sending women into a spiral of sin?

  3. Do you fit Jarbaby’s criteria in any way (i.e. German, smoker, green eyes, muscular, dominant, swimmer…welder…mod)

  4. And what do you expect of JARBABY in the relationship. (and it better not be much)

[QUOTE]

A} Leaving aside the ahem physical assets, I am an accomplished masseur and bodypainter, though (unfortunately)not much of a writer. Deeds, not words, donchaknow.

B} I have had liasons with a number of married women, and even when we’re not fooling around, immediate rumors begin and I must defend the lady’s honor. I did manage to break up one marriage. It was arranged (for a small consideration) that I assist a husband in fulfilling his wife’s fantasy of a threesome. It came as quite a surprise to her (not to mention myself) that he had a few fantasies of his own. Fortunately, I got out of their with my virtue and my skin intact. The divorce was arranged later that day, I’m told.

C} I am a smoker with green/hazel eyes. I tend to dominate, though that’s not a matter of intent. It just seems to work out that way. I imagine I can remember enough German to fake it, and that’s all that’s necessary, nicht wahr?

D} I expect nothing from you, liebchen, but some hot monkey sex.

:slight_smile:

5

Jarbaby:

I would like to be first on the list to submit my name as your undercover paramour, and as the man most qualified to scratch that pesky itch of yours.

My qualifications:

  • Tall, fairly good-looking, in good shape and strong. Quite flexible and enthusiastic in bed-type sports.

  • I enjoy women. No, I truly enjoy them. In bed or cuddling or whatever, I enjoy playing with my partner’s body. It’s like a day at Disneyland for me. I’m definitely one of those guys who enjoys foreplay, and the more, the better.

  • Definitely not in the market for a relationship, so you don’t have to worry about any of those pesky romantic attachments.

  • I’m local. Could meet you within twenty minutes of receiving a bootycall. :slight_smile:

  • Clean, no STDs. Will furnish certificate of authenticity upon request.

  • Physical requirements: tall, German, muscular (no welding experience, although I’m a jackleg construction worker/plumber at times, if that counts)

  • Sneaky and have good improvisational/acting ability. Bring my own disguises in case we get caught, so I can pretend I’m just fixing your cable box or fixing your disposal or something.

  • Can cook extremely well (for those all-important apres-bootycall snacks).

  • Have dated engaged/married women before. I don’t make a habit of it, but in this case I’ll make an exception. :smiley:

And as for what I’m expecting out of this relationship… Just you and your rack. No attachment, no romance, just fun and games. And toys (use your imagination).

Professional and personal references available upon request. :slight_smile:

6

Are you kidding?? I am the king of gluttony. When I sit down to eat (especially fresh Lake Perch) they pitch a tent and charge admission. Maggianos? I eat more pasta than a regiment of bersaglieri. I would take you to the finest all-you-can eat places around, baby.

And I forgot. Ech studiert Deutsch nach zwie jahre im universitat, but ich hab die meistens vergisst. [sub]along with all sense of grammar and noun endings[/sub]

And I’m a gentleman, too. See, I’m not even touching the “out to eat” comment above.

7

And I won’t say anything else nice about the Packers. I promise.

8

Yes, I must say Zan, you really folded the tent on that Packers essay. See that you don’t do it again.

These are all great resumes. I’m starting a file. Cooking is important. I do so love to eat.

j

9

You gonna post JPEGS of the tryst on your web site?

10

Well, I mean, that would have to be up to my lover and I.

and whether his naked ass looks good in digital form.

j

11

That’s why God gave us PhotoShop.

12

Only if I get a percentage…but why not mpegs?

13

A dirty mind, a winning smile, a big pickup truck so I can haul around all kinds of implements of… you know.
**

I can’t claim personal responsibility but an former friend some dopers have met has spiralled into a life of depravity and sin (not the good kind unfortunately :mad: ).
**

It falls apart here, badly. I’m not even remotely German looking, I don’t smoke and I’m only beefcake in the Cartman from South Park style. On the plus sidee I am dom, a good swimmer and I can weld SMAW, OA gas and TIG. I can strike an arc and run a mean bead for you but I think it will fall short of lighting your fire.
**

I expect nothing because I can’t participate. I recently came into a terrific relationship so as lustworthy as you are Jar I’ll have to pass. In all seriousness we’re hitting it off extremely well but we’re dangerously close to the kind of lovey dovey stuff that makes all your friends gag. :smiley:

[cue Herman’s Hermits as Padeye walks away clicking his heels]Somethin’ tells me I’m into something good…[/HH]

14

1. What do YOU bring to the table in terms of assets, gifts, talents.
My assets include[li]fully furnished apartments in two states,[]a couple of platinum cards with zero-balances just waiting for use,[]virtually unlimited travel opportunities.[/li]My gifts will be many and varied.
My talents, while certainly appreciable, are not ones suitable to list on a Board that is viewable by minors.

2. What is your experience in breaking up marriages and sending women into a spiral of sin?
No broken marriages due to my influence, though there was one scare. Spirals of sin are not my forte, however spirals of never-ending lust and desire: guilty.

3. Do you fit Jarbaby’s criteria in any way.
I am:[li]Dutch and Italian, so Germanic and a member of the Axis Power,[]a non-smoker, but it’s the exception that proves and all that…,[]equipped with blue-gree-grey-hazel eyes with a wedge of brown across the top one-third of my right eye,[]well-muscled without being bulky,[]equi-tendencied, with dominant leanings, but you will spend some time on top,[]swimmer, runner, rugby player, Marine, SCUBA diver…,[]I know my way around a torch (and a soldering iron, FTM.)[/li]
4. And what do you expect of JARBABY in the relationship.
I’ll expect you to do exactly as I tell you, or be punished.

5.Are you into gluttony? Would you take me out to eat?
Moderate gluttony is just fine. I’d take you out, but I prefer to stuff you at home- I make very large, very high-calorie main dishes. As for the comment Abe Babe isn’t touching- I’d eat you like a Thanksgiving turkey, stuffed, licked and dripping with juices.

Cooking is important. I do so love to eat.
See above.

…whether his naked ass looks good in digital form.
Ahem

15

I just gotta do this cuz it’s so damn funny.

I believe I am the first (of many?) women to turn in a resume.

I am not a lesbian, nor bisexual. I have never had a girl/girl lovathon, but what the hell, let’s give it a whirl.

If you haven’t tried the experience yet, what could be a better itch to scratch than the possible itch to check out what you’ve been missing.

If you have and liked it, why not revisit?

If you tried and didn’t like it… just ignore my post, lol.

FTR, this IS a joke, I’m just trying to be funny on this Monday afternoon…

16

Should read: "…blue-green-grey-hazel eyes with a wedge of brown across the top one-third of my right eye and across virtually the entire top half of my left eye.

Further addition: I am not a food snob and I can make devil’d eggs with two ingredients.

17

1. What do YOU bring to the table in terms of assets, gifts, talents.

I know what you want and am willing and able to give it to you…need anything more than that?

2. What is your experience in breaking up marriages and sending women into a spiral of sin?

hmm, the second to last last married woman I slept with divorced her husband and is now dating 3 men at the same time, including a Chicago Fireman and a Chicago Police Captain who is married with children:)

3. Do you fit Jarbaby’s criteria in any way (i.e. German, smoker, green eyes, muscular, dominant, swimmer…welder…mod)
I speak German, I’ll smoke for you, I do in fact have green eyes, I have muscles[sub]they’re there I tell ya![/sub], I have welded quite a bit, MIG and TIG mostly, mod? what is this?
4. And what do you expect of JARBABY in the relationship. (and it better not be much)

orgasms…lots and lots of orgasms from you, I love to see that little look of pleasure and pain as you come over and over again.

And in reference to others statements,I know where you live and can be there in 9 minutes for when he runs out to the store and you need a quickie. I’m also unemployed and will deliberately remain so in order to be available to you whenever you so desire, you want it at work in the bathroom while the boss is outside? No problem, I’ll be there in 30

And while I do not like margarine, it has been brought to my attention that my hatred of crock margarine may be the cause, I’ve never had stick margarine and I can’t speak as to its taste
Thank you.

No, THANK YOU:)
jarbaby
[/QUOTE]

18

Oh yeah, the last married woman I slept with also redoubled her divorce proceedings afterwards to speed up the process;)

19

While I normally wouldn’t apply for such a position, I figure I’ve been on a lucky streak lately, so I thought I might get lucky with jarbaby.

  1. Assets, gifts, talents. Aside from being comfortably well-off and of above average intelligence, I am a certified massage therapist with a portable table and a good pair of hands. Plus, I’ve got a good singing voice for serenades. As for looks, you can see me on TV if they ever air the game show I was on…don’t decide 'til then.

  2. I have yet to break up any marriages, including my own. But modesty prevents me from answering the second part of this question.

  3. I am part German, I do smoke a good cigar once in a while and don’t object to others smoking, but I don’t fit any of the other criteria.

  4. I expect you to enjoy yourself. And to keep your mouth shut just in case you’re disappointed :slight_smile:

The downside to selecting me would be location. I don’t know where you live, but I’m sure it’s not very close to Reno. And I can’t see myself flying cross-country for sex, no matter how good it is. However, if you’re willing to spend some time in Lake Tahoe, we can arrange something…

20

I think you people have it all wrong. She fully intends to go back to the jarhubster, therefore the last thing you want to do is be so good that she abandons her vows. Ideally we want to make her realize how good she has it now. In that light, I present my qualifications:

  • hung like a raisin.
  • stamina of a wombat.
  • capable of doing it twice (a week).
  • I cook a mean grilled cheese.
  • German - nope
  • smoker - nope
  • green eyes - nope
  • muscular - eh
  • dominant - nope
  • swimmer - I am buoyant!
  • welder - I specify welds
  • mod - sorry, never cared for Quadrophenia

In other words, she’ll go running back to him.