Conan could beat his ass.
Conan O’Brien?
Conan O’brien could probably beat Tom Cruise’s ass.
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?postid=1995591#post1995591
Yeah, well, Tarzan could beat up a venus flytrap!!!
(BTW, i just picked up Burrough’s The Lad and the Lion at a used bookstore on the way back from lunch! almost makes up for being homeless!!)
Well, Tarzan, sure!
Did I say anything about Lord Greystoke, Mr. Smartypants?
And Ayesha could smack 'em ALL silly.
Oh yeah?
Who’s SHE?
Bring it on then, if that’s what you think! 
Dammit, I HATE being upstaged in my own thread!
:rolleyes:
HA!
I got it.
Tars, lets you and him fight.
Sadly, this is only the second or third thread me and JCoM have both posted in!
Me fight JC? no way! But i could take out Conan, he’d be all “Krom Krom!” and i’d be all “Eat Barsoomian Radium Bullets, two arm!!!”
Oh yeah?
Youse guys keep dissin’ my thread and that green alligator/dog thing is gonna pee on your shoes!
(Weren’t John and Tars enemies at first? What was the dog thing named? First response wins a cyber cookie.)
Woola the calot was the dog, and when Tars Tarkas was but a cheiftain under the dispicable Tal Hajus, he befriended Carter.
Me an’ Tars will take on Tarzan and Conan and kick their booties all over Barsoom. We won’t even need Woola, he and his pack can rest, waiting until it’s time for Conan/Tarzan snacks.
Leave that** Ayesha** out of this. If she’s anything like the one that posts on SDMB, I ain’t messin’ with her!
Look, folks, it’s simple logic. John Carter is the mightiest warrior on any of the terrestrial planets. Earth is a terrestrial planet. Conan is on Earth. Therefore, it trivially follows that John Carter is mightier than Conan.
But, of course, if they did fight, it would be the greatest fight Carter had ever fought, and against the mightiest opponent :D.