Job Snob? Or Smart and Practical?

Well, if you are too snobby to even talk about the job, I wouldn’t say that’s overly practical :wink:

Okay, I wrote an OP here, where did it GO??? Sorry Goo if the OP had posted instead of being eaten by the hamsters then perhaps my questions and request for a poll would have made more sense.

Mods? Help? Okay I wrote the OP, then I hit submit. It dragged on and on as SDMB is known to do, so Finally I hit “refresh”, NOT submit again, because I know better, thanks to all the “oldtimer” dopers. And now, here’s my thread, withOUT my OP?

What the devil?

Well, rather than prattle on and on and on … rewrite the OP and let us rip into it.

Okay, here goes, (grrrrrr, the original was SO much better).

My question and/or request for a “poll” was this:

When you are dating, do you try prefer to date within in your general salary and career/educational range?

The reason I ask is that I’m 44, I’ve spent a lot of years clawing my way up the career ladder. I’m about at midrange salary and career wise, and I improve and increase regarding my job standing each year.

I prefer someone who has some ambition and desire to reach as far as they can to fulfill their potential as I do.

One of the people I met while trying to date was a guy that worked as a clerk at a Home and Garden store. At my age.

Okay, he wasn’t too terribly interesting, and I don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg.

Was he boring because he didn’t care what he did with his life and just “any old job” would do? Or did he just take “any old job” because he didn’t have the ability or ambition to do otherwise?

(usual disclaimer applies here, I am NOT saying that everyone who works at a low-paying job is unintelligent, or unambitious etc, obviously many people use those as interim jobs, or while in college, or after retirement and so on).

BTW, this guy wanted to work there, this wasn’t an interim job, it wasn’t a second job, it was his livelihood.

I prefer someone who has more ambition or (not sure what the word is that I’m looking for is, I know that the guys who work there work damn hard, so I’m not equating lack of ambition with laziness by any means) wants to do more with his life than be “just” a clerk.

By the same token, I don’t think I’d be comfortable or happy dating a millionaire genious either.

Anyway, what do you all think? Do you date close to your same educational, economic, and or lifestyle level?

Would you be comfortable and/or happy dating outside of it?

Why or why not?

Anyone married WAY far outside their economic and/or educational status?

psssssssssst **Caught@Work **, I couldn’t resist asking…

“prattle on and on and on”???

Ummm, I made one post, with a mere question/request to the mods wondering what had happened.

Did you see lots of other posts complaining about the missing OP that I missed?

(Just a note: there is my former economic level (corporate drone, good money) and my current one (grad student, minimal income)

As a corporate drone, I felt it was expected of me to date only within my educational and economic levels. Not from the corporation itself, but from my friends - they would only date within a certain range, and couldn’t imagine anyone doing otherwise.

I should note that most of these people I do still consider friends, but at the same time, I figure that if I meet someone who’s not at the same level as me, who cares?

More important to me is the person. Are they working at a job that’s “just a job” so that they can do what they really want to do on their time off? I have no problem with that at all. Sometimes a job is just that, a job. Are they working at the corporate drone job that they hate because it’s what everyone expects them to be doing, even though they’d rather work at Home Depot doing a job that enables them to do the things they want to? The first person’s going to be happy with his life, the second is going to be miserable, and I’d rather date someone who’s happy. At the same time, someone who works at Home Depot because they have to be working somewhere, but who has nothing he really loves about life and looks forward to doing…well, that person’s no better off than the corporate drone.

Where I am in my career shouldn’t have anything to do with what they want from theirs. At least, IMHO.

Well, I think that being boring, and being willing to settle for “just any job” are two entirely seperate issues.

There are store clerks who come home and flop on the couch and have no life. There are executives who come home and do paperwork all evening and have no life. Both are boring, and neither are people I’d want to date if I were available.

People work low-paying jobs long-term for a variety of reasons. Some of us love our shitty, low-paying jobs. I could probably find a job that paid a lot better, but it would be a lot more stress, most likely, and it wouldn’t be nearly as fulfilling to me. If I’m making enough to support myself, why the hell would I leave my low-pay, high-fulfillment job for something “better”?

Other people don’t love their jobs, but don’t want to spend their time and engergy “clawing their way up the ladder.” There are other things they’re more passionate about than money or career status, and they’d rather spend that clawing energy on those things.

As for the earning gap, my husband makes roughly three times what I do, and that gap will be widening a lot in a couple of years. That doesn’t bother me, and it doesn’t appear to bother him. It works for us because neither of us care all that much about money, beyond having enough to live in reasonable comfort and indulge our interests within reason. Social or work status is also not a factor for us.

However, if it’s important to you, but not important to him, it would be a constant source of friction in your relationship. Vastly different priorities always are.

well girl I had a nice post all made up and the hamsters ate mine too. grrrrrrrrr.
NEway, what CrazyCat said.

Also, what’s important is not so much that they match you in social status/ambition (although they might need to clean up nice) is that they match you in emotional fulfillment. If part of that fulfillment is a guy who is comfortable in corporate situations then by all means weed the others out.

I’ve been married twice. My first husband was a carpenter with an 8th grade education. He had/has alcohol problems, so we’ll never know how well that would have turned out.

My second husband was a computer programmer/analyst. Although he had’nt finished college, he still made twice what I did (I’m a civil engineer with a master’s). Although on the surface we appeared the Perfect Yuppie Couple[sup]TM[/sup] we actually had little emotional connections. So that did NOT work out.

Now I’m dating a mechanic. Well, he is the Head Mechanic. He’s not what you’d call a bookish intellectual, but he has intelligence and wisdom. Neither one of us care that I make twice what he makes. It’s working out very well. :wink:

What about the difference in earning status between you and said potential mate?

Wouldn’t you (collective you, this isn’t targeted at those who’ve already posted), find it stressful to be the “breadwinner” and have to do far more than your fair share of supporting someone?

(ps, I have been on the little to no earning power end of it, and I found that HORRIBLY stressful, also, I didn’t mean to mislead by my “clawing my way up the ladder” statement, it took a lot of time and study, and paying my dues, but I love my jobs).

I don’t know that that’s really an issue. I mean, I was supporting myself all right before we got married. I was happy living at that economic level, and if I returned to that level it wouldn’t bother me a bit. He’s not doing more than his fair share of supporting me; I can support myself. He’s just increasing my luxury level.

Up until very recently, I’ve always made more than my husband. It bothered him more than it bothered me - in fact, I didn’t care at all. Our earnings all go into one account, and from there, our bills are paid. He hadn’t been to college when we met, altho he did go a year after we married, and while he wasn’t educated, he is intelligent and and always asking questions - always learning. We’re both college educated professionals now - more “equal” in the eyes of society, I suppose.

Still, if he had wished to remain a tool maker or a welder, it wouldn’t have mattered to me. He’d still be intelligent and witty and curious about all sorts of things. Had he been dull or lazy or ignorant, we probably would never have met.

So, to summarize, I think I’m more of an intelligence snob. I’m attracted to articulate, interested, well-rounded individuals - regardless of formal education or degrees. If I connect with someone intellectually and there are no hygiene issues, the rest doesn’t really matter much.

I think I’m echoing what I’m already hearing here - that is, apparent socioeconomic status is not so much a factor in whom I’d hook-up with. Much more important would be compatability in shared interests, degree of independence/intimacy desired or required, responsibility, ambitions in which directions…, i.e., a whole lotta stuff that is not measured by income.

If a bunch of other buttons punched right, I wouldn’t mind having an SO who generated zip income. OTOH, if we clicked on enough other levels, I could hook-up with the super trial lawyer from hell whose income made mine appear insignificant.

That’s not the point, I think.

No personal experience to throw in here because DH and I were both poor college students when we married. I will probably end up making more than him after we graduate (at least at first) but it doesn’t bother either of us. It just turned out that way, is all.

I don’t think you’re a snob. Everyone has criteria for people they date and job ambition just happens to be one of yours. Big deal. So you don’t wanna date someone who has, for whatever reason, chosen not to go for a big career. You could have worse reasons for refusing to date someone.

You want a middle management guy? Go for it, I say. Maybe Home & Garden guy is a great guy … and if he is, that’ll be your loss. That’s the risk you gotta take.

I’m also 44, and potentially about to re-enter the dating scene. But, I don’t think I’d be a good match for you, CanvasShoes. (Although there is an image involving a NIN CD, a bottle of Tequila, and a pair of earplugs, that is rather appealing. ;))

I’m a programmer. I haven’t cracked the six figure income mark, but it’s theoretically within range, if I were willing to put in the effort. I’m not. And, I never will be. It isn’t worth the effort, to me. I wouldn’t be any happier, and I’d have less time and energy for the things that matter to me.

Would I date a woman who was making half what I make? Sure. I’ve married one such woman, and have lived with others. I don’t find it stressful, at all, assuming I’m making enough to do it. On the other hand, there was one time when I was between careers (pre-programming), when I was utterly reliant on a girlfriend to support me. That was stressful!

I actually envy the Home Depot guy. (I’m assuming he’s one of the knowledgeable, helpful people, not just a cashier.) He’s found something he enjoys, that supports him. It sounds like you have, too. That’s less common than you may think. Personally, I think contentment is a highly desirable characteristic in a potential date. I meet too many stressed people, as it is.

Then again, I guess a lot of people use sex as stress relief, so that might not be all bad, depending on what you’re looking for. :slight_smile:

The relative economic status of a man and woman has to work for the two people in the relationship; because historically men have been the breadwinners, there’s no societal stigma attached to a man earning more than his wife or girlfriend. By the same token, the reverse appears stigmatized, let’s call it “boy-toy syndrome.” BTS applies when there’s a high discrepancy in earning power at the outset of the relationship, and only seems to be avoided when the earning power changes after the relationship starts.

This hypothesis is based on a non-scientific survery of my friends; I know a few couples in which the woman is the primary bread-winner and they’re just fine with it. However, those relationships began when both parties generated similar incomes or when the male out-earned the female.

You have to decide what works for you, never mind what other people think. I have a friend who tells me that I’m wrong to exclude smokers from the pool of datable men, since she thinks I could be missing out on the perfect guy; she doesn’t understand that if he smokes, he isn’t the perfect guy for me. I also have an education requirement; I have an advanced degree, and require a guy with a college education.

One of my other friends has a masters degree, makes good money, owns a home, and is planning to buy a condo in a warm climate for vacations; one of her requirements is for the man to make a lot more money than she does.

It probably doesn’t matter if it was the chicken or the egg. What’s important is that he’s boring so might not be a good guy for you to date, and that you’ve identified ambition as an imprtant quality for a man.

You guys have helped me understand my reaction. And no, it wasn’t his job I reacted to, but his personality (or lack thereof). I guess the most easily identifiable thing to latch onto regarding him being “unacceptable” was that of his job.

Well, right now, my husband is putting me through school. By the time I’m finished, I’ll have a college education, and well, he barely graduted high school.
It hasn’t been a problem.

I’m one of those people with a dead-end job. I also have no advanced degree (but plenty of time spent in college). I’d hate to think that any guy would deem me as “unacceptable” based on these two things alone.

While not a stunning genius, I think I am pretty bright, interested in learning new things (always am learning new things, so it seems) and have a lot of passions and interests (artistic stuff, and yes, I do make money from it, just not a lot).

I’d not dismiss someone because they didn’t have a good enough job or not a good enough education—if my mom had done that, I’d have never been born. My dad was a postal worker who never could afford to finish college. He almost always wore plaid shirts, and hated wearing suits. Your typical blue collar guy. But he was extremely bright, with a unbridled passion for Classical music (and a great deal of knowledge) and had many other hobbies and interests (biology, botany, photography, history, blah blah blah). His library filled a whole wall, and then some.

So, like others here, I’ve learned to not judge people by their jobs, and I hope people wouldn’t judge me by mine either. But if they do—hey—I don’t think I’d like them anyway.

My hesitation in dating those with less money or education (and hence less of a chance to make more) is more a fear brought on by having had two long term relationships (including with my ex husband whom I married at 19) in which I had to do all the work, both bringing home the paycheck and doing all the housework and mommy work, AND footing the bill for the bum boyfriend or husband’s beer/cig/pot habit.

My still best friend, but soon to be ex boyfriend was a “starving student” when I met him, but was enrolled in a pretty hardcore degree program and was so intelligent that it didn’t ring alarm bells or create insecurity the way that dates who’ve been on the lower earning end (and preferred it that way) did.

I’m grateful for everyone’s input. All of your statements and personal histories have definitely made me rethink my dating stance. Not sure I want to date again EVER since I’m still pretty broken up, but at least I’ll feel a teensy bit more comfortable about expanding my horizons.

Dating is as archaic as marriage. Who said that?

As far as being a Job Snob Compared to being Smart and Practical didn’t you go to college? Shit, I thought every body that went to college learned that shit. Don’t they teach classes in this in college? Just kidding CanvasShoes.

my question is why does a woman think in her educated mind that she has to date above her standards. why can’t a woman with money fuck below her means. let alone love.

putting Looking for Mr. Goodbar aside this is a dilemma.