Joke thread anyone?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

I tried this one out in another thread but it didn’t get any applause…I tweaked it.
2 guys wearing speedos are at the beach trying to pick up the ladies.

Guy #1 appears to have a decent package on display. He’s quite a hit.

Guy #2 appears to be suffering from what George Costanza would call…shrinkage, and oblivious to the the problem.

Guy #2: “You seem to be quite popular here.
How do you do it?”

Guy #1 looks over guy #2: “Go home, stuff a potato
in your speedo and come back
in an hour. The women will
love you.”

( 1 hour later)

Guy #2 shows up on the crowded beach. He struts his well packed speedo self past a large group of sun-tanned ladies. He’s met by screams and disgusted looks.

Guy #1 throws a towel to guy #2: "You FOOL!..

" …You’re supposed to stick the potato in the FRONT!!"

:ba-da-dum-crash:

22

BWAHAHAHA! That was awesome!

23

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?

Wave to her.

24

nonono…
What did the blonde say when her doctor told her that she was pregnant?

“Are you sure it’s mine?”

25

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is PatriciaWhack.
“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday”. Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, and his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s ok he knows the bank manager.
Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says “sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Pattie explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral”. She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”

(you’re gonna love this)

(it’s a real treat)

(masterpiece)

(wait for it)

The bank mamager looks back at her and says…
“it’s a knick-knack, Pattie Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

::d&r::

26

here
I love the virus one.

27

Jesus walks into an inn, hands the innkeeper 3 nails and says:

“Can you put me up for the night?”

Yep, going to hell.

28

BWAHAHAHAHA!
Here’s another good one:

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, he’s finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

“Name’s Enoch…Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge…Having a party Saturday…Thought you’d like to come.”
“Great,” says Sam, “after six months of this I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”

As Enoch is leaving he stops, “Gotta warn you there’s gonna be some drinkin’.”
“Not a problem…After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em.”

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. “More’n’ likely gonna be some fightin’, too.”
“Damn,” Sam thinks…“Tough crowd.” “Well, I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”

Once again Enoch turns from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.”
“Now that’s not a problem” says Sam, “Remember I’ve been alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there…By the way, what should I wear?”

Enoch stops in the door again and says, “Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us!!!”

29

What did the Zen Buddist say to the hot-dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

30

Did you hear about the one-armed fisherman?
(holding out one hand) He caught a fish this big.

Weighing it was easy. It had its own scales.

The fish had a friend. Gil.

31

WARNING: obscene!!

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in
love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never
achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they
decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the
following suggestion, “Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you
are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help
the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.”
They go home and follow the rabbi’s advice. They hire a handsome young
man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn’t help and
she is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. “Okay,” says the rabbi to the
husband, “let’s try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife
and you wave the towel over them.”
Once again, they follow the rabbi’s advice. The young man gets into bed
with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work
with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking,
screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,
“You see, schmuck, THAT’S the way to wave a towel!”

32

So the Buddhist gives the hot dog vendor a twenty-dollar bill. The guy gives him his hot dog. The Buddhist says, “Hey, where’s my change?” And the hot dog vendor says, “Change comes from within.”

33

How to give a cat a pill:

Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, “That’s a nice kitty.” Drop pill into its mouth.

Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.

Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat’s front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)

Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat’s mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won’t be able to see what you’re doing. That’s just as well.

Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

If you’re a woman, have a good cry. If you’re a man, have a good cry.

Now pull yourself together. Who’s the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, “Who’s the boss here, anyway?” Open cat’s mouth, take pill and … Oooops!

This isn’t working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.

Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.

Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

Flatten cat’s front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)

Roll cat in towel. Work fast. Time and tabbies wait for no man (or woman).

Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat’s head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

Drop pill into cat’s mouth and poke gently. Voila! It’s done.

Vacuum up loose fur (cat’s). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

Take two aspirins and lie down.

:smiley:

34

A Short Guide to Comparative Religions

Taoism … Shit happens.
Buddhism… If shit happens, it’s not really shit.
Islam… If shit happens, it’s the will of Allah.
Protestantism… Shit happens because you don’t work hard enough.
Judaism… Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism… This shit happened before.
Catholicism… Shit happens because you’re bad.
Hare Krishna… Shit happens rama rama.
T.V. Evangelism… Send more shit.
Atheism… No shit.
Jehova’s Witness… Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism… There’s nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science… Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism… Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn’t.
Existentialism… What is shit anyway?
Stoicism… This shit doesn’t bother me.
Rastafarianism… Let’s smoke this shit.

35

Rocco and Vinny have a gay co-worker by the name of Frankie. One day Frankie swishes up to the two and says, “Rocco, Vinny, hold on to your big ugly gold chains, 'cause I’m having a big old party at my place this weekend!”

“Hey, dat’s cool, Frankie,” says Rocco, “What you want we should bring?”

“Well, Rocco, I’m glad you asked,” says Frankie. “Because actually, it’s a theme party. And the theme of the party is ‘emotions.’”

Rocco and Vinny haven’t the foggiest what Frankie is talking about, but they feel it would be worse to look stupid, so they nod their heads and say “Sure, sure, a teme pawty, okay…” and promise to show up at the designated time that Saturday.

Still a bit confused, Rocco and Vinny show up on Saturday with their usual bottle of wine. They open the door to a scene like they have never witnessed: dozens of strange people dressed in outlandish costumes. In one corner is a guy painted all green and wearing nothing but green underpants…he’s “green with envy” of course. Over by the punch bowl writhing lithely with a woman who is dressed in flames of anger is a man whose passion has turned him completely pink.

Finally, Rocco and Vinny get it. And they realize they are underdressed. And so they temporarily retreat to form a new game plan.

Two hours later they show up again. The door opens. The music stops. Everyone in the house turns and stares at them.

Rocco is standing at the door completely naked, save a pear, into which he has drilled a hole in order to insert his penis through the fruit.

Vinny is standing next to him, also naked as the day he was born, except for a little cup of pudding, into which he has managed to bend his penis so that it sits in the pudding just so.

Frankie comes into the room to see what all the commotion is and sees the two of them standing there. In shock, he screams “Rocco, Vinny, what the hell are you doing?!”

“Hey, isn’t it obvious?” says Rocco.

“I’m deep in dis pear, and Vinny’s fuckin’ dis custard.”

Maybe not as funny to read.

36

A man is listening to his young daughter say her prayers one night. She says: “God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma, and Grandpa rest his soul”
The man says: “Why do you say that about Grandpa? Grandpa is still alive”
“I don’t know, I just felt like it”, says his daughter.
The man leaves it at that. Sure enough the next day a phone call comes to tell the man that his father has died.

Several months later, the man is listening to his daughters prayers again. She says: “God bless Mommy and Daddy, and Grandma rest her soul”
The man feels very nervous, remembering the last time this happened. The next day he recieves a phone call telling him that his mother has passed away.

Two weeks after that, the man is once again listening to his daughters prayers. She says: “God bless Mommy, and Daddy rest your soul”
Well, now the man is really shiting himself. He immediatly writes a note to his wife saying he has been called away on business, drives to work, and locks himself in his office, theorizing that if he just stays there until the next day at midnight, everything will be fine.

Finally, midnight comes and the man, very relieved, drives home. His wife is still awake, and when he walks in the door, he says:

“Honey, you won’t believe what a horrible day I’ve had.”

She says: “You’ve had a bad day! Why, first thing this morning the mailman dropped dead on the doorstep!”
Badoom-ching!

37

There is a black guy walking around with a parrot on his shoulder. Another guy walks up to and asks " Hey that is cool, where’d you get him?"

And the parrot says “Africa there’s millions of 'em”

38

A pilot gets on the intercom and tells his passengers that the plane is going down and it looks like everyone in done for. Some of the passengers start freaking out, some start praying and what not. A woman in the back jumps up and yells out to the crwded plane, “Some one help me. I’m 30 years old and I’ve never truly felt like a woman!!” Just then a handsome man rises from his seat and begins to make his way to the woman in the back. The two make eye contact. The man only nods and begins unbuttoning his shirt, still walking to the back of the plane. The man finishes removing his shirt as he gets to the womans seat. The woman stands, slightly trembling, and asks, “Are you goning to make me feel like a woman?” “Yes,” the man replies, holding out his shirt, “Iron this.”

39

Obscene warning

Why don’t witches wear underwear?

So they can get a better grip on the broom.

(ducks, runs out of room)

40

Did you hear about the gay necrophiliac with no sense of humor?
He was always in dead Ernest.