Jingle Bells, Batman smells

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

Here’s a couple I learned from my dad (don’t laugh at my weird family)

Old McDonald sittin on a bench,
floggin his dick with a monkey wrench.
Missed his dick and hit his balls.
Shit 'em out on his overalls!

Old Mr. Prick had a 6 foot dick,
and he showed it to the woman next door.
She thought it was a snake,
and chopped it with a rake,
and now it’s only 3 foot 4.

If you don’t work with total vigor,
they’ll replace youw with a n-----.

There’s a skeeter on my peter, SLAP IT OFF!!!
THere’s another on my brother, SLAP IT OFF!!!
There’s a dozen on my cousin,
can’t you hear them fuckers buzzin,
There’s a skeeter on my peter, SLAP IT OFF!!!

and the granddaddy of all “On top of spagetti…”

On top of old smokey,
all covered with sand.
I killed poor old (enter name),
with a red rubber band.

I shot him with pleasure,
I shot him with pride.
I couldn’t have missed him,
he’s 40 feet wide.

I went to his funeral
I went to his grave
Some people threw flowers,
but I threw grenades.

And then 10 years later,
he came back once more.
And so I kicked (enter name)'s
butt right out the door!!!

I heard a knock at the door of my heart, but it was a vacuum cleaner salesman!

42

I can confirm the OP’s version was popular in California in the mid-'60s.

How about this rendition of the Woody Guthrie classic:

This land is my land
and only my land
If you don’t get off
I’ll blow your head off
I’ve got a shotgun
and you ain’t got one
This land was made for only me.

There was also a burn-down-the-school-kill-all-the-teachers song set to “Battle Hymn of the Republic” but I don’t remember all the words.

43

I’m surprised no one mentioned this song, popular in the schoolyard I grew up in:

Do your balls hang low?
Do they wobble to-and-fro?
Can you tie them in a knot?
Can you tie them in a bow?
Can you throw’em over your shoulder
Like a continental soldier?
Do you balls…hang…low?

44

Here’s what we sang on Guam instead of “Jingle bells”-

Here we are on Guam
Without a hope of snow
Under spreading palms
Typhoons sure to blow (whoosh!).
Santa Claus will know
What the traffic will allow…
Instead of riding 8 reindeer he’ll ride 8 caribou!

Jungle bells, coconut shells, stickleburrs all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride in a caribou cart today, hey!
Jungle bells, coconut shells, stickleburrs all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride in a caribou cart today!
They pronounced caribou like cari-bow (“bow” rhymes with “cow”).

MaryAnn
No, stupid, it’s a boat!

45

Does anyone remember the rest of the words to this song?

When you’re ridin’ in a Chevy and you feel something heavy,
Diarrhea, diarrhea

Whwn you’re climbin’ up a ladder and you feel something splatter
Diarrhea, diarrhea

etc…

46

My Eyes have seen the glory of the burning of the school
we have tortured every teacher, we have broken every rule

That’s all I remember!

Also:
Ta ra ra boom de ay!
We have no school today
the teacher passed away
ta ra ra boom de ay

Ta ra ra boom de ay
we threw her in the bay
they sharks had lunch today
ta ra ra boom de ay.

Anyone?

"There’s a snake in my boot!

47

Oooh…the diarrhea song! My friends and I could keep this song going forever!

When you’re looking at the moon,
and you hear a ka-boom,
diarrhea (fart-fart) diarrhea

When you’re sitting on a rock,
and it’s running down your sock,
diarrhea (fart-fart) diarrhea

Some people think it’s gross,
but it’s really good on toast,
diarrhea (fart-fart) diarrhea

I’ll post more if I think of it :slight_smile:
Blue

“I wore an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time…”

48

I remembered the chorus:

Glory, glory, Hallelujah
teacher hit me with a ruler
so I blew her out the door
with a loaded 44
now teacher ain’t teacher no more!

(alternate: “so I hit her in the bean with a rotten tangerine” don’t know what the last line was to that variation)

"There’s a snake in my boot!

49

Jingle Bells go to hell
You can kiss my butt
You’re such a rotten loser
And your mother is a slut
Ho!

Your mother’s in the kitchen
Giving Santa head
Your sister’s in the bathroom
Screwing Mr. Ed
Whee! I just made that one up! What a sophomoric prick I am.

This is HDTV, it has better resolution than the real world - Fry

50

I remember the Battle Hymn as:

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the burning of the school
We have tortured every teacher, we have broken every rule
And tomorrow after school we’re gonna hang the principal
(His truth is marching on??)

Glory, glory, Hallelujah
Teacher hit me with a ruler
So I met her after school with my loaded .44
And she ain’t my teacher any more.

51

Yay [insert name] He’s our leader,
He’s the one who sucks our peter,
For a nickle or a dime,
He will do it any time,
If no money, that’s the key!
[insert name] does it free!

52

Speaking of teacher jingles:

Row, row, row your boat,
Gently down the stream,
Throw your teacher overboard
And listen to her scream.

Five days later,
Floatin’ down the Delaware,
Chewin’ on her underwear,
Wish she had another pair.
Eight days later,
Eaten by a polar bear,
And that’s how the polar bear died.

Question authority–just not mine.

53

I learned:

…I met her in the attic with a semi-automatic
And she ain’t my teacher no moooooooore…

Also, a couple more verses to the diarrhea song:

When you’re sliding into first
And your pants are gonna burst
Diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re sliding into second
And can’t hold it another second
Diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re sliding into third
And you feel a great big turd
Diarrhea, diarrhea

“That’s entertainment!” —Vlad the Impaler

54

Not exactly a kid’s song but I thought I’d pass this along:
(Sung to the tune of ‘My Bonnie…’)

My father sells snow to the junkies,
my mother makes synthetic gin,
my sister makes love for a living,
my God how the money rolls in!

Say goodnight, Gracy…

55

I always heard the refrain of the “Battle Hymn of the Republic Kill-Your-Teacher” version as:
Glory, Glory Hallelujah
Teacher hit me with a ruler
Met her at the door with a loaded .44
And she don’t teach no more

(I tried to sing some of the other versions posted here, and there seemed to be too many words in the last line for the meter.)

And I’ve always sang “My Bonnie” as:
My father lies over the ocean
My mother lies over the sea
My father lies over my mother
And that’s how they got little me!

…but when you get blue, and you’ve lost all your dreams, there’s nothing like a campfire and a can of beans!

56

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the burning of the school
we have tortured every teacher we have broken every rule
we are going to hang the principle tomorrow after school
our troops are marching on!

glory glory hallelujah
teacher hit me with a ruler
met her at the door with a loaded .44
now she don’t teach no more.

…is how I remember it.

it used to be a funny song, now it’s a headline! eek!

57

Did anyone else ever sing:

I’m Popeye the sailor man
I live in a frying pan
they turned on the gas
and burned off my ass
I’m Popeye the sailor man! (TOOT TOOT!)

there are other verses where he lives in a garbage can and a Ford sedan, but danged if I can remember them.

"There’s a snake in my boot!

58

We used to sing-

I’m Popeye the sailor man
I live in a garbage can.
I only go swimming
With bow legged wimmin
I’m Popeye the sailor man! Toot toot!

MaryAnn
No, stupid, it’s a boat!

59

sung to “we wish you a merry christmas”

we wish you weren’t living with us
we wish you weren’t living with us
we wish you weren’t living with us
so get out of here

excuse me if i’m mistaken
those are long distance call you’re makin’
how long do you plan on takin’
advantage of us

you’re hopelessly fat and lazy
you’re constantly in the way see
you’re driving us crazy
please get out of here

60

This one is sung to the tune of ‘The Addams Family’

The (insert name here) family started
When Mrs_____ farted
They all became retarded
The ______ family

Blue
(responding to her OP for the 4th time)

“I wore an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time…”