The AP Newswire reports on a computerized, online search for “the world’s funniest joke,” which produced the following winner:
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” "There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”
From the article: “Computer analysis also threw up a number of arcane humor facts. Not all animal jokes, for example, are created equal—jokes mentioning ducks were rated as funnier than other jokes.”
I guess the New Jersey guys above were duck hunters, making it even funnier.
All right, everybody brace yourselves. We’re about to be subjected to all sorts of fowl language. It’s going to be a bumpy ride, but let’s try not to quack up.
So this duck walks into a drugstore and asks the clerk for a tube of lip balm.
"Will that be cash, sir? asks the clerk.
“No,” the duck replies. “Just put it on my bill.”
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for corn. The bartender says “We have no corn, get out of here.” So the duck leaves. The next day he comes back and asks for corn again, and the bartender says “I told you, we don’t have any corn! Get out!” So the duck leaves. The next day he goes in again and asks for corn, and the bartender says, “For the last time, we don’t have corn! If you ever come back, I’m going to nail those webbed feet of yours to the floor!” So the duck leaves. The next day the duck comes and asks, “Do you have any nails?” The bartender says, “No, of course not. Why would a bar have nails?” The duck then says, “Good. Then can I have some corn?”
A man is driving a pick-up truck down the road with a bunch of ducks standing in the back. A police officer pulls over the driver and informs him that he is speeding and then asks him where does he think he’s going with all those ducks. The driver says that he just doesn’t know what to do anymore. The officer says, “Look, there’s a zoo not far from there and that’s where you should be taking them. That will take care of your problem.” The man thanks the officer and drives off with his ducks.
The next day the officer again sees the pick-up truck once again speeding down the road. This time, though, all the ducks in the back are standing there with sunglasses. The officer pulls over the driver over and says, “I thought I told you to take them to the zoo!” “I did that,” said the driver, “but now they want to go to the beach!”
William Rehnquist, Antonin Scalia, and Clarence Thomas died in an accident and went to heaven. When they got there, St. Peter said, “We only have one rule in heaven. Don’t step on the ducks.”
So they entered heaven and sure enough, there were ducks all over the place. It was almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they tried their best to avoid them, Rehnquist accidentally stepped on one.
Along came St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chained them together and said, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman”.
The next day, Scalia stepped accidentally on a duck and along came St. Peter, who didn’t miss a thing, and with him was another extremely ugly woman. He chained them together with the same admonishment as the first.
Thomas had observed all this, and was very careful where he stepped. He managed to go for months without stepping on any duck. But one day, St. Peter came up to him with Anita Hill, and chained them together without saying a word.
Thomas remarked, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?”
She replied, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
Lurkmeister,
I’d hate to ruffle your feathers, but I feel moved to retell your joke PG-13 style…
So this duck walks into a drugstore and asks the clerk for a condom.
The clerks asks “Shall I put that on your bill?”
The duck replies “I’m not that kind of a duck!”
A guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office with a duck on his head. And the psychiatrist says, “Can I help you?” And the duck says, “Yeah, help me get this guy off my ass.”
A man walks into a butchers’ shop and says to the assistant, as follows: “Excuse me, can I have an Aylesbury Duck please?”
The butcher goes to the back of the shop, returns with a duck and slaps it on the counter: There you are, sir. One most excellent Aylesbury Duck." The customer inserts his index finger into the duck’s rearmost aperture, removes it and sniffs it in connoisseur type fashion. He looks disappointed and glares at the butcher. “This is not an Aylesbury Duck. This is an Ordinary Duck. Please supply me with an Aylesbury Duck, my good man.”
The butcher returns to the back of the shop and re-emerges with another duck, which he plonks in front of the customer: “Try this one, sir.” The customer sticks his finger up the second duck’s bottom, withdraws it and sniffs it again. He says: *"Look, this is * not an Aylesbury Duck. This is an Ordinary Duck. Stop messing around and bring me a duck which, not to put too fine a point on it, is from Aylesbury."
The butcher stomps away before returning with a third duck, which he bangs down in front of the customer, who says: "I am far from impressed with your knowledge of ducks. You don’t seem to know what is what. Furthermore, I haven’t seen you in this shop before. You must be new. Where are you from?
The butcher removes his trousers and underpants and lies on the counter, saying: “You’re so fucking clever, you tell me.”
He presents with ankylosing spodyarthirits and a duck under his arm. He tells the bartender, “My serum alkaline phospatase is elevated with .05 mg/L of meperidine in my plasma and I bet $100 my duck can shit into a shotglass ten feet away.”
The bartender says, “Is this just an ordinary duck who has not been administered a dose of Baclofen or Cyclobenzaprine?”
The Haitian says “Well, lumbar puncture has been performed and revealed gram-negative cocci and decreased leukocytes, but other than that, it’s an ordinary duck.”
“You got a bet if I can perform a rectal biopsy and independent bloodwork.”
“Of course.”
The bartender puts a shotglass on the bar about seven feet away indicating either excessive confidence or a partial loss of visual acuity. The duck passes a reddish, gelatinous-looking stool right onto the bar and nowhere near the shotglass. The bartender laughs and says, “Either you’re the dumbest ankylosing Haitian I ever met or you’re suffering from cerebral hemorrhage.”
The Haitian, without increase in BP, pulls out a hundred dollar bill and says, “I may be a dumb ankylosing Haitian, but I just bet those first-year interns in the corner 500 bucks a piece I could get my duck to shit all over your bar and you’d laugh about it.”
The duck is most likely suffering a deficiency of
A. Ceftriaxone
B. Erythromycin
C. Methicillin
D. Tetracycline
E. Vancomycin **
What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass.
Did you hear about the Irishman who went duck-hunting?
He couldn’t get any because he couldn’t throw his dog high enough.
This drunk was sitting on a bar stool when this lady walked in carrying a duck under her arm.
Drunk said, ‘Where’d you get that pig?’
Lady said, ‘That’s no pig, it’s a duck.’
Drunk said, ‘I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to the duck’.