Jay-Z's got 99 problems, and they're itemized right here

*Your help in fleshing out the list is greatly appreciated, but bear in mind that a bitch should NOT be included. *

-Ticking from the wind-up clock his grandmother gave him makes it difficult to fall asleep some nights.

-Has trouble spelling “conscientious.”

-Can’t figure out how to clear his browsing history on Chrome.

-Lactose intolerant.

-Has led his rec softball league in strikeouts with runners in scoring position for six straight years.

-Got paint on his favorite pillow case.

-Papercut on his penis.

-Dropped his uncapped Chapstick on the hotel room floor.

-Plugged up the toilet at his in-law’s house, no idea where they keep the plunger.

  • Half a box of Wheaties left, but no milk.

  • Turns out Blue Ivy is a big fan of Barney the dinosaur.

  • Dropped Rolex off yacht

-People pronouncing his name “Jazz”.

  • Really wants olives, date on jar says “September 15”, not sure if they’re still good.

-went to the store for a carton of eggs; came home with a 3-pack of gum, a Redbull, and no eggs.

-Accidentally bought seeded grapes instead of the seedless kind he really wanted.

  • French fries in the back seat of the Bentley are impossible to get out.
  • Printer says it’s out of yellow ink, not even trying to print in color.

Is this a trick?

-The crabgrass has won.

Can’t decide whether to buy the toilet paper with or without the roll.

hemorrhoids

-Got a bonus curly fry in his order of regular fries at Arby’s, but it got eaten by he lunch companion.

The housekeeper keeps putting the toilet paper on the wrong way around.

But she’s not a bitch.

  • Sea monkeys kind of disappointing.

-Can’t get Tony Basil’s “Mickey” out of his brain.

-Still can’t remember difference between stalatites and stalagmites

-Back hair

Cannot get a streeet named after him in DC because of that bastard John Jay.

Can’t remember the words to the chorus of his wife’s Single Ladies.

Can remember the words to the chorus of his wife’s Irreplaceable.

Had to make a late night caviar run, only to find that Mark Cuban just bought all that the corner store had left.